Cow With No Legs
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground Beef!
Animals
From talking dogs to confused ducks, explore our hilarious wildlife jokes.
Jumping Cow
What do you call a cow jumping over a barbed wire fence?
Utter destruction.
White Horse
A white horse walked into a bar. The barman saw him and said, "We have a whiskey named after you!"
The horse looked puzzled and said, "What, Eric?"
Two Legs
Q What has two legs, and bleeds?
A Half a dog!
Polish Wolf
Did you hear the one about the Polish wolf?
He chewed off three legs and was still caught in the trap.
Termit
A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Is the bartender here?"
Two Cows
Two cows were standing next to each other in a field.
Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," said Dolly.
"It's true, straight up, no bull!"
Concrete Wall
Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says "Dam".
The Deer
What do you call a blind deer?
No idea (no eye deer.)
What do you call a blind deer with no legs?
Still no idea! (not moving [still] no eye deer)
Birdy
2 blondes are walking in the park and the 1st blonde says, "LOOK! Dead bird!"
The 2nd blonde looks up into the sky and yells "Where?!"
I Know
I know the day I gave up exercise. You wanna know? Check my birth certificate.
Horse
A horse walked into a bar.
The barman said,
"Why the long face?"
Charging Rhino
How do you keep a Rhino from charging?
Take away its credit card.
Fish says, "Duuuuude!"
Q: What does a fish use to get high?
A: Seaweed!
Thanksgiving
Just before Thanksgiving, the holding pen was abuzz as Mother Turkey scolded the younger birds.
"You turkeys are always into mischief," she gobbled. "If your grandfather could see the things you do, he'd turn over in his gravy."
Fish
Q. Why do young blondes carry goldfish in their
pockets?
A. So they can smell like old blondes.
Rover
To the tune of "I'm Looking Over a Four Leaf Clover":
I'm looking over my dead dog Rover
That I ran over with the power mower
One leg is missing, another is gone
The third leg is scattered all over the lawn
No need explainin' the one remainin'
Is under the car port door
I'm looking over my dead dog Rover
That I overlooked before!
Quack Quack
Duck #1: Quack
Duck #2: Quack
Duck #3: Quack Quack
Duck #1 takes out a gun and shoots Duck #3.
Duck #2: "Why did you shoot him?"
Duck #1: "He knew too much."
Little Red Riding Hood
One day Little Red Riding Hood was walking in the woods. She put her head between some bushes and suddenly she sees the wolf with his eyes wide open and red.
She asks him, "Why are your eyes so big, wolf?"
The wolf answers, "Shut up and let me shit in peace!"
Elephants & Ducks
Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stamp out fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stamp out burning ducks.
Animal Crackers
A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries. The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table.
"What are you doin?" his mother asked; "you can't eat them if the seal is broken."
The boy explained, "I'm looking for the seal."
Chicken
A waiter asks a man, "May I take your order, sir?"
"Yes," the man replies. "I'm just wondering, exactly how do you prepare your chickens?"
"Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they're going to die."
The Ugliest Baby
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"
The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off; go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."
You Are....
You are so stupid you tripped over a cordless phone!
You are so stupid you got locked in a furniture store and sat on the floor!
You are so stupid you didn't know how to swim so you got in the fish tank to try and learn!