Headline#3
An actual headline: Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted.
School
Sharpen your pencils and prepare to laugh at the best teacher and classroom jokes.
"Smart" Teacher
A teacher is writing a problem on the blackboard when she turns around and says, "If you are stupid, please stand up."
After a while, a student stands up and says,"I really don't think I'm stupid, but I feel bad for you standing there by yourself."
And in a Year I'll be Five.
A man escaped jail by digging a hole from his jail cell to the outside world. When finally his work was done, he emerged in the middle of a preschool playground.
"I'm free, I'm free!" he shouted.
"So what," said a little girl. "I'm four."
Latin Class
To help students remember the word for "wear" in Latin, the professor used the phrase:
semper ubi, sub ubi
Translation:
Always wear under wear.
What's the Difference...
What's the difference between a teacher and a train?
A train goes "chew, chew, chew," and a teacher says, "Spit that gum out!"
Dolly Parton
Why can't Dolly Parton be a teacher?
Because every time she turns around she erases the black board.
English Lecture
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his English class one day. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
Talking Clock
While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student led the way into the den. "What is the big brass gong and hammer for?" one of his friends asked. "That is the talking clock," the man replied. "How's it work?"
"Watch," the man said and proceeded to give the gong an ear shattering pound with the hammer. Suddenly, someone screamed from the other side of the wall, "Knock it off, you idiot! It's two o'clock in the morning!"
Hidden
Little johnny was going to school.
Incredibly he found a genie and was given 3 wishes.
"Can I have a piece of candy?" he said.
"Kid, I am a powerful genie ask for something else."
"Mmmm, ok, give me 2 pieces of candy."
"You think I have time for such small wishes? Don't ask for something so small."
"I want candy."
"Ok kid here you go; infinite candy."
"Cool, thank you."
"Ok whats your second wish? Kid, i don't have all day."
"But I still have 3 wishes.."
Test
Gary: I don't think I deserve a zero on this test.
Teacher: I agree, but it's the lowest mark I can give you.
Head
A blonde girl was at school staring at a puzzle on her desk that she could not figure out. The teacher comes by and tells her, "You can solve it! Just use your head!" The teacher comes back to check on the blonde and she saw her head all bruised up. The teacher said, "What happened?!" Then the blonde says, "Well, you told me to use my head."
A Bribe for Your Professor
A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait.
Once the test was over, the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying, "A dollar per point."
The next class the professor handed the tests back out. This student got back his test and $56 change.
A Small Boy...
A small boy stunned his parents after Sunday School when he began to empty his pockets of nickels, dimes and quarters. Finally his mother asked the obvious question, "Where did you get all that money?"
"At church," the boy replied nonchalantly. "They have bowls of it."
Cop With a Collar
A young clergyman, fresh out of seminary, thought it would help him better understand the fears and temptations his future congregations faced if he first took a job as a policeman for several months. He passed the physical examination; then came the oral exam to test his ability to act quickly and wisely in an emergency. Among other questions he was asked, "What would you do to disperse a frenzied crowd?"
He thought for a moment and then said, "I would take up a collection."
Composition
Teacher to student: "I just read the composition on 'My House' that you had submitted."
Student: "Yes, is there anything wrong?"
Teacher: "No. It was excellent. It was exactly the same composition that your older brother submitted last year."
Student: "Well...we live in the same house..."
When Life Begins
There's a big controversy on the Jewish view of exactly when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until after it graduates from medical school.
Good To Know
The dean of a women's college, addressing her charges, concluded, "...and remember, young ladies, you represent not only your own honor but that of the school. When approached by young men, ask yourself: Is an hour's pleasure worth a lifetime of disgrace? Now, are there any questions?"
A young lady immediately raised her hand and said, "Tell me, how do you make it last an hour?"
Ugly
Ugly: (adjective) A state of being in which you are constantly in.
Example: You
HIGHER POWER
A Sunday school teacher said to her children, "We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a higher power. Can anybody tell me what it is?"
One child blurted out, "Aces!"
Exam Answer
Exam Question: Define courage.
Student Answer: This is.
Attention Students!
Students... Take Note:
Knowledge is power ...
But power corrupts ...
And corruption is a crime ...
And crime doesn't pay ...
So if you keep on studying you'll go broke!
Erasing the Slate
Q: How do you recognize a blonde in school?
A: They are the only ones who erase their
notebook when the teacher erases the board.
Neighbors
Indian chief addressing the tribe says: "I've got good news an bad news. The bad news is 5000 college students just moved next door to the reservation ... good news is, they taste like buffalo."
This is Dumb But Hey!
What was the witches favorite subject in school?
SPELLing