Blondes At College
What are the blonde's first words after 4 years of college?
"Would you like fries with that?"
Misc
Welcome to the laugh factory!
We've parsed thousands of clean jokes, dad jokes, and puns to curate the absolute best 500+ into 20 categories. Check out some random highlights below, or pick a category!
I and I
A man was lost for hours when he suddenly came up to a house.
The man knocked on the door and asks to enter. The woman who owns the house asked, "Who is it?"
The man answered, "I and I King Silassi I Jah Rasta Fari."
The lady replied, "Go away, there are too many of you for me to let you in."
Knock Knock
Laugh
"He who laughs last, doesn't get the joke."
One Liners
Really Old
My health teacher said once he was talking to this one guy and a student. As they were talking the student got curious and asked, "How long have you been teaching here?"
My health teachser replied, "Oh about 37 years."
The student said he must be old and the other guy, who is elderly as well says,
"Ya, and Jesus still owes me a buck."
School
The Cab Driver
A preacher dies, and when he gets to Heaven, he sees a New York cab driver who has more crowns. He says to an angel, "I don't get it. I devoted my whole life to my congregation." The angel says, "We reward results. Did your congregation always pay attention when you gave a sermon?" The preacher says, "Once in a while someone fell asleep." The angel says, "Right. And when people rode in this guy's taxi, they not only stayed awake, but they usually prayed!"
Misc
How Many Irishmen...
How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: 50... 1 to hold the lightbulb, and 49 to drink 'till the room spins!
Lightbulb
Alison
Knock-Knock?
Who's there?
Alison.
Alison who?
Alison (I listen) to the radio sometimes!
Knock Knock
Dolly Parton
Why can't Dolly Parton be a teacher?
Because every time she turns around she erases the black board.
School
Sunglasses
Yo' Mama's teeth are so yellow, her tonsils have to wear sunglasses.
Yo Momma
Chair
The voluptuous blonde entered the dentist's office in an obvious state of agitation. She sat down in the chair and fidgeted nervously as the dentist prepared his utensils.
"Oh, doctor," she exclaimed, as he prepared to look into her mouth. "I'm so afraid of dentists. Why, I think I'd rather have a baby than have a tooth drilled."
"Well, miss," said the dentist impatiently, "better make up your mind before I adjust the chair."
Medical
Accordion
Knock-Knock.
Who's there?
Accordion.
Accordion who?
Accordion to the t.v., it's going to be cold out.
Knock Knock
No Drinking and Driving Dad!!!
Once there was a mom and a dad , they had a daughter called Angelica. So the dad was very thirsty because he had been driving a lot, so he asked his daughter "sweetheart can I have some of your juice?" She answers "daddy no drinking and driving, that's what the law says!!!"
Kids
Tired?
The amount of sleep required by the average person is about five minutes more.
One Liners
Frog Noises
A six year old goes to the hospital with his grandma to visit his grandpa.
When they get to the hospital, he runs ahead of his grandma and bursts into his grampa's room.
"Grampa, Grampa," he says excitedly, "as soon as grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"
"What?" said his grandpa.
"Make a noise like a frog because grandma said that as soon as you croaked, we're going to Disneyland!!!"
Kids
Warning- very corny!
What do you call a bear who's into gardening?
A Hairy Potter!
Puns
Dishwater
A young bride and groom-to-be had just selected their wedding rings. As the young lady admired the plain platinum and diamond band she had chosen for herself, she suddenly looked concerned.
"Tell me," she asked the rather elderly salesman, "is there anything special I'll have to do to take care of this ring?"
With a fatherly smile, the salesman said, "One of the best ways to protect a wedding ring is to soak it in dishwater."
Relationships
Intersection
A police officer pulled over a vehicle that had just driven through an intersection without slowing for the traffic light, which flashes red continually. (It flashes amber for the cross direction.)
The driver, blonde of course, explained, "But I didn't go through on the RED, I went through on the BLACK!"
Office
The Doctor VIII
Two friends, who haven't met for a couple of years, are catching up with each other's news.
One says, "And then the doctor said he'd have me back on my feet in a fortnight!"
His pal says, "Well, did he?"
"He sure did, I had to sell my car to pay him!"
Medical
Look Out For Cops
A blonde and a brunette are out driving, and the brunette tells the blonde to look out for cops - especially cops with their lights on. After they've been driving for a while, the brunette asks the blonde if she's seen any cops.
"Yes," says the blonde.
"Are their lights on?"
The blonde has to think for a moment, then says, "Yes, no, yes, no, yes, no."
Misc
Shopping Early
It was Christmas, and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner, "What are you charged with?"
"Doing my Christmas shopping early," replied the defendant.
"Surely that's no offense," said the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?"
"Before the store opened."
Legal
Ordering Soup
What kind of soup do you order at a gay Chinese resturant?
Cream of Yungi (Cream of Young Guy)
Misc
Looking back on photos
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, he's a doctor.'"
A small voice from the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher; she's still old, nasty, and wrinkled"
Kids
HEY DIDDLE, DIDDLE,...
HEY DIDDLE, DIDDLE,
the cat did a piddle,
all over the bedside clock,
The little dog laughed
to see such fun
then died of electric shock.
Animals
Bus
A blonde missed a 44 bus so she took the 22 bus twice!
One Liners