Bored Cow
What does a cow do for entertainment?
Listen to moo-sic.
Animals
From talking dogs to confused ducks, explore our hilarious wildlife jokes.
Skunk
What do you call a flying skunk?
A smell-icopter
What Do You Get?
What do you get when you cross an elephant with Darth Vador?
An elevator
Man's Best Friend
A dog is a man's best friend because it gives no advice, never tries to borrow money, and has no in-laws.
Frog #1
Q: Why are frogs so happy?
A: They eat whatever bugs them!
FROGS
Q:What happens when two frogs collide?
A: They get tongue tied
Q: How does a frog feel when he has a broken leg?
A: Unhoppy
Q: What happens when you mix a frog with a bathtub scrubby-mit?
A: A rubbit
Q: Why did the frog read Sherlock Holmes?
A: He liked a good croak and dagger
Q: What happened to the frog's car when his parking permit expired?
A: It got toad
Duck Hunting
Two blondes decide to go duck hunting. Neither one has ever been before, but they decide to go anyway. They take a couple of guns and a hunting dog and head out into the woods. A few hours later, they still haven't caught anything.
"I don't get it," says the first blonde. "Why haven't we caught anything yet?"
The second blonde says,"I keep telling you, I just don't think we're throwing the dog high enough."
Fish
What do you call a horny fish?
A blowfish
Drinks
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all go to a bar.
The redhead walks up to the bartender and says,"I'll have a BL." So the bartender gives her a Bud Light.
The brunette walks up next and says,"I'll have an ML." So the bartender gives her a Miller Light.
The blonde is catchingon so she goes up to the bartender and says,"I'll have a 15."
The bartender thinks about it, looks around, and says,"Ok, you stumped me. What's a 15?"
The blonde goes,"Duh! 7 and 7."
Dirt, Dirt, and More Dirt!
Earth Worm: Oh, I wish that darn evil Mister Barney hadn't chopped my brother into two sections!
Other Earth Worm: Why?
Earth Worm: Because, now I have two half brothers!
More Dirt!!
What is it called when an insect kills themself?
Pesticide!
An Orangutan's Reading List
One day the zoo-keeper noticed that the orangutan was reading two books: the Bible and Darwin's Origin of Species. Surprised, he asked the ape, "Why are you reading both those books?"
"Well," said the orangutan, "I just wanted to know if I was my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother."
Crabs
A lonely female crab was walking down the beach one evening when she noticed a male crab coming toward herâbut he was walking straight and not sideways!
Impressed by his talent, she decided to marry him immediately.
The next morning she noticed him walking sideways like any ordinary crab! She asked, "What happened? Yesterday you were able to walk straight!"
He answered "What?! I can't get that drunk every day!".
Interview
A man went to apply for a job. After filling out all of his applications, he
waited anxiously for the outcome. The employer read all his applications and
said, "We have an opening for people like you." "Oh, great," he said, "What is
it?" "It's called the door!"
Why Must We Learn This?
One day our professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept. A pre-med student rudely interrupted to ask, "Why do we have to learn this pointless information?"
"To save lives," the professor responded quickly and continued the lecture.
A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again. "So how does physics save lives?" he persisted.
"It keeps the ignoramuses like you out of medical school," replied the professor.
Centipedes
What goes 99-clump, 99-clump, 99-clump?
A centipede with a wooden leg.
Paper-Eating Dog
A minister delivered a sermon in 10 minutes one Sunday morning, which was about half the usual length of his sermons. He explained, "I regret to inform you that my dog, who is very fond of eating paper, ate that portion of my sermon which I was unable to deliver this morning."
After the service, a visitor from another church shook hands with the preacher and said, "Reverend, if that dog of yours has any pups, I want to give one to my minister."
Woodpecker
What do you call a woodpecker without a beak?
A headbanger.
A Survey
Recently, Today Tonight have held a survey. The results indicate that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the population.
Edited Lyric to 'Complicated'
I'm not against Avril Lavigne or anything, I like her, but I heard this, and it was pretty funny. This is the changed lyric to the chorus of Complicated:
"Why'd you have to go and make me so constipated?
You see the way I'm scrunching up my pitiful face when I'm on the toilet,
And during this I -
I push, and I strain, and I sweat, and I pray, Dear Lord, that you'll let it come out;
Sooner or later I'll have to leave the bathroom,
Yeah, yeah, yeah..."
You Might be a Redneck If...
You might be a redneck if you list your dog or cat as a dependent on your taxes.
You might be a redneck if you have never been on a main road.
You might be a redneck if you drive a minivan to the prom.
You might be a redneck if the most expensive jewelery you have came from Dollar General.
The Animal Loan
Q: What do you call it, when a bison gets a loan?
A: A Buffa-loan!
Think Fast!
A blonde's son was playing catch with his friend. The blonde was working in the yard, planting flowers and such. Her son was throwing the baseball back and forth with his friend when he suddenly smiled.
He threw the baseball straight at his blonde mom, and yelled, "Think Fast!!!" so the blonde said silently to herself, "Fast, fast, fast, fast..."
The blonde got herself hit right plop in the head.
Silly Monkey
What kind of monkey eats chips?
A chipmunk!