The ultimate premium-curated joke collection
We've parsed thousands of clean jokes, dad jokes, and puns to curate the absolute best 500+ into 20 categories. Check out some random highlights below, or pick a category!
Hey, pal! Buddy, friend, mate, amigo!
I've just heard that I won first prize in a competition!
It's a ten-day holiday for me and five others to Disney World!
So I was wondering, if you're not doing anything next Wednesday, if you could
put my garbage can out for collection!
A blond and her friends went to a bank to rob it. The blond's job was to get the code for the vault they wanted to rob. Finally, the blond came back to the vault and began punching in numbers. Each time she typed in a number it beeped a different sound. A friend asked, "Do you know the code?"
The blond said, "No, but listen." She made a whole bunch of beeps then said, "It's the funky town music!"
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Aesop
Aesop who?
Aesop I saw a Putty Cat, I did I did!
If "poly" means "many" and a tic is a bloodsucking creature, than what are politicians?
Three men walked into a bar. They died
What is Kermit the Frog's middle name?
The.
The little church in the suburbs suddenly stopped buying from its regular office supply dealer, so the dealer telephoned Deacon Brown to ask why.
"I'll tell you why," shouted Deacon Brown. "Our church ordered some pencils from you to be used in the pews for visitors to register."
"Well," interrupted the dealer, "didn't you receive them?"
"Oh, we received them all right," replied Deacon Brown.
"However, you sent us golf pencils; each stamped with the words, `Play Golf Next Sunday.'"
I read right the way through a medical dictionary, and found that the only thing in it I DON'T have is hypochondria!
Enter this old elementary school story onto your calculator fun a cheap laugh - the numbers or signs that you should enter are in quotes.
Once upon a time, there was an old lady who was "69" years old. She had always thought that her boobs were "222" (too too too) big. So she went to "51" (fifty-first) street to see Doctor "X" "8" times. When she came back, she was...*turn calculator upside-down and read*
Knock- Knock
Who's There?
Kenya
Kenya Who?
Kenya eat me out?
How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None 'o yo' fuckin' business!
How do you catch a unique rabbit?
Unique up on it.
A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog. All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head.
The manager runs up to the man and asks, "What are you doing?!!"
The blind man replies, "Just looking around."
Tom: I've got a great knock-knock joke.
Bill: Ok, let's hear it.
Tom: You start.
Bill: Knock-knock.
Tom: Who's there?
Bill: ???????????? (dumbfounded)
A co-worker of mine fielded phone calls from his Alumni Association every three months for about five years, ostensibly checking to see that his records were up to date, and coincidentally asking if he'd like to donate to the Alumni Association. Once, when checking his records, the employee asked, "Is xxx-xxxx your current phone number?"
Seeing his opportunity, he answered no, and made up a new phone number. He hasn't heard from them since.
Your so ugly, when you were born the doctors shoved you back in.
A man and wife are out shopping one day.
The wife turns to her husband and says; "Darling it's my mum's birthday tomorrow what shall we get her? Perhaps something electric?"
"A chair?" replies the husband.
The Blonde walked into a bar. The Brunette used the door. The redhead actually OPENED the door, and the Asian actually WENT THROUGH the door.
Hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers?
It's called, Sosumi.
Middle Age: when knees buckle and belts don't.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Isabel.
Isabel who?
Is-a-bel ringing? I thought I heard one.
Your momma so ugly when she went to the horse track people started placing bets on her.
I joined a health club last year, spent about $400, and haven't lost a pound.
Apparently, you have to show up.
A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool and show who was boss on the aviation frequencies. So, this was his first time approaching a field during the nighttime. Instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said, "Guess who?"
The controller switched the field lights off and replied, "Guess where!"