I Like To..
Some times when the soap bar in the shower is small enough I like to swipe it thru my butt crack and say " beep! credit card accepted"
Bar
Welcome to the laugh factory!
We've parsed thousands of clean jokes, dad jokes, and puns to curate the absolute best 500+ into 20 categories. Check out some random highlights below, or pick a category!
Idaho
Knock-Knock
Who's there?
Idaho.
Idaho who?
I da hoe!!!
Knock Knock
So Fat
Yo mama is so fat, when she got on the scale it said To be Continued!
Yo Momma
Painting
One day in summer, Jack was going to visit his friend John. When he got to his house, he saw John, who was dressed in his warmest winter coats.
"What are you doing? Are you nuts? It's the middle of summer!" cried Jack.
"I am painting my house. And on the can, it says you must put two coats on."
Technology
Computer
How do you tell a blondes been using your computer?
There's whiteout on the screen
Programming
Definition of an Alarm Clock
alarm clock, n. a device for waking up people who don't have small children
One Liners
Bloomingdales
An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will and make her final requests. She told her rabbi she had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Bloomingdales.
"Bloomingdales!" the rabbi exclaimed. "Why Bloomingdales?"
"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."
Animals
Madam
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Madam
Madam who?
Madam foot's caught in the door!
Knock Knock
Hindu Devotee
A Hindu devotee asked God, represented by the multi-armed Lord Narayana, this question. "My dear Lord," he said. "I understand that you have innumerable inconceivable potencies, but out of all of them the energy of light seems to be the most amazing. Light pervades the spiritual world, it illuminates the material universes, and life is impossible without it."
He continued, "I would like to know how you make it work."
"Oh, that's easy," was the reply. "Many hands make light work."
Puns
Handicap
He was a smooth operator, and at the club's annual dance he attached himself to the prettiest lady golfer in the room and was boasting to her.
"You know, they're all afraid to play me. What do you think my handicap is?"
"Well, where do you want me to start ?" came the quick response.
Sports
What Did You Say?
John: I got this great new hearing aid the other day.
Mary: Are you wearing it now?
John: Yup. Cost me four thousand dollars, though. But it's top of the line.
Mary: What kind is it?
John: Twelve-thirty.
Food
Hidden
Little johnny was going to school.
Incredibly he found a genie and was given 3 wishes.
"Can I have a piece of candy?" he said.
"Kid, I am a powerful genie ask for something else."
"Mmmm, ok, give me 2 pieces of candy."
"You think I have time for such small wishes? Don't ask for something so small."
"I want candy."
"Ok kid here you go; infinite candy."
"Cool, thank you."
"Ok whats your second wish? Kid, i don't have all day."
"But I still have 3 wishes.."
School
Cholesterol
I drive way too fast to worry about my cholesterol.
One Liners
FORE!
A man is out playing golf one day when he whacks the ball harder then usual. It goes soaring in the air, and the golfer yells, "FORE!"
He runs over to find his ball, and he sees a guy holding his head in pain. The man is shouting "I will sue you, and I will win 1 thousand dollars!"
The golfer replies "But I yelled 'fore,' so you can't sue me."
The man replies: "Four, thats better than just one! I'll take it!"
Sports
Egotists
Q:How many egotists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A:Just one. He holds up the lightbulb while the rest of the world revolves around him.
Lightbulb
Ole and Lena Again
Ole and Lena went to the Olympics.
While sitting on a bench a lady turned to Ole and said, "Are you a pole vaulter?"
Ole said, "No, I'm Norvegian...and my name isn't Valter."
Technology
Mercedes
Two blondes observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger:
Blonde#1: I can't seem to get this door unlocked!
Blonde#2: Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder, its starting to rain and the top is down!
Technology
Museum Curator
The assistant curator of the musuem came to the head curator with a couple of problems. "Sir, the mummy is damp and getting mouldy. And the white mouse in the maze exhibit has developed dry skin."
The head curator thought for a minute, then advised, "Put your mummy where your mouse is."
Puns
I was Thinking
All you see in the sports media nowadays is the fact that athletes are taking steriods and other performance enhanceing drugs to become stronger and faster.
So instead of going out and buying a new car I put some steriods in the gas tank.... I wonder if I will get the same result?
Sports
Pray
Yo momma cooks so bad, your family prays after they eat!
Yo Momma
You So Ugly
Your so ugly you remind me of an elephants bottom.
Animals
Language Barrier
A Chinese guy was trying to exchange yen for dollars and asked the teller,
"Why it change, yestoday I get two hunat dollar fo yen - today Iget a Hunat eighty?"
The teller says - "Fluctuations!"
The Chinese guy says "Fluc you white guys too"
Bar
Complaining Wife
My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her...or something like that.
One Liners
Raising the Bar
I hear some rich guy wants to build a tavern at the top of Mount Everest. Talk about raising the bar high!
Puns