Sausage-Collection
Patient:"Doctor,my wife thinks I'm crazy because I like sausages."
Psychiatrist: "Rubbish! I like sausages too."
Patient: Good,you should come and see my collection. I've got hundreds."
Medical
Welcome to the laugh factory!
We've parsed thousands of clean jokes, dad jokes, and puns to curate the absolute best 500+ into 20 categories. Check out some random highlights below, or pick a category!
Neat Nurse
Then there was the neat nurse, who made the patient without disturbing the bed.
One Liners
LOUD:
A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor.
Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell."
"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is."
"The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!"
Relationships
Name?
What did the Lawyer name his daughter?
Answer: Sue
Legal
Politics
Politics comes from the root "poli-", which means many, and "-tics", which means, blood-sucking creatures.
One Liners
Sign
Laundromat sign:
Automatic Washing Machines: Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.
Misc
Skinny Kid
Child: Mommy, why am I so skinny?
Mommy: Don't worry about it, dear. When your father was born, he only weighed four pounds.
Child: Really? Did he live?
Kids
Barbie Doll
Did you here about the new redneck Barbie doll?
It comes with twelve kids, aids, and a welfare check.
Bar
Lawyers Love Sushi
Hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers?
It's called, Sosumi.
Legal
Revenge!
A grandfather bought a hobby-horse by mail order as a Christmas present for his granddaughter. The toy arrived in 189 pieces. The instructions said that it could be put together in an hour; however, it took the old man two days to assemble the toy.
Finally, when it was all put together, he wrote a check, cut it into 189 pieces and mailed it to the company.
Technology
Make up
Yo mama is so stupid that she put lipstick on her forehead to make up her mind.
Yo Momma
Yuri Gagarin
The Armenian Radio was asked: "Is it true that comrade cosmonaut Yuri Gagarin's car was stolen in Moscow during the celebrations?"
The Armenian Radio answers: "In principle yes, but it was not in Moscow, rather in Kiev, and it was not his car, but his bike and it was not comrade cosmonaut Yuri Gagarin, but comrade highschool teacher Gagarin and his first name was not Yuri, but Leonid..."
School
Blueberry Hill
One day a boy walked in the classroom. The teacher asked him why he was late; he said he was on top of Blueberry Hill. The next boy walked in and the teacher asked him why he was late; he said he was on top of Blueberry Hill. The last boy walked in and the teacher asked him why he was late. He said he was on top of Blueberry Hill. Then a girl walked in and the teacher said, "Let me guess, you're late beacause you were on top of Blueberry Hill". Then the girl said, "I am Blueberry Hill".
School
Airborne
After enlisting in the 82nd Airborne Division, I eagerly asked my Recruiter what I could expect from jump school.
"Well," he said, "it's three weeks long."
"What else," I asked.
"The first week they separate the men from the boys," he said. "The second week, they separate the men from the fools."
"And the third week?" I asked.
"The third week, the fools jump."
School
Marble, Stone, They're All the Same!
What did the statue say to the other after a break-up and make-up?
I'm sorry I took you for granite. (granted)
hahahaha
Puns
Stealing
Don't steal. The government hates competition.
One Liners
Pick-up Lines For Computer Geeks
- Nice Set of Floppies!
- Hey, how 'bout I take off your cover and insert a bigger CPU.
- I'd like to play on your laptop.
- Need me to unzip your files?
- If you were an ISP, I'd dial you all day long!
- I'd like to boot up your PC!
- I'll bet my hard drive is the biggest you've ever seen!
- I've got a 21 inch... (monitor)
- I'd get a T3 to watch your streaming video...
- Your homepage or mine?
Technology
Fire!
Two blondes realize that their apartment is on fire and go out onto the balcony.
"Help, help!" yelled one of the blondes.
"Help us, help us!" yelled the other.
"Maybe it would help if we yelled together," said the first blonde.
"Good idea," said the other.
"Together, together!" they yelled.
Misc
Jazz Musicians
How many jazz musicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
Don't worry about the changes, we'll fake it!
Note: In jazz, the chord changes are what dictates the improvisation of the music.
Lightbulb
Blind Man
A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog. All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head.
The manager runs up to the man and asks, "What are you doing?!!"
The blind man replies, "Just looking around."
Medical
Walking
Your mama so big that people walk around her for exercise.
Yo Momma
Juicy Squirt
The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"
The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."
The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"
The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"
Misc
Fun Fun Fun
Yo mama's so fat that she rents herself out as a jumping castle.
Yo Momma
Olden Days
The old pastor made it to a practice to visit the parish school one day a week.
He walked into the 4th grade class, where the children were studying the states, and asked them how many states they could name.
They came up with about 40 names.
He jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states.
One lad raised his hand and said, "Yes, but in those days there were only 13."
School