Computer vs. Air Conditioner
How is a computer like an air conditioner?
When you open Windows it won't work!
Technology
Have you tried turning it off and on again? The best modern tech support humor.
Dummy E-mail
How do you know if a dummy has been sending e-mail?
You see a bunch of envelopes stuffed into the disk drive.
Metric System
Darn those pushy metric system advocates!
Give them 2.54 cm., and they'll take 1.6093 km!
Pick-up Lines For Computer Geeks
- Nice Set of Floppies!
- Hey, how 'bout I take off your cover and insert a bigger CPU.
- I'd like to play on your laptop.
- Need me to unzip your files?
- If you were an ISP, I'd dial you all day long!
- I'd like to boot up your PC!
- I'll bet my hard drive is the biggest you've ever seen!
- I've got a 21 inch... (monitor)
- I'd get a T3 to watch your streaming video...
- Your homepage or mine?
Great Writer
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
Spell Checker
I half a spelling checker,
It came with my pea sea;
It plainly marks four my revue,
Mistakes I kin not sea.
I've run this poem threw it,
I'm sure your please two no,
Its letter perfect in it's weigh,
My checker tolled me sew.
Online Banking
Eager to make full use of my new computer's capabilities, I asked a customer-service representative at my bank whether it offered on-line banking.
"Certainly," she stated matter-of-factly, pointing to a crowd of people near the tellers. "The line starts over there."
Computer Lab
My friend was on duty in the main computer lab on a quiet afternoon he noticed a young woman sitting in front of one of the workstations with her arms crossed across her chest, staring at the screen.
After about 15 minutes he noticed that she was still in the same position, only now she was impatiently tapping her foot.
Finally, he approached her and asked if she needed help. She replied, "It's about time! I pressed the F1 button over twenty minutes ago!"
Computer--Britney
My computer is like Britney Spears; cheap, white, and plastic.
Computer Pops
How do you know, your computer hates you?
When it grows and pop ups.
Geek?
How do you know that you're a computer geek?
You catch a computer virus and take a virus scanning pill every week.
Robot's Food?
What is a robot's favorite food?
Nuts and bolts!
What Do You Get?
Q. What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a computer?
A. A lot of Bytes!!!
Lol
It's pretty bad if you start typing "lol" as if it were a sentence (Lol.)
Its worse if you start saying, "laugh out loud" in everday conversations.
It's absolutely horrible if you actually say, "l-o-l."
Greatest Invention
Scientists gathered three musicians together and asked them to name the greatest invention of the 20th century. The guitarist said the "wah-wah pedal" was the greatest invention.
After that, they asked the drummer and he said the "bass pedal" was the greatest invention.
Then finally, when asking the bass player, he said the "Stanley thermos" was the greatest invention.
Confused, they asked him how he figured that, and he said:
"Hot or cold how does it know, HOW DOES IT KNOW!?!?!?!"
Submarine
The new Ensign was assigned to subs, where he'd dreamed of working since a young boy.
He was trying to impress the Master Chief with his expertise learned in Submarine School.
The Master Chief cut him off quickly and said, "Listen, 'sir', it's real simple. Add the number of times we dive to the number of times we surface. Divide that number by two. If the result doesn't come out even, don't open the hatch."
Einstein and Newton
What is the similarity between Einstein and Newton?
Neither of them ever had a mobile phone!
Roses are Red, Violets are Blue...
Roses are red, violets are blue, If I can use technology, why can't you?
The sky is blue, the grass is green, why is your brain as small as a lima bean?
Your humorous, funny, have OCD, How come you can't use technology without me?
I love you, I love you, I really do, but roses are red and violets are blue.
Answering Machine Message 214
I'm only here in spirit at the moment, but if you'll leave your name and number, I will get back to you as soon as I'm here in person.
Yesterday For IT People
Yesterday,
All those backups seemed a waste of pay.
Now my database has gone away.
Oh I believe in yesterday.
Suddenly,
There's not half the files there used to be,
And there's a milestone hanging over me
The system crashed so suddenly.
I pushed something wrong
What it was I could not say.
Now all my data's gone
and I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay.
Yesterday,
The need for back-ups seemed so far away.
I knew my data was all here to stay,
Now I believe in yesterday.
Google Trick
This was set up by Google as a joke. Enjoy!
Please do the following:
1. Open Google.
2. Type, "french military victories".
3. Click: I'm Feeling Lucky.
4. Enjoy!
Another Google Trick
This was set up by Google. Enjoy!
Please do the following:
1. Open Google.
2. Type "failure".
3. Click: I'm Feeling Lucky.
4. Enjoy!
One of Those Days
Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month - a short in the homeowner's newly installed fire prevention alarm system. "This is even worse than last year," said the distraught homeowner, "when someone broke in and stole my new security system..."
I'm Telling You . . . .
"Everything that can be invented has been invented." - Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899.