True
How many blonde jokes are there?
One. The rest are all true stories.
Misc
Welcome to the laugh factory!
We've parsed thousands of clean jokes, dad jokes, and puns to curate the absolute best 500+ into 20 categories. Check out some random highlights below, or pick a category!
How to Treat Our Brothers and Sisters
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."
School
Worms
How many worms does it take to screw in a light bulb?
What kind of an idiot thinks worms can screw in light bulbs?!
Lightbulb
Blondes Head
What's a blonde doing if her hands are covered tightly over her ears and her mouth is completely shut?
She's trying to hold onto a thought.
Misc
Snowmen vs Snowwomen
Q: What's the difference between Snowmen and Snowwomen?
A: Snowballs
One Liners
Lone Bones
Q: Why didn't the skeleton go to the dance?
A: Because it had no body to go with.
Misc
Fastfood
You might be a redneck if you think fast-food is hitting a dear at 65mph.
One Liners
No One
Knock knock.
Who's there?
No one.
No one who?
No one to tell you who's here!
Knock Knock
An Actual Conversation W/ Friends
"That guy looks like Jesus... and so does his friend.. did Jesus have a twin?"
"No, at least.. I dont think he did.. never thought about it"
"Oh, well. Twins are awesome... hey, why is Jesus walking into our school? *gasp* what if he rapes us all?! JESUS IS A PEDO!"
"Calm down, Jesus isn't a pedo, he loves kids!"
"Gee, that helps"
School
Train Accident
Patient: I'm in a hospital! Why am I in here?
Doctor: You've had an accident involving a train.
Patient: What happened?
Doctor: Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?
Patient: Well... The bad news first...
Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them.
Patient: That's terrible! What's the good news?
Doctor: There's a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers.
Medical
Dummy E-mail
How do you know if a dummy has been sending e-mail?
You see a bunch of envelopes stuffed into the disk drive.
Technology
Feminists
Q. How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
A. The same as the number of men, you sexist bastard!
Lightbulb
Midgets
What is grosser than gross?
When a midget walks by and says your hair smells nice!
Misc
Hungry Bats
Two Vampire bats are in a cave, both very hungry. The first bat goes out looking for some food. He comes back later with nothing.
The second bat tries not long afterwords. 5 minutes later he returns, blood all over his face!
"Wow!" said the first bat "You must've had a big meal, where did you get that?"
"Well, can you see that large redwood over there?"
"Yes" replies the first bat.
"Well I bloody well didn't."
Animals
Colorguard Girls
Q: How many colorguard girls does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Five, one to call the colorguard forward and four to take it down with a ceremony.
Lightbulb
Chicago V.s. Green Bay
If you ask a Bears fan what his or her two favorite teams are they would be:
- The Bears
- And whoever the Green Bay Packers are playing.
Sports
Lights
How many blondes does it takes to screw in a lightbulb?
three:
one to unscrew it
one to buy a new lightbulb
one to call her boyfriend to screw it back in.
Lightbulb
I was Thinking
All you see in the sports media nowadays is the fact that athletes are taking steriods and other performance enhanceing drugs to become stronger and faster.
So instead of going out and buying a new car I put some steriods in the gas tank.... I wonder if I will get the same result?
Sports
Catering
A lonely wife brought a man she had just met at a bar home to her bedroom one evening when she thought her husband was out of town. They immediately tore each other's clothes off and started going at it. She sat up quickly in bed as she heard the key in the lock.
"Quick!" she said to the man, "it's my husband! You've got to get out of here quick!"
"Where's the back door?" the man asked as he grabbed his clothes.
"There isn't one," she replied.
"Where would you like one?" he asked.
Relationships
Believer
"Please, God," the man prayed, "you know me. I'm always praying to you, yet I've had nothing but bad luck, misery and despair. Look at the butcher next door. He's never prayed in his life, and he enjoys prosperity, health and happiness. How come a believer like me is always in trouble, and he's always doing so well?"
"Because," a voice boomed from the heavens, "the butcher doesn't bug me, that's why!"
Misc
Say What Mommy Says
A family was having some people to dinner. At the table, the mother turned to her six-year-old daughter and said, "Dear, would you like to say the blessing?"
"I wouldn't know what to say," replied the little girl, shyly.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say, sweetie," the woman said.
Her daughter took a deep breath, bowed her head, and solemnly said, "Dear Lord, why the heck did I invite all these people to dinner!?!"
Kids
Computer Trouble
A man called the computer company because he was having trouble with his computer. A woman answered the phone.
"Hello. May I help you?
"Yes. I'm having trouble with my computer. Every time I press the enter key my computer goes biserk."
"I think I know what you should do."
"Really?"
"Yes."
"What should I do?"
"You should stop pressing the enter key."
Programming
True Blonde
A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."
She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so it goes on, everywhere she touches makes her scream.
The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette, are you?"
She says, "No, I'm really a blonde."
"I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken."
Office
Perfect Shot
A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed, and driving his partner nuts.
Finally, his exasperated partner said, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!"
The guy answered, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."
"Forget it, man. You don't stand a chance in hell of hitting her from here!"
Relationships