Welcome to the laugh factory!
We've parsed thousands of clean jokes, dad jokes, and puns to curate the absolute best 500+ into 20 categories. Check out some random highlights below, or pick a category!
Ask Me No Questions
Woman: Honey, do you love me?
Man: Ask me no questions, i'll tell you no lies!
Woman: Do I look fat in this?
Man: Ask me no questions, i'll tell you no lies!
Woman: Did you enjoy the meal?
Man: Ask me no questions, i'll tell you no lies!
Woman: Do you see the wrinkles on my face?
Man: Ask me no questions, i'll tell you no lies!
Man: Do you wanna fool around tonight?
Woman: Sure Honey!
Man: Was it as good for you as it was for me?
Woman: Ask me no questions, i'll tell you no lies!
Tracing Letters
A blonde and her friend were tracing their names from stencils to cut out. When they ran out of room, the blonde turned the paper over and said,"Hey, there's lots more room on this side!"
Clinton2
Did you hear Bill Clinton gave up playing his sax-a-phone?
He now plays his whore-monica.
Waiter 3
Look here, waiter! How long must I wait for that half-duck I ordered?
Until somebody orders the other half. We can't go out and kill half a duck.
Parking Fine
"Somebody complimented on my driving today," a blonde told her friend, "I found a note on my windshield that said'Parking Fine'."
Classic
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Poop!
Boomerang
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A stick.
Boy Scouts
How many boy scouts does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Three- Each to do one good turn daily.
Snake and a Kangaroo
Q: What do you get when you cross a snake and a kangaroo?
A: A jump rope
The letter E
Why is the letter E like London?
Because it is the Capital of England
Good Way
A good way to save face is to keep the lower half shut.
Hahaha
What do u call, a hippopotamus that dances?
A hiphopanominus
Announcement
Heard over the hospital public address system:
Due to a mix up in Urology, no apple juice will be served this morning.
Johnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnny!
Little johnny walked into a club where people were doing the macarena. He watched them for a while, and asked someone: "What are you guys doing? Searching for your wallets?"
Bad News / Good News: Lawyer's Version
A lawyer goes in to the cell where his client is being held. "Okay, I've some bad news, and some good news."
"Right, what's the bad news?"
"It's DEFINITELY your blood at the scene of the crime."
"So what's the good news?"
"Your cholesterol is way down!"
Owies!!
Q: Why did the blonde have bruises around her bellybutton?
A: Because her boyfriend was blond too!
Mice
How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two (think about it)
Record Store
A woman meant to call a record store, but dialed the wrong number and got a private home instead. "Do you have 'Eyes of Blue' and 'A Love Supreme?'" she asked.
"Well, no," answered the puzzled homeowner. "But I have a wife and eleven children."
"Is that a record?" the caller inquired, puzzled in her turn.
"I don't think so," replied the man, "but it's as close as I want to get."
White Wedding
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother: "Why is the bride dressed in white?"
"Because white is the color of happiness and today is the happiest day of her life," her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple.
The child thought about this for a moment, then said: "So then why is the groom wearing black?"
I was at the Golf Store...
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.
After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."
Alarming...
Knock-Knock,
Who's there?
Alarm.
Alarm who?
Alarm the cops about all the partying I've been having!!
I Wonder
"I wonder if my friend, Kent as submitted a joke about me saying how brave I am."
No I in Team!
Ben never saw action on his high school football team. One day, the assistant coach gave him a pep talk.
"Remember, Ben," he told him, "everyone on this team has an important role. There is no 'I' in 'team'."
"True," said the boy. "But there is a 'Ben' in 'bench'."
Irish
I-rish my beer was full...