The Secret to Enjoying Wine
The secret to enjoying a good wine is:
1 - Open the bottle to allow it to breathe.
2 - When it does not breathe, give it mouth-to-mouth
Bar
Welcome to the laugh factory!
We've parsed thousands of clean jokes, dad jokes, and puns to curate the absolute best 500+ into 20 categories. Check out some random highlights below, or pick a category!
If You Find...
If you find you do not mind playing golf in the rain, the snow -- even during a hurricane! -- here is a valuable tip: Your life is in trouble.
Sports
Knitting Blonde
A highway patrolman pulled up alongside a speeding car on the freeway. As the officer peered through the driver's window, he was astounded to find that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting. The trooper cranked down his window and yelled to the driver, "Pull over!" at the top of his lungs. "No!" the blonde yelled back, "Scarf!"
Office
Priceless Picture
A man sat in his attorney's office.
"Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?" the lawyer asked.
"Give me the bad news first."
"Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars."
"That's the bad news?" asked the man, incredulously. "I can't wait to hear the terrible news."
"The terrible news is that it's of you and your secretary."
Legal
HAIR
This little boy asked his mother one day why his father had no hair.
His mother replied, "Well dear, that's because he thinks alot."
Having prided herself with coming up with such a wonderful answer she heard her son say,
"Gee mommy I'm sure glad you don't think 'cause you'd look funny with no hair!"
Kids
I've Done a Poo.
Knock knock
Who's there?
Idunnap.
Idunnap who?
Well, you best get to the toilet then!
(For those of you who don't understand you're meant to say, "i done a poo!")
Knock Knock
Bosses v. Workers
When I take a long time, I am slow.
When my boss takes a long time, he is thorough.
When I don't do it, I am lazy.
When my boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.
When I do it without being told, I'm trying to be smart.
When my boss does the same, that is initiative.
When I please my boss, that's brown-nosing.
When my boss pleases his boss, that's co-operating.
When I do good, my boss never remembers.
When I do wrong, he never forgets.
Office
Blonde Buys Curtains
A blonde girl enters a store that sells curtains. She tells the salesman: "I would like to buy a pink curtain that's the size of my computer screen". The surprised salesman replies: "But, madam, computers do not need curtains...."
And the blonde said:
"Helloooo.... I've got Windows!"
Programming
Tomato Family
There were 3 tomatoes. A momma tomato, a papa tomato, and a baby tomato. The baby tomato started to fall behind and the papa tomato called over to him and said, "Ketchup!"
Puns
How many?
A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"
"Sixteen," the boy responded.
His cousin was amazed that he knew the answer so quickly.
"How do you know that?"
"Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the Preacher said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."
Kids
DMV
Did you hear about the director of the Department of Motor Vehicles who resigned on Tuesday? He tried to resign on Monday, but discovered he'd been standing in the wrong line.
Misc
Viagra Study
In a recent FDA study, the United States government doctors who were conducting studies on test drugs administered weekly doses of VIAGRA to an equal number of doctors and lawyers.
While the majority of the doctors achieved enhanced sexual prowess, the lawyers simply grew taller.
The researchers are at a loss to explain the phenomenon.
Medical
Blondes Will Be Blonde
Why did they ban the wave at the local football games?
*Too many blondes were drowning.
Why was the blonde on the roof of the bar?
*Someone told her that the drinks were on the house.
Why don't blondes eat M&Ms?
*They are too hard to peel.
Why do blondes take the pill?
*It's the only way that they can keep track of what day of the week it is.
Did you hear about the blonde that robbed a bank?
*She tied up the safe and blew the guard.
Bar
Top George Bush Slogans
TOP GEORGE BUSH SLOGANS
1. I'll turn capital punishment into a new game show!
2. I promise to get cocaine off our streets: 1 kilo at a time.
3. I'll finish what Bill started -- the interns.
4. Like father, like son. You liked my dad, right?
5. Vote for the GOP, Not OPP.
6. I promise no sex scandal: just look at me.
7. New penal plan: I won't use mine!
8. Read my lips: Al Gore Sucks.
9. George W. Bush: No hang-ups. Just hangovers
10. Vote for Bush and against Common Sense
Dad Jokes
Knocking??
Knock-Knock
Why are you knocking? I've got a doorbell
Knock Knock
Magic Elixir of Life
A man was walking through Beverly Hills selling door to door what he claimed to be the "Magic Elixir of Life".
Of course, the police arrested him and ran a computer check of him.
They found the man had quite a long record of such dealings. He was first arrested for that type of crime in 1660.
Programming
A Lawyer Joke
The National Institutes of Health have announced that they will no longer be using rats for medical experimentation. In their place, they will use attorneys. They have given three reasons for this decision:
1. There are now more attorneys than there are rats.
2. The medical researchers don't become as emotionally attached to the attorneys as they did to the rats.
3. No matter how hard you try, there are some things that rats won't do.
Legal
911
Why can't you trust a blonde to call for an ambulance?
She can't find the 11 to call 911.
Misc
Sex Therapy
A couple visit a sex therapist, who asked the wife, "What's your main complaint about your sex life?
She replied, "My husband suffers from premature ejaculation."
The therapist asked the husband, "Is this true?"
He replied, "Well, not exactly, I don't suffer. She does."
Medical
Miss Right
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her
first name was Always.
Relationships
What's the Difference?
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
A: The lawyer charges more.
Legal
Tips on Pill Taking
Never ever take a sleeping pill and a laxative in the same night.
One Liners
Internet
What's the difference between a blonde and the internet?
Not everyone has been on the internet!
Misc
This is Dumb But Hey!
What was the witches favorite subject in school?
SPELLing
School