Which is heavier?
Which is heavier, 20 pounds of rocks or 20 pounds of sugar?
Their both 20 pounds! doy!
Misc
Welcome to the laugh factory!
We've parsed thousands of clean jokes, dad jokes, and puns to curate the absolute best 500+ into 20 categories. Check out some random highlights below, or pick a category!
FBI
How many FBI agents does it take to change a lightbulb?
Shut up! We'll be asking the questions here.
Lightbulb
Warm Welcome
Knock-knock
GO AWAY!!! WE DON'T WANT ANY!!!
Knock Knock
Child-Proofed
We child-proofed our home 3 years ago but they're still getting in!
Kids
A Side Order of Blondes
Two blondes are on opposite sides of a lake.
One blonde yells to the other, "How do you get to the other side?"
"You are on the other side," the other blonde yells back.
Misc
Two Drunks
Two drunks get thrown out of the bar and are walking down the street when they come across this dog, sitting on the curb, licking his balls.
They stand there watching and after a while one of them says, "I sure wish I could do that!"
The other one looks at him and says, "Well, I think I'd pet him first."
Animals
Yo Mamma So Fat
Yo Mama so fat that she bent over and got arrested for selling crack.
Yo Momma
Heart Attack
Because an increasing number of people are having heart attacks while gambling, the big, high-class casinos are now equipped with sophisticated defibrillators. They are computer-controlled to deliver the exact electric shock needed to revive a heart attack victim. That is, if you're at a big, high-class casino.
At the cheaper casinos downtown, they just drag you across the carpet and touch your finger to the doorknob.
Programming
Madame
Knock knock?
Who's there?
Madame.
Madame who?
Madame foot is stuck in the door!!
(My damn foot is stuck in the door.)
Knock Knock
Robot Lawyers
Lawyers are safe from the threat of automation taking over their professions. No one would build a robot to do nothing.
Legal
Hillary Clinton Has Finished...
"Hillary Clinton has finished her memoirs for publication next year, while Bill has barely finished the first chapter. Well, in all fairness, Fiction is a lot harder to write."
- Jay Leno
Animals
Blond Les-bar
Q) What does a blond say when she comes out of a lesbian bar?
A) Wow, those people sure were friendly!
Bar
Abbreviations Limerick
She frowned and called him Mr.
Because in sport he kr.
And so in spite
That very night
The Mr. kr. sr.
Relationships
Ice Cubes
Why should you never ask a blonde to make ice cubes for you?
She'll never remember the recipe.
Food
Nurse Nurse
Veronica: Nurse, I am losing my hair!
Nurse: Okay, what size paper bag do you need?
Medical
Amputation
A patient wakes up after having surgery to remove a gangrenous leg.
Doctor: "I have good news and bad news."
Patient: "What's the bad news?"
Doctor: "The bad news is that we amputated the wrong leg."
Patient: "That's terrible! What's the good news?"
Doctor: "We think the other leg is going to make it alright."
Medical
Fish and chips
A blonde walked into a library and said to the librarian, "Can I have some fish and chips please?"
The librarian gave her a funny look and said, " I'm sorry, this is a library."
So the blonde whispers,"Can I have some fish and chips please?"
Animals
Famous Last Words
Famous Last Words
"Oh come on, nobody's died from this in years."
"I saw it on Jackass last night."
"My dad did it when he was a kid."
"Yes, I'm sure that the power is off."
"It'll only hurt for a couple of days."
"See, I'm not afraid of heights."
One Liners
Metric System
Darn those pushy metric system advocates!
Give them 2.54 cm., and they'll take 1.6093 km!
Technology
Bullfighters
What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quattro Sinko.
Puns
Yo Daddy
your daddies so old, i slapped his butt and his balls fell off
Dad Jokes
Porcupine and Sheep
Did you hear about the scientists who crossed a porcupine with a sheep? They got an animal that knits its own sweaters.
Animals
Mind Over Matter
Mind Over Matter
If you don't mind,
it doesn't matter.
Puns
Testing a New Recruit
Police Chief: As a recruit, you'll be faced with some difficult issues. What would you do if you had to arrest your mother?
New Recruit: Call for backup!
Misc