The ultimate premium-curated joke collection
We've parsed thousands of clean jokes, dad jokes, and puns to curate the absolute best 500+ into 20 categories. Check out some random highlights below, or pick a category!
The female skier Picabo Street (pronounced Peek-A-Boo)...
The famous Olympic skier Picabo Street is not just an athlete, she is a nurse. She currently works at the Intensive Care Unit of a large metropolitan hospital.
She is not permitted to answer the telephone, however, as it caused simply too much confusion when she would answer the phone and say,
"Picabo, ICU".
A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep the entire store."
"But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom. Let me show you how."
Why did a blonde take an empty glass and a glass full of water to bed?
She wasn't sure if she would get thirsty during the night.
A man was out, driving happily along in his car late one Saturday night. Before too long, a cop pulled him over.
The policeman walked up to the man and asked, "Have you been drinking, sir?"
"Why? Was I weaving all over the road?"
"No," replied the policeman, "you were driving splendidly. It was the really ugly girl in the passenger seat that gave you away."
The owner of a golf course in Knoxville, Tennessee was confused about paying an invoice minus his early payment discount, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Tennessee and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, then replied, "Everything but my earrings."
As a shepherd you herd your sheep into your barn.
As you walk away you hear two wolves in the barn.
What do you do?
I would get the flock out of there!
Q: Whats the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
A: A mosquito will stop sucking when you smack it!
A drunk phones the police.
He yells, "Come quick! Thieves have stolen my dashboard, steering wheel, brake and gas pedal, and my dang radio!! MY RADIO!!"
The police are just about to send out an officer when the drunk phones back.
He says very calmly, "Sorry officers. It turns out I just got in my backseat."
A grasshopper walks into a bar.
The bartender smiles and says "Hey, ya know we have a drink named after you!"
The grasshopper stops and says "Really? You have a drink called Steve?"
Why did the kid walk backwards to school?
Because it was back to school day!
Yo momma is so stupid, she got locked in McDonalds, and lost 300 pounds.
Knock-Knock
Who's there?
life
life who?
A life is what you need to get!
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground Beef!
A cop stops a man for running a stop sign and the subject gives the cop a lot of grief explaining that he did stop.
After several minutes, the cop explained to the gentleman that he didn't stop, he just slowed down a little.
The gentleman said "Stop or slow down, what's the difference?"
The cop pulled the guy out of the car and hit him with a nightstick for about a minute and then said, "Would you like for me to stop or just slow down?"
A man goes to school and learns stuff.
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around
with a fly swatter. "What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh!, Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females", he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
"3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
Q. Why are 1990 American dollar bills worth more
than 1989 American dollar bills?
A. One thousand nine hundred and ninety dollar
bills are worth one dollar more than one thousand
nine hundred and eighty-nine dollar bills.
A blonde woman in Georgia bought a magnolia tree from a local nursery but, after only a few months, its leaves shrivelled and it appeared to be on its last legs. She took some leaf samples back to the nursery and demanded an explanation.
"Oh, I know exactly what's wrong with your magnolia tree, ma'am," said the manager.
"Good," she replied. "What is it?"
"Autumn!" he said.
Ever notice that "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
What breaks up a redneck orgy?
When mom and dad/uncle arrive home too soon.
Yo momma so fat, when she goes swimming she gives the pool stretch marks!
Yo mama so fat when she sat on a rainbow skittles came out!
A father was at the beach with his children when his four-year-old daughter ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore, where a seagull lay dead in the sand.
"Daddy, what happened to him?" the daughter asked.
"He died and went to Heaven," the dad replied.
The little girl thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?"
A drunk guy stumbles into the bar and asks for a beer. The bartender says, "No way, you've had enough."
So the drunk leaves.
The drunk then enters the bar from the rear door and asks the bartender for a drink.
The bartender refuses and asks the drunk to leave.
The drunk comes back into the bar through the front door and asks for a drink.
The bartender says, "Listen, I'm not giving you a damn drink, you're already drunk enough."
The drunk says, "DAMN, MAN! How many bars do you work at?"