Have You Ever Noticed
That sometimes when you cry, no one sees your tears.
Sometimes when you're sad, no one understands your pain.
Sometimes when you're happy, no one sees your smile.
But you just have to fart once, and EVERYBODY knows.
Misc
Welcome to the laugh factory!
We've parsed thousands of clean jokes, dad jokes, and puns to curate the absolute best 500+ into 20 categories. Check out some random highlights below, or pick a category!
Clear
Yo Mama so dumb, her favorite color is clear.
Yo Momma
Ten things a man will never say
1. Happy Anniversery!
2.You're wearing THAT to the party!!??
3.Do I look fat in this?
4.You didn't know it was my birthday today!?
5.Oh my god! Can't we just be friends!
6.Listen honey we have to talk... I think, I'm pregnant.
7.Here's 100 dollars!
8.Hey! Is it okay if some of my friends come over to watch football and we go crazy when our team loses.
9.Sweetie can we not do it tonight?
10.Honey I'm home! How have you been today?!
Relationships
Dumb Criminal
When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a holdup in Long Beach, California, would be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.....
Bar
Kidneys and Livers
Two old men were arguing the merits of their doctors. The first one said, "I don't trust your fancy doctor. He treated old Jake Waxman for a kidney ailment for nearly a year, and then Jake died of a liver ailment."
"So what makes you think your doctor is any better?" asked his friend.
"Because when my doctor treats you for a kidney ailment, you can be sure you'll die of a kidney ailment."
Medical
Agua, Porfavor.
Knock knock?
Who's there?
Water.
Water who?
Water you doing?
Knock Knock
Two Rabbis II
Two Rabbis were discussing their problems with squirrels in their synagogue attic. One Rabbi said they simply called an exterminator and they never saw the squirrels again. The other Rabbi said, "We just gave them all a bar mitzvah, and never saw the squirrels again."
Bar
Peacock
One day, an old man went to a teenager with spiked hair. He asked him, "Have you done anything crazy in your life?"
The teen replied, "No".
So the old man said, "Well, about 15 years ago, I was drunk, and I saw a porcupine. Now I am wondering if you are my son."
Misc
Animal Crackers
A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries. The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table.
"What are you doin?" his mother asked; "you can't eat them if the seal is broken."
The boy explained, "I'm looking for the seal."
Animals
How to Make Your Parents Seem Senile
(especially if you do this in public)
Child: Would you still love me if I did something bad?
Parent: Yes, of course.
Child: I mean something REALLY bad.
Parent: Of course...
Child: No, I mean something REALLY really bad.
Parent: No...
Child: No, really. Something REALLY really really-
Parent: ALL RIGHT! WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO!!!???!!!???!!!???!!!???111///111///111///111///
Child: (Innocently) Nothing, why?
Kids
Who Has Blurry Boobs?
boodler---> kind of sounds like Boob blur! and zats why battery fucks boobler 69 times a day.
Lightbulb
Well that's no good
All lazy peoples' slogan must be "The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."
But fear not for all of you who wake up early just keep this in mind:
The first cat gets the mouse.
Animals
Seafood
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
Puns
Diarhea
Did you know diarhea is part of your inheritence?
Ya, it flows in our genes.
Puns
Drunk
What's the difference between a "fox" and a "dog?" About 6 drinks.
Bar
Bad Day
How do you know a blonde is having a bad day?
Her tampon is behind her ear, and she's looking for her pencil.
Misc
Plastic, or Rubber?
A man walks into a bar and a drunk is sitting there mumbling something quietly. Curious the man takes the seat next to him. The drunk is mumbling, "Looks like plastic, feels like rubber." While looking at something in his hand.
The man asks the drunk if he may see what he means. The man feels the object and says, "It does look like plastic and feels like rubber. Where did you get it?"
The drunk replies, "From my nose."
Bar
Pile Up
Knock-Knock
Who's there?
I'm a pile up.
I'm a pile up who?
Yes, you are a pile of poo!
Knock Knock
Just Right For The Job
Q: How many believable, competent, "just right for the job" presidential candidates does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: It's going to be a dark 4 years, isn't it?
Lightbulb
Help
Yo momma so fat, when she hauls ass, she has friends come help!
Yo Momma
#11 Redneck
You know you're a redneck if you would rather your son have his own hunting show than become a doctor.
Medical
Funerals
Always go to other peoples funerals, or they wont come to yours.
One Liners
What's Weirder?
Q: What's weirder than a talking dog?
A: A spelling bee!
Puns
3 Couples...
Three couples went to a resturant. The women wanted to compliment the men with something that was on the table.
"Could you pass me the sugar, sugar?" said the first gal.
"Could you pass me the honey, honey?" said the second.
"Could you pass me the bacon, pig?" said the third.
Misc