The ultimate premium-curated joke collection
From talking dogs to confused ducks, explore our hilarious wildlife jokes.
A blonde walked into the pet store and, after looking up and down the aisles, asked the sales clerk for help.
"I'd like a box of birdseed," said the lady.
"For which kind of bird?" he asked helpfully.
"Oh, I dunno," she replied. "Whichever will grow the fastest."
Why don't crabs share?
Because there shelfish!
How many roaches does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
You'll never know because when you turn on the light, they scatter!
Two blondes were going on a hike, and came to a fork in the road. A sign was in the center that said "Bear left." One of the blondes said,"I'm happy that was taken care of, now we finally are able to take the upper trail," so they proceeded left.
What does the turtle do in the Olympics?
The hurdle run!
Why did the elephant call the locksmith? Because he lost his keys in his trunk!
How do turtles talk to each other?
Shellphones!
How do you get a mouse to smile?
Say Cheese!
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold!
What did the cat say to the other cat on the phone?
Can you hear me-ow?
Which sea will make you go ape?
The Chimpansea.
What do you call a horse that escaped from jail?
A Zebra.
What is a cat's favourite exercise?
Puss-Ups!
What do you get when you cross a fish and a grizzly?
A Bearacuda.
Cows
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington, and they can track her calves to their stalls.
But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give them all a cow.
What does a cow do for entertainment?
Listen to moo-sic.
What do you call a flying skunk?
A smell-icopter
What do you get when you cross an elephant with Darth Vador?
An elevator
A dog is a man's best friend because it gives no advice, never tries to borrow money, and has no in-laws.
Q: Why are frogs so happy?
A: They eat whatever bugs them!
Q:What happens when two frogs collide?
A: They get tongue tied
Q: How does a frog feel when he has a broken leg?
A: Unhoppy
Q: What happens when you mix a frog with a bathtub scrubby-mit?
A: A rubbit
Q: Why did the frog read Sherlock Holmes?
A: He liked a good croak and dagger
Q: What happened to the frog's car when his parking permit expired?
A: It got toad
Two blondes decide to go duck hunting. Neither one has ever been before, but they decide to go anyway. They take a couple of guns and a hunting dog and head out into the woods. A few hours later, they still haven't caught anything.
"I don't get it," says the first blonde. "Why haven't we caught anything yet?"
The second blonde says,"I keep telling you, I just don't think we're throwing the dog high enough."
What do you call a horny fish?
A blowfish
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all go to a bar.
The redhead walks up to the bartender and says,"I'll have a BL." So the bartender gives her a Bud Light.
The brunette walks up next and says,"I'll have an ML." So the bartender gives her a Miller Light.
The blonde is catchingon so she goes up to the bartender and says,"I'll have a 15."
The bartender thinks about it, looks around, and says,"Ok, you stumped me. What's a 15?"
The blonde goes,"Duh! 7 and 7."