The ultimate premium-curated joke collection
We've parsed thousands of clean jokes, dad jokes, and puns to curate the absolute best 500+ into 20 categories. Check out some random highlights below, or pick a category!
The old pastor made it to a practice to visit the parish school one day a week.
He walked into the 4th grade class, where the children were studying the states, and asked them how many states they could name.
They came up with about 40 names.
He jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states.
One lad raised his hand and said, "Yes, but in those days there were only 13."
Waiter, this plate is wet.
That's your soup, sir.
Why did the lightbulb fail his test?
He wasnt bright enough!
Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant and some peanut butter?
A: Either an elephant that sticks to the roof of your mouth, or peanut butter that never forgets.
Not all lawyers are bad.
I've seen some graveyards full of good ones!
The gap between your teeth is so big, I don't know whether to smile back or kick a field goal.
Life isn't fair.
I went to my boss with a note from my doctor stating that I have multiple personalities. Now I do three different jobs and still only get one paycheck!!.
Teacher: Can you pay a little attention to this lesson?!
Pupil: I am trying my best to pay as little attention as I can!!
You know that little indestructible black box that
is used on planes?
Why can't they make the whole plane out of the
same stuff?
Child: Mommy, why am I so skinny?
Mommy: Don't worry about it, dear. When your father was born, he only weighed four pounds.
Child: Really? Did he live?
Johnny comes back from school crying and says, "Mommy all the kids in the school say I have a big head."
His mother replies, "No you don't Johnny. You have a hideously deformed head. The other children are merely hiding the truth to protect your feelings."
I didn't mean to agitate the police officer. Water balloons are good fun, but he had to get all mad. Then he grabbed that metal baton thingy. That's a lot less fun than a water balloon. I even said "think fast!" He didn't say that to me when he used the baton on my face.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Dwayne
Dwayne who?
Dwayne the bathtub mommy, I'm dwowning.
One day, Mr. Dorren's first grade class was learning the alphabet.
One of his students came up to Mr. Dorren and asked to go to the bathroom.
Mr. Dorren said, "First, recite the alphabet."
The student started, "A, B... ... L, M, N, O, Q..."
When he finished, Mr. Dorren asked, "Where's the 'P'?"
"Running down my legs." replied the student.
What do you call a smart blond?
An Endangered species
Yo momma so fat, when she hauls ass, she has friends come help!
What is black and white and red all over?
An embarrassed zebra
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Yudare.
Yudare who?
You dare to disturb me,while I am sleeping?
An Engineering Major says "How does it work?"
A Science Major says "Why does it work?"
An Accounting Major says "How much will it cost?"
A Liberal Arts Major says "Do you want fries with that?"
A blonde is like a turtle. If either one is on their back, they are screwed!
Knock-knock!
Who's there?
Yoda!
Yoda who?
Yo-da door's stuck! Lemme in!
Knock knock.
Who's there?
You!
You who?
What are you so happy about?
What did the mother match say to the baby match?
Don't scratch your head.
A man called the gorilla exterminator because a gorilla was in the tree in his front yand. When the exterminator came he had a gun, a stick, and a dog. He explained that he would climb the tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until it falls from the tree.
"Then my dog will bite his testicles off."
The guy suspiciously asked, "What is the gun for?"
The exterminator replied, "If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla, then you shoot the dog."