The ultimate premium-curated joke collection
Sharpen your pencils and prepare to laugh at the best teacher and classroom jokes.
A teacher is writing a problem on the blackboard when she turns around and says, "If you are stupid, please stand up."
After a while, a student stands up and says,"I really don't think I'm stupid, but I feel bad for you standing there by yourself."
A man escaped jail by digging a hole from his jail cell to the outside world. When finally his work was done, he emerged in the middle of a preschool playground.
"I'm free, I'm free!" he shouted.
"So what," said a little girl. "I'm four."
What's the difference between a teacher and a train?
A train goes "chew, chew, chew," and a teacher says, "Spit that gum out!"
Why can't Dolly Parton be a teacher?
Because every time she turns around she erases the black board.
The teacher of the Earth Science class was lecturing on map reading. He spent the class explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees, and minutes. Towards the end of class, the teacher asked his students, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude..." A student's voice broke the confused silence, and volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone, sir."
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."
Little johnny was going to school.
Incredibly he found a genie and was given 3 wishes.
"Can I have a piece of candy?" he said.
"Kid, I am a powerful genie ask for something else."
"Mmmm, ok, give me 2 pieces of candy."
"You think I have time for such small wishes? Don't ask for something so small."
"I want candy."
"Ok kid here you go; infinite candy."
"Cool, thank you."
"Ok whats your second wish? Kid, i don't have all day."
"But I still have 3 wishes.."
Gary: I don't think I deserve a zero on this test.
Teacher: I agree, but it's the lowest mark I can give you.
A blonde girl was at school staring at a puzzle on her desk that she could not figure out. The teacher comes by and tells her, "You can solve it! Just use your head!" The teacher comes back to check on the blonde and she saw her head all bruised up. The teacher said, "What happened?!" Then the blonde says, "Well, you told me to use my head."
MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB
Her father shot it dead
Now it goes to school with her
Between two hunks of bread.
A small boy stunned his parents after Sunday School when he began to empty his pockets of nickels, dimes and quarters. Finally his mother asked the obvious question, "Where did you get all that money?"
"At church," the boy replied nonchalantly. "They have bowls of it."
Teacher to student: "I just read the composition on 'My House' that you had submitted."
Student: "Yes, is there anything wrong?"
Teacher: "No. It was excellent. It was exactly the same composition that your older brother submitted last year."
Student: "Well...we live in the same house..."
There's a big controversy on the Jewish view of exactly when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until after it graduates from medical school.
A teacher asked her children just before they were about to leave class for Mass,
"And why is it necessary to be quiet during Mass?"
One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."
The dean of a women's college, addressing her charges, concluded, "...and remember, young ladies, you represent not only your own honor but that of the school. When approached by young men, ask yourself: Is an hour's pleasure worth a lifetime of disgrace? Now, are there any questions?"
A young lady immediately raised her hand and said, "Tell me, how do you make it last an hour?"
A Sunday school teacher said to her children, "We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a higher power. Can anybody tell me what it is?"
One child blurted out, "Aces!"
President Bush was visiting a classroom where a teacher was giving a lesson on blood circulation. Trying to make the lesson clearer, he said, "Now, children, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run to my face."
"Yes, sir," one of the girls said.
"Then why is it," he continued, "that while I am standing upright the blood doesn't run to my feet?"
"Because your feet aren't empty," replied a boy in the back of the room.
Q: How do you recognize a blonde in school?
A: They are the only ones who erase their
notebook when the teacher erases the board.
What was the witches favorite subject in school?
SPELLing
Bill and Hillary were going down a back road and stopped at a gas station.
As the worker was filling up their car, he said to Hillary, "I went to high school with you".
She recognized him and agreed with him.
Later, as they were driving down the road, Bill said, "If you had married him you wouldn't be married to the President."
Hillary said, "Oh yes, I would - he would be President."
When kids say:
The party is supervised = It's supervised by a grandparent who falls asleep most of the time.
I'm doing well in school = Oh crap, I need help.
It's okay, I don't need help = Get the heck away from me.
When men say:
Hi honey, how are you? = I've been cheating on you for the last 2 months, or, I cheated on you last night.
When women say:
I'm too tired to make dinner = Who do you think I am making dinner for you every night? Can't a woman take a frickin' break?
A blond is in math class. The teacher says, "We are going to be learning about pi (3.14) today. Does anyone know what that is?" The blond says "I do. I made a cherry one this morning."
The tourist had lost his way on a back road and stopped at the farmhouse to ask if he could be put up for the night. "Well, we're a mighty crowded, since there's already someone in the spare room" replied the farmer. "But I guess you can stay if you don't mind sharing the bed with a red haired schoolteacher."
"Look," said the tourist, "I want you to know I'm a gentleman."
"Well," mused the farmer, "as far as I can tell, so is the red haired schoolteacher."
One day a boy walked in the classroom. The teacher asked him why he was late; he said he was on top of Blueberry Hill. The next boy walked in and the teacher asked him why he was late; he said he was on top of Blueberry Hill. The last boy walked in and the teacher asked him why he was late. He said he was on top of Blueberry Hill. Then a girl walked in and the teacher said, "Let me guess, you're late beacause you were on top of Blueberry Hill". Then the girl said, "I am Blueberry Hill".