The ultimate premium-curated joke collection
From talking dogs to confused ducks, explore our hilarious wildlife jokes.
Tonto and the Lone Ranger were lost on the prairie one day. The Lone Ranger says to Tonto, "Use your Indian instincts and get us out of this mess."
Tonto bends down and puts his ear to the ground. He turns and says to the Lone Ranger, "Buffalo come."
The Lone Ranger says to Tonto, "How do you know?"
Tonto says, "Ear sticky."
Why don't blind people sky dive?
Because it scares the crap outta the dog.
Q: Where do cows go on Saturday nights?
A: To the moovies
Two Vampire bats are in a cave, both very hungry. The first bat goes out looking for some food. He comes back later with nothing.
The second bat tries not long afterwords. 5 minutes later he returns, blood all over his face!
"Wow!" said the first bat "You must've had a big meal, where did you get that?"
"Well, can you see that large redwood over there?"
"Yes" replies the first bat.
"Well I bloody well didn't."
Did you hear about the scientists who crossed a porcupine with a sheep? They got an animal that knits its own sweaters.
How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?
Through a catalogue!!
A local psychic hotline opened up a new number especially for frogs, called "The Psychic Frog-line." A frog called, wanting to know his future.
"You will meet a beautiful young girl," predicted the psychic.
"This is great!" said the frog. "Where will I meet her? At a party? At the pond?"
"No," replied the psychic. "Next semester in a biology class."
A cat's dictionary.
Purring: Sound of a cat manufacturing cuteness.
Purrverse: Poem about a strange kitty.
Purranoia: The fear that your cat is up to something.
Human Being: Automatic door opener for cats.
Purrpetual: Everlasting love for domesticated felines.
Purrson: A male kitty.
Purrpetual motion: A kitty playing.
If it sounds like a duck, has a beak like a duck and feet like a duck, and swims like a duck, you still better make sure that it ain't a platypus!
You're so stupid, you tried to kill a bird by throwing it off a cliff.
Your so stupid you tried to kill a fish by drowning it!
A hunter visited another hunter and was given a tour of his home. In the den was a stuffed lion.
The visiting hunter asked, "When did you bag him?"
The host said, "That was three years ago, when I went hunting with my wife."
"What's he stuffed with?" asked the visiting hunter, and the host said, "My wife."
Two cows were talking in the field. One cow says, "Have you heard about the Mad Cow disease that's going around?"
The other cow answers, "Yeah, makes you glad we're penguins, doesn't it?"
What is the difference between a BMW & a porcupine?
A porcupine has pricks on the outside.
Q: What's invisible and smells like carrots?
A: Bunny farts!
Crime and Punishment by Laura Norda
The Use of Natural Fertilizers; by G.G. Dunnit
The Way to Quick Riches; by Robbin Banks
Holidays in Britain; by A. Pauline Whetha
Contagious Diseases; by Willie Catchit
Driving Through Germany; by Otto Mobile
Broken Window; by Eva Brick
Monsters; by Frank N. Stein
Cliff Tragedy; by Eileen Dover
Even More to come, i promise!!!!
As an architect watched a mechanic remove engine parts from his car, a surgeon, waiting for his own car to be repaired, walked over. They introduced themselves, and began talking about their lines of work.
"You know," said the architect, "I sometimes believe a mechanic's work is as complicated as the work that we do."
"Perhaps," the surgeon commented. "But let's see him do it with the engine running."
How do you know that carrots are good for your eyesight?
Have YOU ever seen a rabbit with glasses?
A man called the gorilla exterminator because a gorilla was in the tree in his front yand. When the exterminator came he had a gun, a stick, and a dog. He explained that he would climb the tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until it falls from the tree.
"Then my dog will bite his testicles off."
The guy suspiciously asked, "What is the gun for?"
The exterminator replied, "If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla, then you shoot the dog."
A man noted for his tact was awakened one morning at four o'clock by his ringing telephone. "Your dog's barking, and it's keeping me awake," said an irate voice. The man thanked his caller and politely asked his name before hanging up.
The next morning at four o'clock, he called his neighbour back. "Sir," he said, "I don't have a dog."
There were three blondes in the forest and they saw some tracks.
The first blonde said, "Look, bear tracks."
The second blonde said, "No, stupid, those are wolf tracks."
The third blonde said, "You're both wrong, those are rabbit tracks."
Then the train came and ran them all over.
Police officer: "Excuse me, but your dog has been chasing a man on his bicycle".
Dog owner: "Are you crazy? My dog can't even ride a bicycle".
Q: What is the definition of a sick bird?
A: Illegal
A panda walks into a bar and eats lunch. When he is finished he shoots the waiter and leaves.
The owner ran after the panda and asked him why he did such and thing. The panda replied, "Look up the word 'panda' in the dictionary."
The owner did so and it read, "Panadas are black and white animals. They eat shoots and leaves."