The ultimate premium-curated joke collection
Sharpen your pencils and prepare to laugh at the best teacher and classroom jokes.
Today in history class the topic was the Incas. Hoping to see if the students had done the reading, the teacher calls on random students and asks them questions.
"Where could the Incas be found?" The teacher's first question. "Jonie?" foolishly she called on the blonde.
Not having actually done the homework, and only halfway hearing the question, she guesses: "In the pen?"
After enlisting in the 82nd Airborne Division, I eagerly asked my Recruiter what I could expect from jump school.
"Well," he said, "it's three weeks long."
"What else," I asked.
"The first week they separate the men from the boys," he said. "The second week, they separate the men from the fools."
"And the third week?" I asked.
"The third week, the fools jump."
Bobby-Hey do you remember what the teacher said in fourth hour?
Jessica-?--------???
Bobby-Did you just have a blonde moment?
TEACHER: John, how do you spell "crocodile"?
JOHN: "K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L."
TEACHER: No, that's wrong.
JOHN: Maybe it's wrong, but you ask me how I spell it!
Have I ever told you about my uncle Jeffy? Well, as a kid my uncle Jeffy lost all of his hair, and everyone thought he was sick, so he went to a doctor. The doctor told him "Jeffy, you are not sick." He was right because, later in life, Jeffy was in school and walked through a wall! It turned out Jeffy had magical powers! He then got a pet dragon and learned how to fly.
We go visit Uncle Jeffy at the Mental Institution every 1st of the month.
"Grade inflation," where assigned grades creep higher and higher, is a concern for teachers. What's the logical limit of grade inflation?
F - Student appears to be a multicellular organism.
D - Student has mastered many autonomic bodily functions.
C - Student can operate a writing instrument without harming self or others.
B - Student is able to form a complete sentence, on the second or third try.
A - Student has marginal to excellent understanding of the course material.
The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class.
She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?"
Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"
A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied, "They couldn't get a baby-sitter."
A wise schoolteacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school: "If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I'll promise not to believe everything he says happens at home."
TEACHER : There is a frog, ship is sinking, potatoes cost $10/kg, then what is my age?
STUDENT : 32 yrs!
TEACHER : How do you know?
STUDENT : Well, my sister is 16 yrs old and she is half mad.
Teacher: Why do we sometimes call the middle ages as the dark ages?
Betty: Because they had so many knights.
Enter this old elementary school story onto your calculator fun a cheap laugh - the numbers or signs that you should enter are in quotes.
Once upon a time, there was an old lady who was "69" years old. She had always thought that her boobs were "222" (too too too) big. So she went to "51" (fifty-first) street to see Doctor "X" "8" times. When she came back, she was...*turn calculator upside-down and read*
Teacher: Whats usually used as the conductor of electricity?
Orville: Why-er....
Teacher: Correct, wire. Now tell me, what is the unit of electrical power?
Orville: The what?
Teacher: That's absolutely right, the watt.
one of my friends was in trouble because he had sex with his teacher, but the bad part is he's home schooled
What's the difference between a teacher and a train?
A teacher says "spit your gum out" and a train says "choo choo!!"
Miss Blue(Teacher):"2 x 2 = 4, 4 x 4 = 16, and now, Brian, what is 16 x 16?"
Brian(Pupil): "You cheated, Miss Blue. You always take the easy one and give us the hardest."
What's the difference between the teacher and the one who minds trains?
The teacher trains minds, the other minds trains.
In a classroom, the teacher tell the pupils that peanuts make your smarter.
Then a pupil said: "Are you nuts?"
Teacher: Julia, how can you say Asshole in a nicer way?
Julia: As holes.
Girliepie has one that is really embarrassing! I tell it from her point of view -
It was the next to last day of school and I was walking in the hall with my friends. I saw my friend Jacob a few feet away from me, so I decided to say hi. We always play around, so I went up behind him and put my arm around him and said, "Hey sexy". He turned around and looked at me and it wasn't him! It was some kid I've never seen before in my life! My face turned beet red!
Teacher: "Can someone tell me three kinds of triangles? Yes, Jimmy?"
Jimmy: "OK, so there's right, isosceles, and you, your husband, and the mailman."
The class laughed.
"OK, young man. Now you're going straight to the principal." said the teacher.
And the principal laughed too.
We invite grandparents to a special day at our school, culminating in a photo op with grandparent and grandchild posing in front of a colorful display from a history class. Only after the last shot was snapped did we notice what appeared above each grandparent's head: a banner screaming,
"Discover the Ancient World."
The old pastor made it to a practice to visit the parish school one day a week.
He walked into the 4th grade class, where the children were studying the states, and asked them how many states they could name.
They came up with about 40 names.
He jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states.
One lad raised his hand and said, "Yes, but in those days there were only 13."
Blood Circulation
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, he said, "Now, boys, if I stood on my head the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I should turn red in the face."
"Yes, sir," the boys said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
Little Johnny shouted, "'Cause yer feet ain't empty."