Me?
One day someone knocks on a blonde's door.
She asks: "Who is it?" and the person answers: "It's me!"
Then the blonde wonders, "Me?!?!?!"
Deep Thoughts
Welcome to the laugh factory!
We've parsed thousands of clean jokes, dad jokes, and puns to curate the absolute best 500+ into 20 categories. Check out some random highlights below, or pick a category!
Aids
Q: Why did the blonde wear condoms on her ears?
A: She was afraid she might get hearing aids.
Technology
Cancer
One day a boy said to his mom, "I'm a Picses, what are you?"
The the mom answered, "Cancer."
The boy then asked in a shocked state, "You killed Grandma?"
Kids
Pepsi Cap
Q: Why did the blonde keep taking off and putting the Pepsi bottle cap back on?
A: Because it said, 'Sorry, try again.'
Technology
I Ran Into...
BOB: Hey, I ran into George the other day.
JOE: Oh, really? Was he happy to see you?
BOB: Well, we were in our cars at the time...
Puns
Report Card
SILVIA: Dad, can you write in the dark?
FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write?
SYLVIA: Your name on this report card.
Dad Jokes
True
How many blonde jokes are there?
One. The rest are all true stories.
Misc
Chocolate
If your brain was chocolate it wouldn't fill an M&M
Technology
2 Black Eyes
What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing, you already told her twice...
Relationships
Agony
Definition of Agony?
One armed man hanging off a cliff with itchy balls
Misc
Photo Op
We invite grandparents to a special day at our school, culminating in a photo op with grandparent and grandchild posing in front of a colorful display from a history class. Only after the last shot was snapped did we notice what appeared above each grandparent's head: a banner screaming,
"Discover the Ancient World."
School
Shorty
Yo mama so short, she did a suicide jump off of the curb.
Yo Momma
Deaf
Knock Knock.
Whos there?
Deaf person.
Deaf person who?
Sorry, can't hear you.
Knock Knock
Davy Crockett
How many ears did Davy Crockett have?
3 - His right ear, his left ear, and his wild front-ear.
Puns
ATM
Why do they have braille on drive-thru ATMs?
One Liners
Stay Away!
What did one virus say to the other virus?
Keep away from me, I think I've got penicillin!
Medical
Red Ears
A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears and she answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."
"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But... what happened to your other ear?"
"The son of a bitch called back."
Medical
It's A Job!
A passenger jet was suffering through a severe thunderstorm. As the passengers were being bounced around by the turbulence, a young woman turned to a minister sitting next to her and with a nervous laugh asked,
"Reverend, you're a man of God, can't you do something about this storm?"
To which he replied, "Lady, I'm in sales, not management."
Misc
Pencil
Knock-Knock!
Who's there?
Pencil.
Pencil who?
Pencil fall down if you don't wear a belt.
Knock Knock
Cow U.
What does the "O" and the "N" stand for in 'CLEMSON'?
The "O" is for honor, and the "N" for knowledge.
Sports
Not Found in Webster's
Flea: (noun) a small, wingless, bloodsucking parasite
(see also) a. Brother-in-law
b. lawyer
c. politician
Legal
Stereo
I put a blank tape in my TV and turned the volume all the way up. The mime next door went crazy and called the cops.
Misc
Kangaroo and a Sheep
Q: What do you get when you cross a kangaroo and a sheep?
A: A sweater with pockets
Animals
Strongest Days?
Q. What are the strongest days of the week?
A. Saturday and Sunday, because all the rest are week days.
Puns