Roses are Red
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I'm schizophrenic
And so am I!
Medical
Welcome to the laugh factory!
We've parsed thousands of clean jokes, dad jokes, and puns to curate the absolute best 500+ into 20 categories. Check out some random highlights below, or pick a category!
CNN Found...
"CNN found that Hillary Clinton is the most admired woman in America. Women admire her because she's strong and successful. Men admire her because she allows her husband to cheat and get away with it."
- Jay Leno
Relationships
Somewhere in the Deep South...
Somewhere in the deep South, Bubba called an attorney and asked, "Is it true they're suing the cigarette companies for causing people to get cancer?"
"Yes, Bubba, that is true."
"And people are suing the fast food restaurants for making them fat and clogging their arteries with all them burgers and fries ... is that true, mister lawyer?"
"Sure is Bubba, but why do you ask?"
"Cause I was thinkin' .... maybe I can sue Budweiser for all them ugly women I've been wakin' up with!"
Legal
Rex
A horny old trapper named Rex
Liked the risks of wild porcupine sex.
By incredible luck
His dick never got stuck,
But his nuts were just pitiful wrecks.
Relationships
Why Fire Depts. have Dalmatians
A mother was driving her kids to school one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children began discussing the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.
"No," said another, "he's just for good luck."
A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."
Kids
Publishers
Q: How many publishers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to screw it in and two more to hold down the editor.
Lightbulb
Telephone Booth
Yo momma is so stupid that she gets lost in a telephone booth.
Yo Momma
Well-Hung
How do you tell when a lawyer is well-hung?
When you can't fit your fingers between the rope and his throat.
Legal
I'm Dreaming
A man went to a psychiatrist and explained his problem. "Two weeks ago I had a dream that I was a tippee. Then, the next day, I dreamt I was a wigwam. In my next dream, I was a teepee again, and this has been happening the whole too weeks! What's wrong with me, Doc?".
"It's simple. You're just two tents".
Misc
Existentialists
How many Existentialists does it take to change a light bulb?
What light bulb?
Lightbulb
Lightbulb
How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
I don't know. They can't get the dead one out.
Lightbulb
Caution: Cheesy Joke Ahead
An Irishman, a Scotsman, and an American walk into a bar.
The beginning of a cheesy joke?
You betcha.
Bar
Cholesterol
I drive way too fast to worry about my cholesterol.
One Liners
Waiter 3
Look here, waiter! How long must I wait for that half-duck I ordered?
Until somebody orders the other half. We can't go out and kill half a duck.
Bar
Skunk
What do you call a flying skunk?
A smell-icopter
Animals
Old Standards
Recently a family court judge was interviewing a 15 yr. old boy, asking him which parent he wanted to live with, his mother or father? The kid said he didn't want to live with either one -- that both of them beat him all the time. The kid said he wanted to live with the Dallas Cowboys -- they never beat anybody!
Sports
Frog #1
Q: Why are frogs so happy?
A: They eat whatever bugs them!
Animals
Things You Don't Like
They say one way to build character is to do things you don't want to do.
Every day I do two things I don't want to do: I get out of bed in the morning and go to bed at night!
One Liners
Geography Class
Teacher: What is the axis of the earth?
Student: The axis of the earth is an imaginary line which passes from one pole to the other, and on which the earth revolves.
Teacher: Very good. Now, could you hang clothes on that line?
Student: Yes, Sir.
Teacher: Indeed, and what sort of clothes?
Student: Imaginary clothes, Sir.
School
Lilac Crazy
The bartender at our golf club named a drink Lilac Crazy in honour of one of the members.
Every time the member came to the 19th hole, that's exactly what he did.
Sports
Rover
To the tune of "I'm Looking Over a Four Leaf Clover":
I'm looking over my dead dog Rover
That I ran over with the power mower
One leg is missing, another is gone
The third leg is scattered all over the lawn
No need explainin' the one remainin'
Is under the car port door
I'm looking over my dead dog Rover
That I overlooked before!
Animals
Books Never Written
Here are some books that should never be written:
Workaholism, by Anita Dayoff
Never Say Goodbye, by C.U. Latta
Crowd Control, by General Panic
Amazing Facts, by G. Willikers
The Last Supper, by M.T. Potts
Fast Food, by Eaton Run
The Bee Hive, by I. Ben Stung
Turn Off The Light, by Les Watts
Cattle Ranching, by Brandon D. Bull
Bullfighting Mistakes, by Gordon Bluddy
Puns
Report Card
SILVIA: Dad, can you write in the dark?
FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write?
SYLVIA: Your name on this report card.
Dad Jokes
Mom, What's Sex?
A little boy returning home from his first day at school said to his mother, "Mom, what's sex?"
His mother, who believed in all the most modern educational theories, gave him a detailed explanation, covering all aspects of the tricky subject.
When she had finished, the little lad produced an enrollment form which he had brought home from school and said, "Yes, but how am I going to get all that into this one little square?"
Kids