Welcome to the laugh factory!
We've parsed thousands of clean jokes, dad jokes, and puns to curate the absolute best 500+ into 20 categories. Check out some random highlights below, or pick a category!
Cop With a Collar
A young clergyman, fresh out of seminary, thought it would help him better understand the fears and temptations his future congregations faced if he first took a job as a policeman for several months. He passed the physical examination; then came the oral exam to test his ability to act quickly and wisely in an emergency. Among other questions he was asked, "What would you do to disperse a frenzied crowd?"
He thought for a moment and then said, "I would take up a collection."
An Elderly Woman...
An elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted. She said to the artist, "Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby brooch and Rolex watch."
"But you aren't wearing any of those things," said the artist.
"I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry."
Copperwire
How was copper wire invented?
Two lawyers were fighting over a penny.
Bar fight
A lawyer, a carpenter and an astronaut were having drinks in a bar when suddenly one gets up and hits the other.
"who hit me?"
"It wasn't me."
"I didn't see too much either."
"It must have been the dog"
"What dog?"
"I'm blind so I couldn't see a dog."
"Doh, that means I hit myself."
"hahahahaha how strange I thought you guys had hit me. Sorry about that."
And in a Year I'll be Five.
A man escaped jail by digging a hole from his jail cell to the outside world. When finally his work was done, he emerged in the middle of a preschool playground.
"I'm free, I'm free!" he shouted.
"So what," said a little girl. "I'm four."
The Doctor
One night a man knocked at the doctor's door. When the door opened -
Doctor : What is the matter?
The man : Doctor,a dog bit my leg.
Doctor : Don't you know that I don't see patients after 9 pm?
The man : I know that very well.Perhaps the dog was not aware of it.
911 Number
Shortly after the 911 emergency number became available, an elderly and quite ill lady appeared in a hospital emergency room, having driven herself to the hospital and barely managing to stagger in from the parking lot.
The horrified nurse said, "Why didn't you call the 911 number and get an ambulance?"
The lady said, "My phone doesn't have an eleven."
Coast Gaurd Bumper Sticker
This is off a Coast Guard bumper sticker:
Support Search and Rescue: GET LOST!
Blond in a Car
Why is it good to have a blond in your car?
ANSWER: You can park on places for disabled
Grizzly Fish
What do you get when you cross a fish and a grizzly?
A Bearacuda.
Humpty Dumpty
Yo mama's like Humpty Dumpty.... first she gets humped, then she gets dumped!
A Lawyer and an IRS Agent are Drowning
If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
REALLY AWESOME COMPUTER THINGY!
This will make your computer A LOT faster, and it is REALLY EZPZ! The thing is, most ppl lack the knowlege to use it.
1.Go to the START menu
2. Click My Computer
3. Right click (C:)
4.Click Format
5. Click Yes
6. Repeat on (D:), then (E:), then (A:)
7. TA DA!
FTR, if you do this, you will completely erase everything on your computer
Yo da lay he
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Yo da lay he.
Yo da lay he who?
I didn't know you could yodel!
Math
The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class.
She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?"
Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"
Attorney Nun
What do you call a nun that becomes an attorney?
Sister in law!
Bloodshot
A policeman pulls over a reckless driver along the road. Going up to the driver's window, he takes one look and notes, "Your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?" The driver looks up out of those bloodshot eyes and responds, "Your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating donuts?"
Ugly Faces
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith, the Sunday School teacher, smiling sweetly said, "Bobby, when I was a child I was told if that I made ugly an face, it would freeze and I would stay like that."
Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."
10 Things A Man Would Never Say
1. Happy aniversery!
2. Do I look fat in this?
3. Heres 100 dollars! Buy whatever you want.
4. I think im pregnant.
5. Do you wanna come shopping with me and my
friends? We're going to Victoria's Secret.
6. I'm cheating on you with 1 other man and 2 women.
7. Hunney... can we not do it tonight. I'm just not in the mood.
8. Do you just wanna go on a vacation just me and you? We can go to the Bahamas!
9. I'm sorry.
10. Whenever you wanna get divorced just tell me.
Lights Out
Ah...all the good things we get out of electricity: the T.V., computer, coffee machine, lights, and much more.
What happens when the electricity goes out?
You stop complaining that you can't watch T.V. or send an E-mail, and go buy battery-powered things!
Two Buzzards...
Two buzzards were eating a dead clown. One said to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"
Sharks
Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.
a waiter
What disasters would happen if a waiter dropped a plate of turkey?
The downfall of Greece, the overthrow of Turkey and the break up of China
Dr and the Drunk
A drunk goes to the doctor complaining of tiredness and headaches. 'I feel tired all the time,' he slurs, 'My head hurts, I've got a sore bum, and I'm not sleeping. What is it doc?'
Frowning the doctor examines him thoroughly before standing back.
'I can't find anything wrong,' he says.'It must be the drinking.'
'Fair enough,' replies the drunk.'I'll come back when you're sober.'