Welcome to the laugh factory!
We've parsed thousands of clean jokes, dad jokes, and puns to curate the absolute best 500+ into 20 categories. Check out some random highlights below, or pick a category!
Guy Goes Into a Bar
A guy goes into a bar and orders a beer, He drinks it, and 5 minutes later orders another. This goes on for 2 hours straight, the guy ordering a beer every 5 minutes or so. After 2 hours the guy has had 24 beers and is pretty drunk.
The bartender looks at the guy and says, "How did you do that/"
The guy responds, "It's no problem. You just chug 'em back."
Bartender; "Not the drinking part, I mean how did you drink 24 beers without going to the bathroom?"
The guy says, "Depends"
Sex Therapy
A couple visit a sex therapist, who asked the wife, "What's your main complaint about your sex life?
She replied, "My husband suffers from premature ejaculation."
The therapist asked the husband, "Is this true?"
He replied, "Well, not exactly, I don't suffer. She does."
Frog #1
Q: Why are frogs so happy?
A: They eat whatever bugs them!
Dumb C.E.O
One day a secretary is leaving on her lunch break, and she notices her boss standing in front of a shredder with a clueless look on his face. The secretary walks up to him and asks if he needs help.
"Yes!" he says looking and sounding relieved, "This is very important."
Glad to help, she turns the shredder on and inserts the paper. Then her boss says, "Thanks, I only need one copy."
FBI
Q: How many FBI agents does it take to change a light bulb?
A: I'm afraid that you are not able to receive this classified information.
Louvre
Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with
stealing several paintings from the Louvre.
However, after planning the crime, and getting
in and out past incredible security, he was
captured only two blocks away when his Econoline
ran out of gas.
When asked how he could mastermind such a crime
and then make such an obvious error, he replied:
I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh!
Eight-year-old Sally...
Eight year old Sally brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good, mostly A's and a couple of B's. However, her teacher had written across the bottom:
"Sally is a smart little girl, but she has one fault.
She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit."
Sally's dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back: "Please let me know if your idea works on Sally because I would like to try it out on her mother."
Concrete Wall
Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says "Dam".
What's Wrong With that Guy?
"What's wrong with you?" you asked a very dumb guy that was taking your order at the newest resturant in town.
"The doctor doesn't know yet, hehe (snort)."
Mt. Mama
Yo mama's so fat, her Inuit name is Denali!
White House Interior Decorator
One day, Clinton called the White House interior decorator into the Oval Office. He was very furious and said, "Chelsea is very upset because she thinks she has the ugliest room in the entire White House; I want something done about it immediately!" Yes Sir, Mr. President," the interior decorator replies. "I'll have those mirrors removed right away!"
His Best Friend
Lou sat at the bar furiously pounding down shots of whiskey.
His best friend, Jim, spotted him and said, "Lou, what's going on? Are you okay? I've known you for fifteen years and I've never seen you drink like this before."
Staring at his next filled shot glass, Lou replied, "My wife just ran off with my best friend," and tossed that drink down, too.
"But I thought that I was your best friend?" said Jim.
Lou looked at Jim through bloodshot eyes and slurred, "Not any more!"
A Real Groaner!
Q: What did the little chick say when his mom laid an orange?
A: Look at the orange-mama-lade!
Keeping Tabs
It's forty below zero one winter "night" in Alaska. Pat is drinking at his local saloon and the bartender says to him, "You owe me quite a bit on your tab."
"Sorry," says Pat, "I'm flat broke this week."
"That's okay," says the bartender. "I'll just write your name and the amount you owe me right here on the wall."
"But," says Pat, "I don't want any of my friends to see that."
"They won't," says the bartender. "I'll just hang your parka over it until it's paid."
Show
Yo momma so fat, when she walks in front of the T.V., you miss 5 minutes of your show!
A grandson's coffee
A Grandmother was surprised by her 7 year old grandson one morning when he had made her coffee.
She drank what was the worst cup of coffee in her life. When she got to the bottom there were three of those little green army men in the cup. She said, "Honey, what are the army men doing in my coffee?"
Her grandson said, "Grandma, it says on TV-'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!'"
Geese and Ducks
Q: What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
A: Stick his bill up his rear.
....
One professor says your IQ measures how much you know. A scientist says your IQ measures how much information you are capable of learning. All I want to know is how long it will take me to get with your sister. I mean DAMN!
Closet
What do you call the skeleton of a blonde you find in a closet?
1950's Hide-n-seek champion.
Bin Laden
Bin Laden is sitting with his son and they are watching the Twin Towers collapse.
His son asks him, "Dad, which film is this?" to which he replied, "Son, this isn't a film, this is a series."
Enzymes and Hormones
What's the difference between an enzyme and a hormone?
You can't hear an enzyme!
$1,000,000
Did you hear about the new Polish million dollar lotery?
You get a dollar a year for a million years!!!
Blonde Buys Curtains
A blonde girl enters a store that sells curtains. She tells the salesman: "I would like to buy a pink curtain that's the size of my computer screen". The surprised salesman replies: "But, madam, computers do not need curtains...."
And the blonde said:
"Helloooo.... I've got Windows!"
Day or Night?
A man awoke in a hospital bed after a complicated operation, and found that the curtains were drawn around him. "Why are the curtains closed?" he said. "Is it night?"
A nurse replied, "No, it's just that there is a fire across the street, and we didn't want you waking up and thinking that the operation was unsuccessful."