The ultimate premium-curated joke collection
We've parsed thousands of clean jokes, dad jokes, and puns to curate the absolute best 500+ into 20 categories. Check out some random highlights below, or pick a category!
A man and his friend are out camping and the first one needs to go to the bathroom and they have no toliet paper so he asks his friend what to do. His friend says just wipe it with your hand and smack it on a rock. So the man does so and smacks his hand on a rock and it hurts him really bad, so to reduce the pain he sucks on his hand.
"Grade inflation," where assigned grades creep higher and higher, is a concern for teachers. What's the logical limit of grade inflation?
F - Student appears to be a multicellular organism.
D - Student has mastered many autonomic bodily functions.
C - Student can operate a writing instrument without harming self or others.
B - Student is able to form a complete sentence, on the second or third try.
A - Student has marginal to excellent understanding of the course material.
Knock Knock?
Who's there?
Megan
Megan who?
Makin a list chekin it twice gonna find out who's naughty or nice.
There was a dyslexic insomniac agnostic.
He laid awake all night wondering if there really was a Dog.
How do you get a blonde to marry you?
Tell her she's pregnant.
What will be her response?
"Is it mine?"
Did you hear about the sailor who died, and wanted to be buried at sea by his 5 blonde daughters?
His daughters all drowned digging the grave.
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Kanga.
Kanga who?
No! Kangaroo!
DARE, to keep cops off donuts
Johnny and his mother were having a parent-teacher conference.
MOTHER: Johnny really enjoys having you as a teacher, Mrs. Bengal.
JOHNNY: Really? I didn't know it was opposite day!
Lisa was playing bowling with her friend Marie. Lisa got a strike, then one more strike. Then, she got another strike. She had just gotten 3 strikes in a row!
"I just got 3 strikes in a row!" said Lisa.
Marie said, "You're out, you just got 3 strikes in a row!"
From the instruction manual for the first stewardesses (in 1930):
Keep the clock and altimeter wound up.
Carry a railroad timetable in case the plane is grounded.
Warn the passengers against throwing their cigars and cigarettes out the windows.
Keep an eye on passengers when they go to the lavatory to be sure they don't mistakenly go out the emergency exit.
George Carlin said it best about Martha Stewart:
"Boy, I feel a lot safer now that she's behind bars. O. J. Simpson and Kobe Bryant are still walking around; Osama Bin Laden too, but they take the ONE woman in America willing to cook, clean, and work in the yard, and they haul her fanny off to jail."
What's the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?
A good lawyer knows the law; a great lawyer knows the judge.
Q. Why are 1990 American dollar bills worth more
than 1989 American dollar bills?
A. One thousand nine hundred and ninety dollar
bills are worth one dollar more than one thousand
nine hundred and eighty-nine dollar bills.
A man awoke in a hospital bed after a complicated operation, and found that the curtains were drawn around him. "Why are the curtains closed?" he said. "Is it night?"
A nurse replied, "No, it's just that there is a fire across the street, and we didn't want you waking up and thinking that the operation was unsuccessful."
Man in car,
Went to bar.
Feeling nifty,
Doing fifty.
Hit a car,
Poor old soul.
Doctor's fee,
CEMETARY!
What do you call 500 lawyers at the bottom of the sea?
A start.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Esther.
Esther who?
The Esther Bunny.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Stella.
Stella who?
Stella nother Esther Bunny.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Samoa.
Samoa who?
Samoa Esther Bunnies.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Consumption.
Consumption who?
Consumption be done about all these Esther Bunnies?
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Esther.
Esther who?
Esther anyone else as sick of this joke as I am?
What are two blondes doing in front of a motorcycle?
Arguing about who get a window seat.
Every solution breeds new problems.
Knock-knock
Who's there?
Olive
Olive who?
Olive you!!!
A man comes to dinner at a new friend's house.
While they eat, the new friend's small son keeps staring at the guest. Finally, the guest says, 'Why are you staring at me like that, young fellow?'
The kid says, 'Daddy told me you were a self-made man.'
'I am.'
'Well, why did you make yourself like that?'
"What possible reason can you have for acquitting this defendant?" the judge shouted at the jury.
"Insanity, Your Honour," replied the foreman.
"All TWELVE of you?" bellowed the judge.
Yo Momma so fat when she stepped on my dog's tail I had to change his name to "Beaver."