High Tech Delivery
My sister gave birth in a state-of-the-art delivery room. It was so high tech that the baby came out cordless!
One Liners
Welcome to the laugh factory!
We've parsed thousands of clean jokes, dad jokes, and puns to curate the absolute best 500+ into 20 categories. Check out some random highlights below, or pick a category!
You Know You're A Redneck If...
You hear crack is illegal and you pull up your pants.
Someone yells "Hoe Down" at a dance and your wife falls to the floor.
You use newspapers for more than 3 uses in your home.
Your family tree is a wreath.
If your home is mobile but the 4 cars in your yard are not.
Your father gave you this advice, "If you can't keep it in your pants, at least keep it in the family."
The last thing relatives say before they die is, "Hey Ya'll! Watch this!"
Relationships
Into the Bar
There's this dyslexic guy... he walked into a bra...
Bar
Proper Dress Code
A recent college graduate got hired by the human-development center of a large corporation to train the employees in proper dress code and etiquette.
One day as she was stepping onto the elevator, a man who was casually dressed in jeans and a golf shirt got on with her.
"Dressed a little casually today, aren't we?" she said in a scolding tone.
"That's one of the benefits of owning the company," the man replied with a grin.
Programming
Mama
knock-knock.
who's there?
yo mama.
yo mama who?
this is yo mama stop playing.
Knock Knock
Hard Math Problem
Knock knock?
Who's there?
Howie.
Howie who?
Howie gonna figure this out?
Knock Knock
Jugglers
Q) How many jugglers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A) One, but it takes 3 lightbulbs.
Lightbulb
Hitting the Bottle
A woman was trying hard to get the catsup to come out of the bottle. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her four-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone right now. She's hitting the bottle."
Relationships
The Buddhist Hotdog Vendor
A Buddhist approaches a hotdog vendor and says: "Make me one with everything."
He gives the vendor a $20 bill and waits. Finally he says: "Where's my change?"
Says the vendor: "All change must come from within."
Animals
The Buddhist Computer Addict
Q: What happens when a Buddhist becomes totally absorbed with the computer he is working with?
A: He enters Nerdvana.
Programming
Fat Man
An Englishman, Irishman, Scotsman and a fat man are all going skydiving. When they get to jump the Englishman shouts, "God save England!"
The Scotsman shouts, "God save Scotland!"
The Irishman shouts, "God save Ireland!"
Then the fat man jumps and shouts, "God save whoever I land on!"
Misc
Nipples
Q - Why do women have nipples?
A - Because, if they didn't, boobs would be pointless
Medical
Down At The Retirement Center
80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what is in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!"
An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?" Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."
Relationships
Hookers
Blind Hookers eh? You've got to hand it to them.
One Liners
Work Equations
Smart Boss + Smart Employee = Profit
Smart Boss + Dumb Employee = Production
Dumb Boss + Smart Employee = Promotion
Dumb Boss + Dumb Employee = Overtime
Office
Little Girl and the Elderly
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my four-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds.
She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs.
One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass.
As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"
Kids
Zoo Trip
Yo Mama's so ugly, I took her to the zoo, and the zookeeper said "I didn't know an animal had escaped."
Yo Momma
Deep Down
Why do they bury lawyers 10 feet below ground instead of the usual 6?
Because deep down, they're not so bad!
Legal
Chicken Killer
Why didn't the chicken cross the road?
Because he was attempting to cross it when yo mamma got hungry.
Yo Momma
doctor's visit
"Doctor, I'd like you to evaluate my 13 year-old son."
"OK: He's most likely suffering from a transient psychosis with an intermittent rage disorder, punctuated by episodic radical mood swings, but his prognosis is good for full recovery."
"How can you say all that without even meeting him?"
"I thought you said he's 13?"
Kids
Can You Help Me?
PATIENT: "Doctor can you help me? It's my hearing. I can't even hear myself cough."
DOCTOR: "Okay, have this prescription filled."
PATIENT: "Oh, will it improve my hearing?"
DOCTOR: "No, but it will help you cough better."
Medical
Ten...
A man hadn't been feeling well, so he went to his doctor for a complete check-up. Afterward, the doctor came out with the results. "I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor said, "you're dying, and you don't have much time left."
"Oh, that's terrible!" said the man. "How long have I got?"
"Ten," the doctor said sadly. "Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!"
The doctor interrupted, "Nine..."
Medical
Cookie
Q: Why did the cookie go to the doctor?
A: Because he felt crumby.
Medical
Dr and the Drunk
A drunk goes to the doctor complaining of tiredness and headaches. 'I feel tired all the time,' he slurs, 'My head hurts, I've got a sore bum, and I'm not sleeping. What is it doc?'
Frowning the doctor examines him thoroughly before standing back.
'I can't find anything wrong,' he says.'It must be the drinking.'
'Fair enough,' replies the drunk.'I'll come back when you're sober.'
Medical