Clever Blond
What do you call a blond with half a brain?
Gifted.
Technology
Have you tried turning it off and on again? The best modern tech support humor.
Dry Cleaners
An Essex girl walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on the counter.
"I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress," she says.
"Come again?" says the clerk, cupping his ear.
"No" she replies. "This time it's mayonnaise."
I Said Up
A drunk man walked up to an elevator. He pressed the up button and opened the doors before the elevator could come down to him. He fell all the way down, and said, "Darn it, I said up."
Astounding Discovery
One day, two monks were in the vaults of the monastery going through the old scrolls.
"You see, there are the originals," said the first monk. "All the new scrolls were copied from these."
"Can I see one?"
"Sure. This is one outlines the rules for monkdom . . " All of a sudden, the monk's face turns white and he falls to his knees.
"What? What does it say?"
"Celebrate. IT SAYS CELEBRATE!"
Blonde Mechanics
A blonde got a dent in her car and took it in to the mechanic.
The mechanic, noticing that the woman was a blonde, decided to have some fun.
So he told her all she had to do was take it home and blow in the tailpipe until the dent popped itself out.
After 15 minutes of this, the blonde's blonde friend came over and asked what she was doing.
"I'm trying to pop out this dent, but it's not really working."
"Duh. You have to roll up the windows first!"
Boy Scouts
How many boy scouts does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Three- Each to do one good turn daily.
Computer vs. Air Conditioner
How is a computer like an air conditioner?
When you open Windows it won't work!
Daffynition
antique-an item your grandparents bought, your parents got rid of, and you're buying again.
Ouch, My Head!
Jack told me you told him that I told you that he was ugly, and I told you not to tell him I told you that!
It's his fault! I told him not to tell you I told him what you told me!
Well, don't let it happen again--and don't tell him I told you he told me.
Skittles
Yo mama so fat when she sat on a rainbow skittles came out!
Library Blonde
A blonde walked in a library and went to the librarian, pulls out a thick book and started screaming at her.
She yells, "THIS BOOK IS HORRIBLE! THERE ARE TOO MANY CHARACTERS AND NO PLOT WHATSOEVER!"
The librarian stares at her, then calmly replies, "So you're the one who took our phone book."
Actual Headline#2
An actual headline: "Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers"
Trying on Shoes
A man goes into a shoe store and asks to try on a pair of shoes. They were a bit snug.
"Well, they feel a bit tight," says the man.
The salesman bends down and feels around. He suggests pulling the tongue out, then asks, "How do they feel now?"
"Well, dey shtill feel a bit thight"
The Lingerie
Looking in the mall for a nightgown, I tried my luck in a store known for its sexy lingerie. To my delight, however, I found just what I was looking for. Waiting in the line to pay, I noticed a young woman behind me holding the same item. This confirmed what I suspected all along: despite being over 50, I still have a very "with it" attitude.
"I see we have the same taste," I said proudly to the 20- something behind me.
"Yes," she replied. "I'm getting this for my grandmother."
If Only Men Would Listen
A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other the woman leans out the window and yells, "PIG!!"
The man immediately leans out his window and replies,
"BITCH!!"
They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.
Dummy E-mail
How do you know if a dummy has been sending e-mail?
You see a bunch of envelopes stuffed into the disk drive.
Braincells
How do a blond's braincells die?
Alone.
Blonde Driving
A blonde was swerving all over the road, driving very badly, so she got pulled over by a cop.
The cop walked up to her window and asked, "Miss, why are you driving so recklessly?"
The blonde said, "I'm sorry sir, but wherever I go, there's always a tree in front of me and I can't seem to get away from it!"
The cop looked at her and said, "Lady, that's your air freshener."
Fire!
Two blondes realize that their apartment is on fire and go out onto the balcony.
"Help, help!" yelled one of the blondes.
"Help us, help us!" yelled the other.
"Maybe it would help if we yelled together," said the first blonde.
"Good idea," said the other.
"Together, together!" they yelled.
Skiing
Did you hear about the blonde who got a pair of
waterskis?
She's still looking for a lake with a slope!!
Steering Wheel
What do you call a blonde behind a steering wheel?
An Air-Bag
Tarzan Swings
Tarzan swings through the air
Tarzan loses his underwear
Tarzan says "Me no care,
Jane make me another pair."
Boy swings through the air
Boy loses his underwear
Boy says "Me no care,
Jane make me another pair."
Cheetah swings through the air
Cheetah loses his underwear
Cheetah says "Me no care,
Jane make me another pair."
Jane swings through the air
Jane loses her underwear
Jane says "Me no care,
Tarzan like me better bare!"
Kool-Aid
Why do blondes hate making Kool-aid?
They can't fit the 8 cups of water in the
envelope!
99 Blonds and 1 Brunette
There are 99 Blonds on a plane and 1 Brunette. The captain radios in that they are going down, So they drop all the luggage. They were still going down so they drop out all the chairs. They were still going down so they dropped the floor. So they are hanging by their hands from the top on the plane with no floor. So the captain say's "1 person jump out" the Brunette say's "I'll sacrifice my life", and all the Blonds start clapping.