Cow With No Legs
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground Beef!
Animals
From talking dogs to confused ducks, explore our hilarious wildlife jokes.
Jumping Cow
What do you call a cow jumping over a barbed wire fence?
Utter destruction.
Two Legs
Q What has two legs, and bleeds?
A Half a dog!
Polish Wolf
Did you hear the one about the Polish wolf?
He chewed off three legs and was still caught in the trap.
Termit
A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Is the bartender here?"
Two Cows
Two cows were standing next to each other in a field.
Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," said Dolly.
"It's true, straight up, no bull!"
Concrete Wall
Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says "Dam".
The Deer
What do you call a blind deer?
No idea (no eye deer.)
What do you call a blind deer with no legs?
Still no idea! (not moving [still] no eye deer)
Birdy
2 blondes are walking in the park and the 1st blonde says, "LOOK! Dead bird!"
The 2nd blonde looks up into the sky and yells "Where?!"
Horse
A horse walked into a bar.
The barman said,
"Why the long face?"
Charging Rhino
How do you keep a Rhino from charging?
Take away its credit card.
Three Men and Dogs
Three men, a French, Chinese, and American, decided to have a contest. They wanted to see whose dog could go the longest without going to the bathroom. The Chinese man won after a few hours. A news reporter asked him how he acheived such a feat. He replied, in a rather sing-song way, "Me Chinese, me no dumb, me stick rock up doggie's bum!"
Fish says, "Duuuuude!"
Q: What does a fish use to get high?
A: Seaweed!
Thanksgiving
Just before Thanksgiving, the holding pen was abuzz as Mother Turkey scolded the younger birds.
"You turkeys are always into mischief," she gobbled. "If your grandfather could see the things you do, he'd turn over in his gravy."
Rover
To the tune of "I'm Looking Over a Four Leaf Clover":
I'm looking over my dead dog Rover
That I ran over with the power mower
One leg is missing, another is gone
The third leg is scattered all over the lawn
No need explainin' the one remainin'
Is under the car port door
I'm looking over my dead dog Rover
That I overlooked before!
Quack Quack
Duck #1: Quack
Duck #2: Quack
Duck #3: Quack Quack
Duck #1 takes out a gun and shoots Duck #3.
Duck #2: "Why did you shoot him?"
Duck #1: "He knew too much."
Little Red Riding Hood
One day Little Red Riding Hood was walking in the woods. She put her head between some bushes and suddenly she sees the wolf with his eyes wide open and red.
She asks him, "Why are your eyes so big, wolf?"
The wolf answers, "Shut up and let me shit in peace!"
Elephants & Ducks
Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stamp out fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stamp out burning ducks.
Animal Crackers
A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries. The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table.
"What are you doin?" his mother asked; "you can't eat them if the seal is broken."
The boy explained, "I'm looking for the seal."
Chicken
A waiter asks a man, "May I take your order, sir?"
"Yes," the man replies. "I'm just wondering, exactly how do you prepare your chickens?"
"Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they're going to die."
Lone Ranger
Tonto and the Lone Ranger were lost on the prairie one day. The Lone Ranger says to Tonto, "Use your Indian instincts and get us out of this mess."
Tonto bends down and puts his ear to the ground. He turns and says to the Lone Ranger, "Buffalo come."
The Lone Ranger says to Tonto, "How do you know?"
Tonto says, "Ear sticky."
Blind Sky Diving
Why don't blind people sky dive?
Because it scares the crap outta the dog.
Cows Night Out
Q: Where do cows go on Saturday nights?
A: To the moovies
Hungry Bats
Two Vampire bats are in a cave, both very hungry. The first bat goes out looking for some food. He comes back later with nothing.
The second bat tries not long afterwords. 5 minutes later he returns, blood all over his face!
"Wow!" said the first bat "You must've had a big meal, where did you get that?"
"Well, can you see that large redwood over there?"
"Yes" replies the first bat.
"Well I bloody well didn't."