Stuck Door
Knock-knock!
Who's there?
Yoda!
Yoda who?
Yo-da door's stuck! Lemme in!
Knock Knock
Welcome to the laugh factory!
We've parsed thousands of clean jokes, dad jokes, and puns to curate the absolute best 500+ into 20 categories. Check out some random highlights below, or pick a category!
Batty Books 2!
Crime and Punishment by Laura Norda
The Use of Natural Fertilizers; by G.G. Dunnit
The Way to Quick Riches; by Robbin Banks
Holidays in Britain; by A. Pauline Whetha
Contagious Diseases; by Willie Catchit
Driving Through Germany; by Otto Mobile
Broken Window; by Eva Brick
Monsters; by Frank N. Stein
Cliff Tragedy; by Eileen Dover
Even More to come, i promise!!!!
Puns
Kidnapping in the Woods...
Hey, have any of you heard of the kidnapping in the woods?
Yeah, well, it all turns out OK, though, since he woke up...
Puns
Fritzchen III
The teacher asks: "Fritzchen, what is the difference between capitalism and socialism?" Fritz replies: "Capitalism is the exploitation of man by man. Under socialism, it is the other way around."
School
Gandhi
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ....what?
A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
Puns
Paper Over the Cracks
A blonde goes into a newsagent's office and asks for her usual paper.
The newsagent says, "Did you know your paper is going to cost more from tomorrow?"
"In that case, I'd better buy ten more of today's!"
Office
The Office Supplies
The little church in the suburbs suddenly stopped buying from its regular office supply dealer, so the dealer telephoned Deacon Brown to ask why.
"I'll tell you why," shouted Deacon Brown. "Our church ordered some pencils from you to be used in the pews for visitors to register."
"Well," interrupted the dealer, "didn't you receive them?"
"Oh, we received them all right," replied Deacon Brown.
"However, you sent us golf pencils; each stamped with the words, `Play Golf Next Sunday.'"
Office
Now THAT is High Resolution
The New York Times, among other papers, recently published a new Hubble Space Telescope photograph of distant galaxies colliding.
Of course, astronomers have had pictures of colliding galaxies for quite some time now, but with the vastly improved resolution provided by the Hubble, you can actually see the lawyers rushing to the scene.
Legal
You Are So Ugly
You are so ugly your mum has to feed you with a slingshot
Yo Momma
Honest Lawyer
What do you call an honest lawyer?
An oxymoron.
Legal
WD40
This husband and wife couldn't have any children, so they went to the pastor and asked for prayer.
The pastor prayed for them and annointed them with oil.
Sure enough, about 9 months later they had triplet babies. The couple once again showed up at the pastor's study and as soon as the woman saw the pastor she ran up to him, threw her arms around him and gave him the biggest hug. "What was that all about"? he asked.
She replied, "I'm just glad you used three in one oil and not WD40."
Relationships
Fool
Nothing is fool proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
One Liners
Endless Love
What's the definition of Endless Love?
Stevie Wonder playing Ray Charles at Tennis!
Endless Love!
Sports
The Track
Your momma so ugly when she went to the horse track people started placing bets on her.
Yo Momma
Milk
CAT 1- So how'd that milk drinking contest go?
CAT 2- Oh, I won by six laps.
Puns
Really Old
My health teacher said once he was talking to this one guy and a student. As they were talking the student got curious and asked, "How long have you been teaching here?"
My health teachser replied, "Oh about 37 years."
The student said he must be old and the other guy, who is elderly as well says,
"Ya, and Jesus still owes me a buck."
School
Halloween
Your momma is so ugly, the government moved Halloween to her birthday.
Yo Momma
Shorty
The little cowboy, Shorty, was leaving the bar to get on his horse for the ride back to the ranch, when he noted that someone had painted his horse's balls blue.
Totally pissed, he went back into the bar and shouted, "Who's the dirty son of a bitch that painted my horse's balls blue?!"
A big burly guy stood up and said, "I did. Got a problem with that?"
"None," says Shorty, "just wanted to let you know he was dry and ready for the 2nd coat."
Bar
Lawyers and Vampires
What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A vampire only sucks blood at night.
Legal
Am I Pregnant?
Doctor: Well I hope you enjoy changing diapers, Mrs Jones?
Mrs Jones: Why, Am I pregnant?
Doctor: No, you have bowel cancer!
Medical
T.G.I.F
A Blonde is getting on an elevator and meets a gentleman on
board.
"T.G.I.F." she says.
"S.H.I.T" was his reply.
Puzzled she replied "T.G.I.F"
The gentleman was getting a little disturbed the the remark, so
he says again. "S.H.I.T.".
The Blonde leans over and whispers "THANK GOD IT'S FRIDAY".
The gentleman responses with "SORRY, HONEY IT'S THURSDAY".
Misc
Killing Fish
Your so stupid you tried to kill a fish by drowning it!
Animals
Grasshopper
A grasshopper walks into a bar.
The bartender smiles and says "Hey, ya know we have a drink named after you!"
The grasshopper stops and says "Really? You have a drink called Steve?"
Bar
Fooling A Blonde
Teacher: What is 5 plus 4?
Blonde: 9
Teacher: What is 4 plus 5?
Blonde: Are you trying to fool me, you've just twisted the figure.
The answer is 6!!!
School