Chain Link Fence
Why do blondes climb chain-link fences?
To see what's on the other side.
Technology
Have you tried turning it off and on again? The best modern tech support humor.
Blonde on the Road
A blonde is on the road when suddenly she gets a phonecall from her friend: "Watch out! I heard on the radio that some lunatic is going against traffic!" So the blonde says, "Only one? They all are!"
3 Couples...
Three couples went to a resturant. The women wanted to compliment the men with something that was on the table.
"Could you pass me the sugar, sugar?" said the first gal.
"Could you pass me the honey, honey?" said the second.
"Could you pass me the bacon, pig?" said the third.
Offspring
What do you get when you breed a blonde and a New York gangster?
A juvenile deliquent who spray paints chain link fences.
Bill at a Baseball Game
Bill and Hillary are at the first baseball game of the season. The umpire walks up to the VIP section and yells something, suddenly Clinton grabs Hillary by the collar and throws her over the side and onto the field. The stunned umpired shouts.
"No, Mr. President! I said, 'Throw the first PITCH!'"
Believer
"Please, God," the man prayed, "you know me. I'm always praying to you, yet I've had nothing but bad luck, misery and despair. Look at the butcher next door. He's never prayed in his life, and he enjoys prosperity, health and happiness. How come a believer like me is always in trouble, and he's always doing so well?"
"Because," a voice boomed from the heavens, "the butcher doesn't bug me, that's why!"
Pregnant
What two things in the air can make a blonde pregnant?
Her Legs
Early Aviation
From the instruction manual for the first stewardesses (in 1930):
Keep the clock and altimeter wound up.
Carry a railroad timetable in case the plane is grounded.
Warn the passengers against throwing their cigars and cigarettes out the windows.
Keep an eye on passengers when they go to the lavatory to be sure they don't mistakenly go out the emergency exit.
At The Airport
Two women were sitting beside each other in the airport.
"Where are you flying to?", the woman on the right asked.
With an attitude, the other replied "You should never end a sentece with the word 'to'".
"Ok", said the woman on the right. "Where are you flying to, bitch?"
I'm Dreaming
A man went to a psychiatrist and explained his problem. "Two weeks ago I had a dream that I was a tippee. Then, the next day, I dreamt I was a wigwam. In my next dream, I was a teepee again, and this has been happening the whole too weeks! What's wrong with me, Doc?".
"It's simple. You're just two tents".
Cappuccino Buzz
I had four cappuccinos at one time. I was bouncing off the walls. Good thing they were padded.
Metric System
Darn those pushy metric system advocates!
Give them 2.54 cm., and they'll take 1.6093 km!
Hardest Word
3 people were asked to find the "hardest" word in the dictionary. One person found the word "happiness". One person found the word"photosynthesis". The last person found the word "dick".
What Do Railroad Tracks...
What do railroad tracks and blondes have in common?
They are both laid all over America!
Hunted
Bob and Bo are hunting. Bob had a sever case of diarrhea so he decided to stay and rest up. Bo goes out and kills a big deer and guts it. He then thinks it would be funny if he laid the deers guts in Bob's sleeping bag so he does and goes to sleep. Then he wakes up the next morning and see's that Bob and the guts are gone. Then he notices Bob and asks how's he feeling. Bob says, "My diarrhea was so bad I crapped my guts out but with God's grace and these two fingers I got them all back in."
Internet
What's the difference between a blonde and the internet?
Not everyone has been on the internet!
How Do You Fit...
How do you fit 4 gay guys on a chair?
Turn it upside down!
Two Men Camping
2 men were out camping. At about 3:00 one man had to go to the bathroom. There were no toilets around and the men had no toilet paper! The man took a crap in the forest, but then had noting to wipe his butt with. He asked his friend what to do, and his friends said to wipe his butt with a 1 dollar bill. 5 minutes later the man came back with crap all over his hands. The friend asked what happened and the man said, "I didn't have a 1 dollar bill, so I used 4 quarters!"
Midgets
What is grosser than gross?
When a midget walks by and says your hair smells nice!
Pumpkin
What is the name for a bandaid on a pumpkin?
A pumpkin patch!
T.G.I.F
A Blonde is getting on an elevator and meets a gentleman on
board.
"T.G.I.F." she says.
"S.H.I.T" was his reply.
Puzzled she replied "T.G.I.F"
The gentleman was getting a little disturbed the the remark, so
he says again. "S.H.I.T.".
The Blonde leans over and whispers "THANK GOD IT'S FRIDAY".
The gentleman responses with "SORRY, HONEY IT'S THURSDAY".
Rainy Day
How do you keep a blonde busy on a rainy day?
Tell her to touch the rainbow.
TP Usage
A man and his friend are out camping and the first one needs to go to the bathroom and they have no toliet paper so he asks his friend what to do. His friend says just wipe it with your hand and smack it on a rock. So the man does so and smacks his hand on a rock and it hurts him really bad, so to reduce the pain he sucks on his hand.
Buried at Sea
Did you hear about the sailor who died, and wanted to be buried at sea by his 5 blonde daughters?
His daughters all drowned digging the grave.