Chocolate
If your brain was chocolate it wouldn't fill an M&M
Technology
Have you tried turning it off and on again? The best modern tech support humor.
George Bush & Moses
One day in heaven, George Bush saw Moses & walked up to him. When he tried to say hi Moses ran off. The next day George Bush saw Moses again. He then tried to say hi, but he sped off again. The next day when George Bush saw Moses he asked him.
" How come every time i try to say hi to you, you run off?"
Moses replied," Last time I saw a bush, I was stuck in the desert for 40 years."
What is the Difference?
What is the difference between a drunk and a druggie? Drunks run a stop sign and druggies stop at it and wait till it turns green.
You're So Slow...
You're so slow that if you were a train engine, the caboose would be leading.
Hairy Butt
There once was a women who bought a new house but didn't know what to name it. So she stuck her head out the window and heard Hairy Butt! So she decided to name the house Hairy Butt. Then sometime later she had a baby boy but didn't know what to name it, so she stuck her head out the window and heard the word Crack, so she named her son Crack. The next day she lost her son so she called the police and said "Help! I looked all over my Hairy Butt but I can't find my little Crack.
Bush Joke
At a party, a man came up to a stranger and asked "Have you heard the latest Bush joke?"
The man replies, "I am Bush."
The man said, "Oh. I'll tell it slowly."
Blonde Paint
Have you heard about the new blonde paint? It's not too bright but it spreads real easy.
Baby Faces
You have a face like a baby, with a brain to match.
* Credited to my friend fqzeng.
Accountant Prayer
The accountant's prayer:
"Lord, help me be more relaxed about insignificant details, starting tomorrow at 10.53:16 am, Eastern Daylight Saving Time."
Visiting the Museum of Natural History
The accountant was visiting the Museum of Natural History and said to the person standing next to him, "That dinosaur is two billion years and ten months old."
"How did you get such exact information?"
"I was here ten months ago and the guide said the dinosaur was two billion years old."
Parking Fine
"Somebody complimented on my driving today," a blonde told her friend, "I found a note on my windshield that said'Parking Fine'."
Fat Mama
My friend's mom is so fat I was upstairs and when she fell I ran down screaming, "EARTHQUAKE!"
The Painting
An Indian man made a painting with the sun above a beach.
He proudly displayed his painting. When people marvel at his work and asked, "What's it called?" He said, "Sun of a Beach."
Q&A-2
Q. The Bay of Bengal is in which state?
A. Liquid
Q. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it
will become?
A. It will get Wet or Sink as simple as that.
Q. What looks like half of an apple ?
A. The other half.
Q. What happened when the wheel was invented?
A. It caused a revolution.
Brainstorm
The closest you've ever come to a brainstorm is a light drizzle!
Train
Lady : Is this my train?
Station Master : No, it belongs to the Railway Company.
Lady : Don't try to be funny. I mean, can I take this train to Kuala Lumpur?
Station Master : No Madam, I'm afraid it's too heavy.
Fairies
Oh, what a shame. It looks like the Ugly Fairy kissed you on both cheeks.
First Time on Airplane
It was the little boy's first time on an airplane. He was so excited. When the airplane engines started, the little boy closed his eyes and counted to 100.
Then he opened his eyes and peered outside. Pointing, he said to the woman next to him, "See those tiny people down there? They are just like ants!"
The woman looked at what he was pointing and remarked, "They are ants. We haven't left the ground yet."
Burger King Does The Dairy Queen
How did Burger King get Dairy Queen pregnant?
He forgot to wrap the "Whopper"!!!
Tracing Letters
A blonde and her friend were tracing their names from stencils to cut out. When they ran out of room, the blonde turned the paper over and said,"Hey, there's lots more room on this side!"
TIRE TRACKS
Q: Why did the blonde have tire tracks on her back?
A: From crawling across the street when the sign said "DON'T WALK"
Barbie Doll
Did you here about the new redneck Barbie doll?
It comes with twelve kids, aids, and a welfare check.
MISSING
This was seen on a bulletin board at a grocery store:
"I have kidnapped myself. Please give me $2,000,000 and 5 tacos or you will never see me again."
And a different one:
"I'm missing, so I have gone to look for myself. If I come back here before I do, please keep me safe here until I return. Thanks!"
Smart Blondes, Dum Blondes, Santa, & the Tooth Fairy
A dumb blonde, smart blonde, santa clause, and the tooth fairy are walking on the sidewalk together. One of them steps on a five dollar bill. Who picks it up?
Answer
no one!! three of them don't exist and the dumb blonde thought it was a gum wrapper.