A Man's Idea of Housework
Q: What is a man's idea of helping you with the housework?
A: Lifting up his legs so you can vacuum underneath them.
Relationships
Welcome to the laugh factory!
We've parsed thousands of clean jokes, dad jokes, and puns to curate the absolute best 500+ into 20 categories. Check out some random highlights below, or pick a category!
Square
Why are the blonde's boobs square?
She forgot to take the tissues out of the box!
Misc
Model
Then there was the model who sat on a broken bottle and cut a good figure.
One Liners
Misunderstanding?
Little Mikey's parents were going out, and Mikey said, "For 20 bucks, Dad, I'll be good."
"Oh please," said his father. "When I was your age, I was good for nothing."
Kids
Birds
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
One Liners
3 Rings
There are three well known rings to marriage:
Engagement ring, Wedding ring, and suffering!
Relationships
He Suffers From Premature Ejaculation
man having problems with premature ejaculation, went to the doctor to see what to do about it.doctor said try startling your self if you feel the urge to ejaculate.on the way home he buys a starter pistol. the guy excited to try the new idea, went home and was suprised to find his wife in the bed.after few minutes of fore play they were in the 69 position he was going to ejaculate so he fires the gun. his wife shits on his face bites 3 inchs off his dick and he still ejaculates prematurly.
Medical
Diapers
One day my wife was changing my daughter's diaper, and my 3 year old son walked in and saw her and asked, "Mommy, where is her thingy?"
I almost had a heart attack, laughing so hard that day.
Kids
Complaining Wife
My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her...or something like that.
One Liners
Groups
Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursdays
at 7:30 to 8:30, Please use the back door.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. Please use
large double doors at the side entrance.
Misc
Daughter and Mother
A mother and a her daughter go to a restaurant for breakfast to celebrate her birthday. The restaurant is known for its imported cheeses.
The mother asks, "Would you like some cheese, my angel?" The little girl says,"Sure, but can you take out the holes in the cheese?"
Kids
In and Out
Mama Skunk had two children named In and Out.
The two were always on the go, but rarely in one place at the same time. Whenever In was in, Out was out. Whenever In was out, Out was in.
One day at dinner time, Out was home, but In was no where to be seen. Mama Skunk sent Out out to bring In in for dinner. Out quickly returned with In and Mama was amazed.
"However did you find In so quickly in all the vast forest?" asked Mama.
"Easy," said Out. "Instinct!"
Puns
Fooled you
What's another name for a push-up bra?
False advertisement
One Liners
Add Ons #1
You're pretty... pretty ugly!
You finally figured out how to screw in that lightbulb, but the power went out.
You're smart... smart as a fencepost!
Lightbulb
Bum
A woman was chatting with her next-door neighbor. "I feel really good today. I started out this morning with an act of unselfish generosity. I gave a five dollar bill to a bum."
"You gave a bum five whole dollars? That's a lot of money to just give away. What did your husband say about it?"
"Oh, he thought it was the proper thing to do. He said, 'Thanks.'"
Relationships
So Dumb
Yo mama so dumb that she thought Taco Bell was a Mexican phone company.
Yo Momma
Doctor Doctor Toast
Doctor, Doctor! I have a virus that makes my left hand constantly butter toast. How can I stop it spreading?
Medical
Politics
Q: How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Four, one to change it and the other three to deny it.
Lightbulb
Autopsies
Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A. All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.
Medical
Phone Booth
Yo momma is so fat, that to get her out of a phone booth we had to grease her thighs and throw a Twinkie into the street.
Yo Momma
Stereo
I put a blank tape in my TV and turned the volume all the way up. The mime next door went crazy and called the cops.
Misc
Time Fly
Yo mamma so stupid she threw a clock out the window to see time fly.
Yo Momma
Gulp, Gulp
Knock knock?
Who's there?
Oswald.
Oswald who?
Oswald(I swallowed) my gum!
Knock Knock
Heart Attack
Because an increasing number of people are having heart attacks while gambling, the big, high-class casinos are now equipped with sophisticated defibrillators. They are computer-controlled to deliver the exact electric shock needed to revive a heart attack victim. That is, if you're at a big, high-class casino.
At the cheaper casinos downtown, they just drag you across the carpet and touch your finger to the doorknob.
Programming