The ultimate premium-curated joke collection
From talking dogs to confused ducks, explore our hilarious wildlife jokes.
Acquaintance: A person you know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to.
Bachelor: A guy who gets to keep all his take-home pay.
Pedestrian: A father who has teenagers who can drive.
Honesty: The fear of being caught.
Zebra: A horse prisoner.
Guy1: Thats a bunch of cows.
Farmer: No, a herd.
Guy1: Of course I've heard of cows.
Farmer:.No, I mean the cow herd
Guy1: I have no secrets from cows
Q. How do you know when you're REALLY ugly?
A. Your dog humps your leg with his eyes closed
Q: What is the difference between a fish and a piano ?
A: You can't tuna fish.
Q. What animal talks the most?
A. The yak.
Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant and some peanut butter?
A: Either an elephant that sticks to the roof of your mouth, or peanut butter that never forgets.
These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations across the United States and rest of the world.
Sign on a repair shop door: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)
Sign at Norfolk farm gate: BEWARE! I SHOOT EVERY TENTH TRESPASSER AND THE NINTH ONE HAS JUST LEFT
Seen during a conference: FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR
Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers!!!
You know something is wrong with today's educational system when you figure out that of the three R's, reading, writing, and arithmetic, only one actually starts with an R.
What exactly does the government do?
They seem to complicate all the simple things while trying to do the opposite.
1.Your richest relative buys an "expensive" house and you have to help take the wheels off of it.
2.You refer to the sixth grade as graduation.
3.Your wife's new hairdo gets destroyed by the ceiling fan.
4.Your front porch collapses and hurts more than three dogs.
One day a cat comes walking by meowing, "I can't do anything right." So he keeps on pouting and somebody comes up to him and says, "Why are you crying?" "Because I can't do anything right." So the guy helps the cat and a day later the cat could do anything right so he goes to the litter box and misses the box by an inch.
A man walks into a pet store and asks for a German shepperd. The shopkeeper, replies that it will cost him $500. The man thinks for a minute, then asks how much a beware of dog sign costs. The shopkeeper calmly replies that it costs a whopping $1.98. The man thinks for a while longer, and asks for a beware of dog sign.
Zack and his mule were walking down the road when one of Zack's friends drove up and offered him a ride to town. Zack got into the truck while his mule ran along behind. The mule was right in back of them as they reached 55, and stayed with them as they sped up to 70.
"I'm worried about your mule," said the driver, "his tongue's hanging out."
"Which way?" asked Zack.
"Left," his friend said.
"Well, stay in this lane - he's about to pass." shouted Zack.
Teacher: "Why does an elephant have a trunk?"
Student: "Because it doesn't have a glove compartment!"
A mother and a daughter are shopping in the mall, when the mother eyes an expensive fur coat. "This year," she says, "I think that I will buy my present instead of making you and dad shop for me." The daughter protests, "But mom, some helpless, poor creature has to suffer so that you can have this."
"Don't worry honey," says the mother, "your father won't get the bill for a couple of weeks."
A local church built a new sanctuary. They moved their very fine old pipe organ from to the new sanctuary. It was an intricate task that was completed successfully.
The local news heralded, . . .
"St. Paul Completes Organ Transplant."
Tom, the fisherman, wrote the following to a mail order catalogue, "Please send me one of those gasoline engines for my boat you show on page 438, and if it's any good, I'll send you a check."
A few days later, Tom received the following reply, "Please send check. If it's any good, we'll send the engine."
#1 rule of a redneck-
If duck tape don't fix it (doubt it), mount it on the wall instead.
Your so ugly you remind me of an elephants bottom.
See if you can do this: Read each line aloud
This is this cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is a cat
This is dumbass cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat
Now go back and read the THIRD word in each line from the top.
I cannot see,
I cannot pee;
I cannot chew,
I cannot screw;
Oh, my God, what can I do?
My memory shrinks,
My hearing stinks,
No sense of smell -
I look like hell
My mood is bad - can you tell?
My body's drooping,
Have trouble pooping;
The Golden Years have come at last -
The Golden years can kiss my ass
When White man found this land, Indians were running it.
No Taxes...
No Debt...
Plenty Buffalo...
Plenty beaver!
Women did most (all) of the work.
Medicine Man free!
Indian men hunted and fished all the time!
Only White man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that
BLONDE woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.
She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?"
The clerk says, "What denomination?"
The woman says, "God help us. Has it come to this? Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists.