Dog Face
If my dog's face looked like your face, I'd shave his ass and make him walk backwards!
Animals
Welcome to the laugh factory!
We've parsed thousands of clean jokes, dad jokes, and puns to curate the absolute best 500+ into 20 categories. Check out some random highlights below, or pick a category!
Blondesssss
What does a blonde do when she wakes up?
She goes home!
Misc
Bush Joke
At a party, a man came up to a stranger and asked "Have you heard the latest Bush joke?"
The man replies, "I am Bush."
The man said, "Oh. I'll tell it slowly."
Technology
Oranges
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you glad I didn't say banana!
Knock Knock
Guy in a Bar
So, this guy walks into a bar.
And says, "ouch".
Bar
Eyes
Why were the teacher's eyes crossed?
She couldn't control her pupils!
Puns
Too Fat
Friend 1:"Yeh,you are looking too fat."
Friend 2:"You are looking too old."
Friend 1:"I am not old."
Friend 2:"Then, I am not too fat."
Kids
Bad Breath
A boy walked up to a man and asked, "Hey mister, wanna donate to the WE NEED HELP children's fund?" the man said, "No, but I will donate a pack of listerine bottles because I hope all of the kids' breath don't smell as bad as yours!"
(real life situation)
Food
Hot
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold!
Animals
Knock on the Door
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Doris
Doris who?
Door is shut thats why i knocked!
Knock Knock
You Looked Like My Wife
A drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for sometime at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."
"Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed.
"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."
Bar
Nobody likes Bill Clinton
Abraham Lincoln, Bill Clinton, and George Washington were all on an airplane looking out the door. George Washington says, " I'm going to make somebody happy" then throws a $20 out of the plane. Bill Clinton says, "I'm going to make two people happy" then throws 2 $20's out of the plane. Abraham Lincoln says "I'm going to make everybody happy" and throws Bill Clinton out of the plane.
Technology
Price Chopper
How many Price Chopper employees does it take to wash a table?
Three; one to wash it and two to supervise.
Office
Chill Out For A Cone
It was a sweltering hot day when three guys, Arnold, Bobby and Calvin, were walking along a never-ending path in a park.
Arnold: It sure is hot! I'd like a vanilla cone very much.
Bobby: Yeah, my shirt's soak with sweat. I'd give 10 bucks for a strawberry cone.
Calvin: Well I'd give 20 bucks for any cone.
Arnold picks something off the ground saying, "Pay up Cal, here's a pine cone."
Food
IRISH SHOPPING
McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olive and placing it in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.
"S'cuse me," said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done, "what was that all about?"
"Nothin'," said the Irishman. "My wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!"
Relationships
Kids and Kittens
A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, "There were two boy kittens and two girl kittens."
"How did you know?" his mother asked.
Daddy picked them up and looked underneath, he replied, "I think it's printed on the bottom."
Kids
40th anniversary
A husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife -Cold As Ever.'"
"Yeah?!" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting
you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband -Stiff At Last.'"
Relationships
The Knocks
once a women was in her home and she heard someone go knock-knock. she said, who's their and the voice said tisha the women said tisha who the voice said tisha me my abcs and she was like is that a ghost. the voice said, i'm your cousin
and it was a knock-knock joke. oh the woman said
Knock Knock
Dumb Criminal
When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a holdup in Long Beach, California, would be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.....
Deep Thoughts
What Do You Call...
Q. What do you call a guy that sits on your doorstep?
A. A Matt.
One Liners
Midget Walks Into a Bar
A midget walks into a bar and trips over some sh*t left on the floor.
Luckily no one saw him, so to avoid embarrassment, he doesn't make a fuss about it. So he goes to bar and orders a drink.
A few minutes later a big fella comes to the bar and trips over the same piece of sh*t.
The midget smiles and says, "I just did that".
So the big fella comes over to the midget and knocks him out.
Bar
Waiter 1
Waiter, this lobster has only one claw.
I'm sorry, sir. It must have been in a fight.
Well, bring me the winner then.
Bar
Nosy
On Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn. The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged at this that she came over and shouted at me, "You should be hung."
I took a drink from my can of Budweiser, wiped the cold foam from my lips, lifted my darkened Ray ban Sunglasses and stared directly at this nosey neighbor and then calmly replied, "I am, that's why she cuts the grass."
Relationships
Take with Water
After giving a woman a full medical examination, the doctor explained his prescription as he wrote it out. "When you get up, take the green pill with a glass of water. Take the blue pill with a glass of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another glass of water."
"Exactly what is my problem, Doctor?" the woman asked.
"You're not drinking enough water."
Medical