One-Eyed Blonde
Two blondes are walking down the road when one says 'Look at that dog with one eye!'
The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says 'Where?'
Animals
From talking dogs to confused ducks, explore our hilarious wildlife jokes.
Two Drunks
Two drunks get thrown out of the bar and are walking down the street when they come across this dog, sitting on the curb, licking his balls.
They stand there watching and after a while one of them says, "I sure wish I could do that!"
The other one looks at him and says, "Well, I think I'd pet him first."
This is Meant to be Funny in a Stupid Way
Where does Superman's goldfish live ?
In the superbowl....
This is Meant to be Funny in a Stupid Way Again
Where does Batman's goldfish live ?
In the BAT-TUB!! ahahaha...
Fly
What do you call a fly without wings?
A walk.
Scotland vs. Rock
What's the difference between a Scot and Mick Jagger?
Mick Jagger sang "Hey, you, get offa my cloud."
The Scot says "Hey, McCloud, get offa my ewe."
What do you call.....
What do you call a pig who knows karate?
A Pork-Chop!
Horseback riding
Joe: Hi Jack. How did you like horseback riding?
Jack: Not that much. The problem was that the horse was too polite.
Joe: Polite?
Jack: Yep. When we reached the fence he let me go over first.
New Sex Study
It has been determined.
The most used sexual position for married couples is a doggie position.
The husband sits and begs.
The wife rolls over and plays dead.
Before Hunting
What does the lion say to his friends before they go out hunting for food?
"Let us prey."
Suicide
A blonde decided to commit suicide by hanging herself from a tree in the park.
A few days later, a man was walking his dog and spotted her hanging from the tree. He asks the blonde what she is doing and she replies, "I'm hanging myself."
"You're supposed to put the noose around your neck, not your waist," said the onlooker. "I tried that," replied the blonde, "but I couldn't breathe."
Still Horse
I found a way to make a horse stand perfectly still. Place a bet on him.
Strange name for Cats
One day there was a woman who lost her cat named "LOVE." It was pretty dark outside and she lived in New York. So, thinking that he might be down the street, she put on her house-coat and went looking for him.
When a police officer stopped to ask what she was doing, she said very honestly, "I'm looking for LOVE." The policeman arrested her on the spot.
Playground
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide!
The Old Proverb
"Don't be afraid of the dog," said the lady to young Johnny, who was delivering her groceries.
"You know the old proverb, 'A barking dog never bites?'"
"Yes," replied young Johnny. "You know the proverb. I know the proverb. But does your dog know the proverb?"
An idiot and Cows
Guy1: Thats a bunch of cows.
Farmer: No, a herd.
Guy1: Of course I've heard of cows.
Farmer:.No, I mean the cow herd
Guy1: I have no secrets from cows
How do you know?
Q. How do you know when you're REALLY ugly?
A. Your dog humps your leg with his eyes closed
Animal
Q. What animal talks the most?
A. The yak.
Signs and Notices
These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations across the United States and rest of the world.
Sign on a repair shop door: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)
Sign at Norfolk farm gate: BEWARE! I SHOOT EVERY TENTH TRESPASSER AND THE NINTH ONE HAS JUST LEFT
Seen during a conference: FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR
Gorilla
Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers!!!
Educational System
You know something is wrong with today's educational system when you figure out that of the three R's, reading, writing, and arithmetic, only one actually starts with an R.
Government's job?
What exactly does the government do?
They seem to complicate all the simple things while trying to do the opposite.
You Might Be A Redneck If...
1.Your richest relative buys an "expensive" house and you have to help take the wheels off of it.
2.You refer to the sixth grade as graduation.
3.Your wife's new hairdo gets destroyed by the ceiling fan.
4.Your front porch collapses and hurts more than three dogs.
The Cat Who Could
One day a cat comes walking by meowing, "I can't do anything right." So he keeps on pouting and somebody comes up to him and says, "Why are you crying?" "Because I can't do anything right." So the guy helps the cat and a day later the cat could do anything right so he goes to the litter box and misses the box by an inch.