Forest
How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.
Puns
Welcome to the laugh factory!
We've parsed thousands of clean jokes, dad jokes, and puns to curate the absolute best 500+ into 20 categories. Check out some random highlights below, or pick a category!
Pick Up
Knock-Knock
Who's There.
Pick up.
Pick up Who?
Pick up your truck and I'll grab the money.
Knock Knock
MJ Jokes
What's the difference between MJ and a grocery bag?
One is white, made of plastic, dangerous for children to play with, and the other one holds groceries!
Why does MJ like Wal-Mart?
Because they have boys' pants half off!
What time is bedtime in Neverland?
When the big hand touches the little hand!
And now, for the grand finale:
What is brown and in little boys' pants?
MJ's hand!
Deep Thoughts
How Many...
Q: how many men does it take to screw in a light bulb
A: 3, one to screw in the light bulb an 2 to listen to him brag about the "srewing" part
Lightbulb
Bad Financial Advice
A young college co-ed came running in tears to her father. "Dad, you gave me some terrible financial advice!"
"I did? What did I tell you?" said the dad.
"You told me to put my money in that big bank, and now that big bank is in trouble."
"What are you talking about? That's one of the largest banks in the state," he said. "there must be some mistake."
"I don't think so," she sniffed. "They just returned one of my checks with a note saying, 'Insufficient Funds'."
Dad Jokes
How Many Men? (a Variation)
How many men does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: One, men will screw anything.
Lightbulb
The Sluts Prayer
Now I lay me down to sleep
With the boy across the street
Won't my mommy be surprised
When my tummy starts to rise
Won't my daddy be disgusted
When he finds my cherry's busted.
Dad Jokes
Misleading
Joe was in court charged with parking his car in a restricted area. The judge asked him if he had anything to say in his defense.
"They should not put up such misleading notices," said Joe.
"It said, FINE FOR PARKING HERE."
Legal
Alaska
You know your are in Alaska when you go to court and they ask you where you were on the night of October to April!
Legal
My Little Blonde Sister
My brother and I were sitting at the computer reading the daily teaser from the past week. I read the last one (April 30th 2006) and my sister(who is a blonde) walks in to get a drink. I'm reading a line that says:"But, madam!", replied the bellman, and my sister walks up behind me and says "What did you call me?!" and I say, "Well I didn't call you any thing. I was reading this joke and she says, "Oh well I thought you were calling me a damn bitch!"
Programming
Semi-pro Baseball
Egotistical Harry was always reminding people that he played semi-pro baseball.
"I was the James Bond type of player," he told his friends. "I had all sorts of tricks to confuse the opposition."
"Batted .007," his wife added.
Sports
Where There's a Will, There's a Way
A wealthy man had a falling out with his two sons. It was serious enough that he decided to change his will.
At his lawyer's office, he threw his will on the table and said, "This needs an heircut."
Puns
Cow or Owl?
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Moo, moo, who.
Moo, moo, who, who?
Well, make up your mind, are you a cow or an owl?
Knock Knock
Blisters on Her Lips
Why did the blond have blisters on her lips?
From trying to blow out lightbulbs!
Lightbulb
Tex
Knock-Knock
Who's there?
Tex
Tex who?
Tex two to tango.
Knock Knock
Where Do They Go?
Q. Where do Comedians go if they are sick?
A. To the He-He-Mergency room!
Medical
Trust the Doctor
A few days before his proctological exam, a one eyed man accidentally swallowed his glass eye.
He was worried for a while, but there were no ill effects, so he forgot about it.
Once he was in the doctor's office, the man followed instructions, undressed, and bent over. The first thing the proctologist saw when he looked up the man's ass was that eye staring right back at him.
"You know," said the doctor, "you really have to learn to trust me."
Medical
Funny Doctors
Doctor: Mrs Smith, you have acute angina.
Mrs. Smith: I came here to be examined, not admired.
Medical
Healthy Texas
At the urging of his doctor, Bill moved to Texas.
After settling in, he met a neighbor who was also an older man.
"Say, is this really a healthy place?"
"It sure is," the man replied.
"When I first arrived here I couldn't say one word. I had hardly any hair on my head. I didn't have the strength to walk across a room and I had to be lifted out of bed."
"That's wonderful!" said Bill. "How long have you been here?"
"I was born here."
Deep Thoughts
Train Accident
Patient: I'm in a hospital! Why am I in here?
Doctor: You've had an accident involving a train.
Patient: What happened?
Doctor: Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?
Patient: Well... The bad news first...
Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them.
Patient: That's terrible! What's the good news?
Doctor: There's a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers.
Medical
Hello?
So I have this great knock knock joke for you!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Hello?
Hello who?
Hello?
Hello who!!?
Oh Hi?
Hey, I have this great knock knock joke for you!
Okay knock knock.
Who's there?
Hello?
Who's there!!!!!!??
The door slams.
Knock knock. Ding Dong.
Fine.
Hello?
Hello?
Hello!!!?
*peacecylone*
Knock Knock
Haf
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Haf.
Haf who.
Haf you ever opened the door because I'm tired of waiting.
Knock Knock
Getting Older
Maybe it's true that life begins at 40. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
There are three signs of old age. The first is your loss of memory, the other two I forget.
Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.
Office
Two Pints
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first goes up to the bartender and says, "I'll have a pint of lager, please." The next one says, "and I'll have half of what he's having." The bartender says, "You're all idiots," and pulls two pints.
Bar