The ultimate premium-curated joke collection
We've parsed thousands of clean jokes, dad jokes, and puns to curate the absolute best 500+ into 20 categories. Check out some random highlights below, or pick a category!
A man walks into a pet store and asks for a German shepperd. The shopkeeper, replies that it will cost him $500. The man thinks for a minute, then asks how much a beware of dog sign costs. The shopkeeper calmly replies that it costs a whopping $1.98. The man thinks for a while longer, and asks for a beware of dog sign.
One evening, a little boy and his family were having supper at his grandma's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served.
When he received his plate, the little guy began eating right away.
"Wait until we a say a prayer," his mother admonished.
" I don't have to," he replied.
"Of course you do," his mother insisted. "We always say a prayer before eating at home."
"That's at home," he explained. "This is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook!!"
How do you get a mouse to smile?
Say Cheese!
A blonde with two burnt ears went to the doctor, who asked what had happened.
"The phone rang, and I accidentally picked up the iron."
"What about the other one?"
"They called back."
What do you call a flying skunk?
A smell-icopter
Oh, what a shame. It looks like the Ugly Fairy kissed you on both cheeks.
Why did the chicken pox cross the road?
He was afraid if he stayed he would be spotted.
A local psychic hotline opened up a new number especially for frogs, called "The Psychic Frog-line." A frog called, wanting to know his future.
"You will meet a beautiful young girl," predicted the psychic.
"This is great!" said the frog. "Where will I meet her? At a party? At the pond?"
"No," replied the psychic. "Next semester in a biology class."
Yo Dad said to yo mama, "We're getting a color TV!" and yo mama asked, "What color?"
What do you call a guy with no arms or legs floating in the ocean?
Bob!
"You have a very rare and extremely contagious condition," the doctor told his patient. "We're going to put you in an isolation unit, where you'll be on a diet of pancakes and pizza."
"Will pancakes and pizza cure my condition?"
"No," replied the doctor. "They're the only things we can slip under the door."
What does the lion say to his friends before they go out hunting for food?
"Let us prey."
Many employers motivate workers with bonuses. Some offer gym memberships, a few even supply day care for their working mothers and fathers. Our bosses go a step further. A sign posted in our break room read:
New Incentive Plan . . . Work or get fired!
It ain't easy to be a dick;
I've got a head I can't think with,
An eye I can't see out of.
I have to hang around with two nuts all the time.
My closest neighbour is a real asshole.
My best friend is a pussy.
And every time I get excited, I throw up;
And worst of all, my owner beats me.
This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his home town for the holidays. After looking over the menu he says, "I'll just have the eggs Benedict." His order comes a while later and it's served on a big, shiny hubcap.
He asks the waiter, "What's with the hubcap?"
The waiter sings, "Oh, there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!"
Bill and Hillary are at the first baseball game of the season. The umpire walks up to the VIP section and yells something, suddenly Clinton grabs Hillary by the collar and throws her over the side and onto the field. The stunned umpired shouts.
"No, Mr. President! I said, 'Throw the first PITCH!'"
Psychiatrist: What's your problem?
Patient: I think I'm a chicken.
Psychiatrist: How long has this been going on?
Patient: Ever since I was an egg!
Why did the melon jump into the water?
Because it wanted to be a watermelon!
Q: How many lead guitarists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One. The guitarist holds the bulb and the world revolves around him!
You know your joke is bad when....
- All the comments rated -2 or less are the ones that say they actually like it.
- There AREN'T any comments at all.
- People ask if you are boring in real life.
- It was so "not funny", that it was actually funny.
And last but not least
- There are absolutly NO duplicates of your joke because it was so bad.
(I wonder if I can say the same for this)
As a painless way to save money, a young couple arranged that every time they have sex the husband puts his pocket change into a china piggy bank on the bedside table. One night while being unusually athletic, he accidentally knocked the piggy bank onto the floor where it smashes.
To his surprise, among the masses of coins, there are handfuls of five and ten dollar bills. He asks his wife "What's up with all the notes?", to his wife which replies, "Well, not everyone is as cheap as you are."
Your momma so ugly when she walked through the graveyard 2 men came after her with shovels.
Yo mama is so dumb it took her an hour to make minute rice!!!
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I'm schizophrenic
And so am I!