The ultimate premium-curated joke collection
We've parsed thousands of clean jokes, dad jokes, and puns to curate the absolute best 500+ into 20 categories. Check out some random highlights below, or pick a category!
A blonde walks into a hospital in slight discomfort.
"Can I have a hot towel to put on my nose, please?"
The nurse was curious and asked, "Why would you like a hot towel to put on your nose?"
The blonde replies, "Well, I wanted to sniff some coke to see what the big deal was, and I got an ice cube stuck up my nose."
Q. What do you call a blond, redneck lawyer?
A. Yo Momma!
Two cows were talking in the field. One cow says, "Have you heard about the Mad Cow disease that's going around?"
The other cow answers, "Yeah, makes you glad we're penguins, doesn't it?"
Did you hear about the scientists who crossed a porcupine with a sheep? They got an animal that knits its own sweaters.
Some common phrases that bees should know:
Are you are hipbee?
How comb?
Hive already finished.
Q: What do you call one lawyer thrown off a bridge into a river?
A: Pollution.
Q: What do you call all the lawyers thrown off a bridge?
A: Solution.
Q: Where do cows go on Saturday nights?
A: To the moovies
Q. What's worse than raining cats and dogs?
A. Hailing taxicabs!
A tutor who tooted the flute
Tried to teach two young tooters to toot
Said the two to the tutor
Is it harder to toot or
To tutor two tooters to toot?
"All my life I wanted to be someone; I guess I
should have been more specific."
-Jane Wagner
A little boy was in his room playing with himself, when his father walked in.
"Son! If you masturbate too much, you're gonna go blind!"
"Dad," the boy said, "I'm over here."
Eat right, stay fit, die anyway!
"You have a very rare and extremely contagious condition," the doctor told his patient. "We're going to put you in an isolation unit, where you'll be on a diet of pancakes and pizza."
"Will pancakes and pizza cure my condition?"
"No," replied the doctor. "They're the only things we can slip under the door."
We regret to inform you, but by opening this email, you have just received the 'Idiot Computer Virus'.
Since our staff does not have any programming experience, this virus works on the honor system.
Please delete all files from your hard drive immediately, then manually forward this virus to everyone on your mailing list.
Thank You
A blond is in math class. The teacher says, "We are going to be learning about pi (3.14) today. Does anyone know what that is?" The blond says "I do. I made a cherry one this morning."
A little girl got on her grandpa's lap and said, "Did God make me?"
"Yes," the grandpa replied.
"Did God make you, too?"
"Yes," the grandpa said.
"Well," the little girl said, while running her fingers down his wrinkles and looking at his thinning hair, "He sure is doing a better job nowadays."
Q: Why did the blonde get pulled over by the police?
A: Her headlights weren't working, so she was flashing people
A red-faced judge convened court after a long lunch. The first case involved a man charged with drunk driving who claimed it simply wasn't true. "I'm as sober as you are, your honor," the man claimed.
The judge replied, "Clerk, please enter a guilty plea. The defendant is sentenced to 30 days in jail."
Why were the police at the baseball game?
Because someone stole second base!
When a car skidded on wet pavement and struck a telephone pole, several bystanders ran over to help the driver. A woman was the first to reach the victim, but a man rushed in and pushed her aside. "Step aside lady," he barked. "I've taken a course in first-aid!"
The woman watched for a few minutes, then tapped him on the shoulder. "Pardon me," she said. "But when you get to the part about calling a
doctor, I'm right here."
Q: How many aerobics instructors does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Five. Four to do it in perfect synchrony and one to stand there going "To the left, and to the left, and to the left, and to the left, and take it out, and put it down, and pick it up, and put it in, and to the right, and to the right, and to the right, and to the right..."
Q: Why did the scientist install a door knocker on his door and not a door bell?
A: He wanted to win the No-Bell (Nobel) prize!
How many men does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: One, men will screw anything.
Dear son,
Good luck with your exams tomorrow. I always think that it's best to stay up partying all of the night before an exam. Exam rooms are always a good place to catch up on sleep, because they're silent, and there's nothing to do in them anyway.
Love,
Dad