The ultimate premium-curated joke collection
We've parsed thousands of clean jokes, dad jokes, and puns to curate the absolute best 500+ into 20 categories. Check out some random highlights below, or pick a category!
once a women was in her home and she heard someone go knock-knock. she said, who's their and the voice said tisha the women said tisha who the voice said tisha me my abcs and she was like is that a ghost. the voice said, i'm your cousin
and it was a knock-knock joke. oh the woman said
Yo Mama so big, fat, and clumsey, when she tried to get to Wal-Mart, she stumbled over K-Mart and landed right on Target.
Golf is a hard game to figure. One day you'll go out and slice it and shank it, hit it onto all the traps and miss every green. The next day you go out, and for no reason at all, you really stink.
Murphy, a dishonest lawyer, bribed one of his client's jurors to hold out for a charge of manslaughter, fearing the murder charge being brought by the state. The jury was out for days before returning with the verdict:
Manslaughter!
Later, as Murphy paid off the corrupt juror, he asked him if he had a hard time convincing the other jurors to see things his way.
"Boy, did I!" said the juror. "They kept voting to acquit!
Boy: Will you punish me for something I
didn't do?
Teacher: Of course not!
Boy: Good cause I didn't do my homework!
Why don't you slip into something comfortable.
Like a coma.
Yo mama is so stupid she stole a free sample.
Three guys are about to be executed and they are asked what they wish to have for their last meal.
The Italian responds, Pepperoni Pizza, which he is served and then executed.
The Frenchmen requests a Fillet Mignon, which he is served and then executed.
The Newf requests a plate of strawberries.
"STRAWBERRIES ????"
"Yes, Strawberries."
He is told, "But they are out of season!"
"So, I'll wait."
Teacher: Julia, how can you say Asshole in a nicer way?
Julia: As holes.
Q: Why does the law prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
A: To prevent clients from being billed twice for what is essentially the same service.
Q: How many IBM engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They merely change the standard to darkness and upgrade the customers.
And the beast shall come forth surrounded by a roiling cloud of vengeance. The house of the unbelievers shall be razed and they shall be scorched to the earth. Their tags shall blink until the end of days.
NAMES OF ACTUAL COUPLES GETTING MARRIED:
Broken-Bridge
Sarry-Huney
Big-Theisman
Lossin-Hare
Redder-Bottum
CAN'T WAIT TO SEE HOW LONG THOSE COUPLES LAST!
The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain, involved in many kinds of motivation, among other functions. The hypothalamus controls the "Four F's": fighting, fleeing, feeding, and mating. -Heard in a neuropsychology classroom
Sign at an office kitchen:
After the tea break, the staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the drain-board.
A blond and her friends went to a bank to rob it. The blond's job was to get the code for the vault they wanted to rob. Finally, the blond came back to the vault and began punching in numbers. Each time she typed in a number it beeped a different sound. A friend asked, "Do you know the code?"
The blond said, "No, but listen." She made a whole bunch of beeps then said, "It's the funky town music!"
Bill Gates "Notes to self"
* Next time my wife says to buy china, she means dishes.
* When my son asks for a golf club for his birthday, he means a putter, not a golf course.
* When my wife asks for diamonds, she wants ones that will fit on a necklace.
* Don't forget to tip the valet who pushes around your cart at the grocery store.
* If someone offers you a drink, don't ask when we're eating dinner.
* When my daughter asks for an iPod, don't try to buy her the whole company.
How do you know that you're a computer geek?
You catch a computer virus and take a virus scanning pill every week.
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Toulose.
Toulose who?
I don't want to lose to anybody!
How many magicians does it take to change a light bulb?
Into what?
A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. After a few more he needs to go to the can. He doesn't want anyone to steal his drink, so he puts a sign on it saying, "I spat in this beer, do not drink!" After a few minutes he returns and there is another sign next to his beer saying, "So did I!"
Knock Knock??
who's there?
Hatch
Hatch-who?
Bless you
Knock KnocK???
Who's there?
Ya
Ya who?
Where did that cowboy come from??
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Nunya!
Nunya who?
Nunya Damn Business!!