How do you know?
Q. How do you know when you're REALLY ugly?
A. Your dog humps your leg with his eyes closed
Animals
Welcome to the laugh factory!
We've parsed thousands of clean jokes, dad jokes, and puns to curate the absolute best 500+ into 20 categories. Check out some random highlights below, or pick a category!
Kool-Aid
Why do blondes hate making Kool-aid?
They can't fit the 8 cups of water in the
envelope!
Misc
Toilet Paper
How many men does it take to change a roll of
toilet paper?
We don't know, it has never happened.
Relationships
Bank Name
Mother decided that 7-year-old Cathy should get something 'practical' for her birthday.
"Suppose we open a savings account for you?" mother suggested. Cathy was delighted.
"It's your account, darling," mother said as they arrived at the bank, "so you fill out the application."
Cathy was doing fine until she came to the space for 'Name of your former bank.' After a slight hesitation, she put down 'Piggy.'
Kids
He's the Boss
The boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local card and novelty shop and bought a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss". He then taped it to his office door.
Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said. "Your wife called, she wants her sign back
Relationships
Alarming...
Knock-Knock,
Who's there?
Alarm.
Alarm who?
Alarm the cops about all the partying I've been having!!
Knock Knock
Unlucky
My granddad was a very unlucky man.
He made a soft drink, and called it 1-up, but it didn't sell.
He made another, called it 2-up, which also didn't sell.
He tried yet another, called it 3-up.
He got to 6-up, and quit.
Dad Jokes
Hiccups
A man goes into a drug store and asks the pharmacist if he can give him something for the hiccups.
The pharmacist promptly reaches down, pulls out a knife, and lunges at the man.
The man backs away and yells "WHAT THE HELL IS THE MATTER WITH YOU?"
"Well, you don't have the hiccups anymore do you?" replies the pharmacist.
The man says, "No I don't, you jerk; but my wife out in the car still does!"
Relationships
Blonde Nurse
Q: Why does a blonde nurse carry around a red pen?
A: To draw blood.
Medical
Bubble Gum
Yo momma's like a bubble gum machine, 5 cents a blow.
Yo Momma
Weird Facts XVI
The first TV remote control, introduced in 1950, was called Lazy Bones.
Lemon sharks can give birth to about 36 babies at one time.
The top of the Empire State Building was originally built as a place to anchor blimps.
The area code in Cape Canaveral, Fl, is 321.
Programming
Great Fishing
Fishing season hasn't opened and a fisherman who doesn't have a license, is casting for trout as a stranger approaches and asks: "Any luck?"
"Any luck? This is a wonderful spot. I took 10 out of this stream yesterday," he boasts.
"Is that so? By the way, do you know who I am?" asks the stranger.
"Nope."
"Well, meet the new game warden."
"Oh," gulped the fisherman. "Well, do you know who I am?"
"Nope."
"Meet the biggest liar in the state!"
Sports
Radio
Knock Knock!
Who's There?
Radio.
Radio Who?
Radio not, here I come!
Knock Knock
Sanitarium
A doctor came to a sanitarium to check up on the patients. He sees that everybody is walking around with an empty leash. So he asks a few patients what they are doing.
They all answered that they are taking their dog out on a walk. Only one of the patients said "What are you, blind? I'm holding an empty leash!"
So the doctor says "Very good, I see you are not as crazy as everyone else."
When the doctor leaves, the patient says, "Did you see how we fooled him, Sparky?!"
Medical
Offspring
What do you get when you breed a blonde and a New York gangster?
A juvenile deliquent who spray paints chain link fences.
Misc
Two Drunks
Two drunks get thrown out of the bar and are walking down the street when they come across this dog, sitting on the curb, licking his balls.
They stand there watching and after a while one of them says, "I sure wish I could do that!"
The other one looks at him and says, "Well, I think I'd pet him first."
Animals
As the Crowded Elevator...
As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Silverman became increasingly furious with her husband, who was delighted to be pressed against a gorgeous young blonde woman.
As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the blonde suddenly whirled, slapped Mr. Silverman, and said, "That will teach you to pinch!"
Bewildered, Mr. Silverman was halfway to the parking lot with his wife when he choked, "I . . . didn't pinch that girl."
"Of course you didn't," replied his wife, consolingly. "I did."
Relationships
Golfing Guru
Two women were paired together as partners in a club tournament and met on the putting green for the first time.
After introductions, the first golfer asked the second, "What's your handicap?"
"Oh, I'm a scratch golfer," the other replied.
"Really!" exclaimed the first woman, suitably impressed that she was paired up with such a strong player.
"Yes, I write down all my good scores and scratch out the bad ones!
Sports
Barbershop
A guy walks in to the Barbershop. Barber says, "What will it be today?" Guy says, "Well, I want it going with my waves on top, faded on one side, plug the other, and just make it all out of shape and messed up." Barber says, "Now why in the world do you want your hair cut like that?"
Guy says, "That's how you cut it last time."
Bar
Skunk
A married couple are driving along when they see a wounded skunk on the side of the road. They stop, the wife gets out, picks it up, and brings it into the car. She says, "Look, it's shivering, it must be cold. What should I do?"
Her husband replies, "Put it between your legs to keep it warm."
She asks,
"What about the smell?"
He says, "Hold its nose."
Relationships
Hopscotch
Yo momma's so fat, she plays hopscotch like this:
"Washington, California..."
Yo Momma
Silence
Ask me about my vow of silence..
One Liners
Old Lady Driving
There is an old lady driving on Interstate 22. A police car pulls her over and explains to the lady she is going 22 mph. She said, 'I know, isn't that the speed limit?" The officer said, 'No, this is Interstate 22'. The police officer looks in the back seat and there are three children looking quite ill. He asks her if they need help and she explains, 'No, we just left Interstate 119."
Relationships
History Class
Today in history class the topic was the Incas. Hoping to see if the students had done the reading, the teacher calls on random students and asks them questions.
"Where could the Incas be found?" The teacher's first question. "Jonie?" foolishly she called on the blonde.
Not having actually done the homework, and only halfway hearing the question, she guesses: "In the pen?"
School