The ultimate premium-curated joke collection
We've parsed thousands of clean jokes, dad jokes, and puns to curate the absolute best 500+ into 20 categories. Check out some random highlights below, or pick a category!
A man was lost for hours when he suddenly came up to a house.
The man knocked on the door and asks to enter. The woman who owns the house asked, "Who is it?"
The man answered, "I and I King Silassi I Jah Rasta Fari."
The lady replied, "Go away, there are too many of you for me to let you in."
Teacher: Jimmy! Count from one all the way to ten!
Jimmy: 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10.
Teacher: Good, now what comes after that?
Jimmy:Jack, queen and king!
A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. So he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. FORGIVE US OUR TRESPASSES."
When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note: "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. LEAD US NOT INTO TEMPTATION."
Yo Momma so hairy . . . . .
she has to have a hair trapper in her kitchen sink.
The gap between your teeth is so big, I don't know whether to smile back or kick a field goal.
How do you keep a Rhino from charging?
Take away its credit card.
Kid says to mom:"The babysitter's an angel! She was naked in the garden and screamed God I'm coming! Lucky daddy was holding her from behind to keep her here!"
What do you call a woodpecker without a beak?
A headbanger.
Your Mom is so fat, she's the only one at the beach that gets a tan.
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
A chu.
A chu who?
Bless you!
What do Osama Bin Laden and crabs have in common.
They both irritate bush!
Once upon a time, there was a female brain cell which, by mistake, happened to end up in a man's head. She looked around nervously, but it was all empty and quiet.
"Hello?" she cried...but no answer.
"Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer....
Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled:
"HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?"
Then she heard a voice from far, far away ... "Hello - we're all down here...."
"Dad," said Little Johnny, "I'm late for football practice. Would you please do my homework for me?"
Little Johnny's father said irately, "Son, it just wouldn't be right."
"That's okay," replied Little Johnny "You could at least give it a try, couldn't you?"
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Ya.
Ya who?
What are you getting so excited about?
An older couple is lying in bed one morning, having just awakened from a good night's sleep. He takes her hand and she responds, "Don't touch me!"
"Why not?" he asks.
She answers back, "Because I'm dead."
The husband says, "What are you talking about? We're both lying here in bed together and talking to one another."
She says, "No, I'm definitely dead."
He insists, "You're not dead. What in the world makes you think you're dead?"
"Because nothing hurts."
Yo momma cooks so bad, your family prays after they eat!
IBM and IBC combine to create the perfect computer for financial management. Here's the headline on the weekly paper.
IBM: Do You?
A huge black man entered in a bar with a huge and colorful parrot on his shoulder. The bartender was amazed, so he asked "Where did you get that thing?"
Then the parrot said, "Well they're walking all over Africa..."
A woman's breasts are like a child's toys. They are meant for the child - but the husband is the one that usually ends up playing with them.
Have you ever had those days when your computer fucking sucks?
Now you have a poem to say!
I'm gonna get some Coke and a snack,
This should be FUCKING WORKING by the time I get back.
Bill walked into his favorite dive bar, took his regular stool, looked around, and asked Louie, the bartender, "Where's Beverly, the waitress?"
"She's dead," replied the bartender.
"Dead?" asked Bill.
"She died from herpes," said the bartender.
Bill replied, "You don't die from herpes."
"You do if you give it to Big Louie!" said the bartender.
A horse walked into a bar.
The barman said,
"Why the long face?"
In 1634, tulip bulbs were a form of currency in Holland.
A male kangaroo is called a boomer.
Penguins have an organ above their eyes that converts sea water to fresh water.
Bamboo makes up 99% of a panda's diet.
The first human-made object to break the sound barrier was a whip.
Beavers were once the size of bears.
The first ballpoint pens were sold in 1945 for $12.00 each.
A man goes into the bar and orders a scotch. He gulps it down, and looks in his hand. He orders another one. He gulps it down and orders another one. He again looks in his hand. He orders 2 scotches this time and gulps them both down. He looks in his hand. The bartender, curious, asks the man what's going on.
The man replies, "It's a picture of my wife. When she starts to look good, I'm going home."