The ultimate premium-curated joke collection
From talking dogs to confused ducks, explore our hilarious wildlife jokes.
Any time the alarm goes off after-hours at the municipal office where I work, the security company calls me at home and I have to go back and reset it.
Late at night I got one of those calls. As I was getting ready to head out the door, my husband groggily said: "You're not going down there by yourself at this hour."
Just as I was thinking: "How thoughtful of him", he added, "Better take the dog with you."
This is the epitaph on the gravestone of an army mule:
Here lies Maggie, who in her time kicked two colonels, four majors, ten captains, twenty-four lieutenants, forty-two sergeants, four hundred eighty-six privates, and one bomb.
One day Jim, a duck, was swimming in a pond when he came up to another duck and asked "What are doing?" "Blowing bubbles," she replied. Jim met 3 more ducks and they all said the same thing. When Jim came up to a 5th duck he said "Let me guess, you're blowing bubbles?" "No," said the duck, "I am Bubbles!"
If there are 12 cats on a fence and 1 cat jumps off, how many are left?
None, they're all copycats!
Three ants went to the beach to swim.
Two jumped directly in the water.
The other went back home and after an hour returned.
Why?
She forgot her swimming suit!!
How do you titillate an ocelot?
Oscillate its tit a lot!
A teacher asked his student:
Give me an example of 6 animals.
The student:
3 Lions, 2 Tigers , and 1 Cheetah !
Q. Have you heard of the dyslexic cow who attained enlightenment?
A. It kept on repeating OOOOMMM!
Q. Why should you be careful when it's raining cats and dogs?
A. Because you might step in a poodle.
A blonde walked into the pet store and, after looking up and down the aisles, asked the sales clerk for help.
"I'd like a box of birdseed," said the lady.
"For which kind of bird?" he asked helpfully.
"Oh, I dunno," she replied. "Whichever will grow the fastest."
While shopping at the grocery store, I noticed that the tuna packed in spring water was labeled dolphin safe, but the tuna packed in oil was not.
I mentioned this fact to the blonde cashier and mused out loud, "I wonder why?"
The blonde replied, "Must be because the oil would suffocate them."
Why don't crabs share?
Because there shelfish!
How many roaches does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
You'll never know because when you turn on the light, they scatter!
What does the turtle do in the Olympics?
The hurdle run!
Why did the elephant call the locksmith? Because he lost his keys in his trunk!
How do turtles talk to each other?
Shellphones!
How do you get a mouse to smile?
Say Cheese!
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold!
What did the cat say to the other cat on the phone?
Can you hear me-ow?
Which sea will make you go ape?
The Chimpansea.
What do you call a horse that escaped from jail?
A Zebra.
What is a cat's favourite exercise?
Puss-Ups!
What do you get when you cross a fish and a grizzly?
A Bearacuda.
Cows
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington, and they can track her calves to their stalls.
But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give them all a cow.