Up Yours!
The relatives of the family's rich dowager gathered for the reading of her will after her long-awaited death.
"Being of sound mind," read the lawyer, "I spent every last cent before I died."
Legal
Welcome to the laugh factory!
We've parsed thousands of clean jokes, dad jokes, and puns to curate the absolute best 500+ into 20 categories. Check out some random highlights below, or pick a category!
Coincidence or Medical Miracle
The discovery that Bush's resting heart rate is 43 has led some observers to speculate that this is the first time we've had a president with a heart rate that matches his IQ.
Programming
Limerick
There once was a man from Hybernia,
Who Rhymed himself into a hernia.
He became adept
At this practice except
For occasional anti-climaxes.
Misc
Round Room
How do you confuse a stupid person?
Put them in a round room and tell them to sit in the corner.
Misc
Baby Faces
You have a face like a baby, with a brain to match.
* Credited to my friend fqzeng.
Technology
Still More Clinton
Why does President Clinton invite so many ladies into his private study?
He wants to show them his executive branch.
Puns
Banana Split
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream
parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "Arthritis."
Medical
Ghosts
Why don't ghosts make good magicians?
You can see right through them!
One Liners
Moron
There was a big moron and a little moron, sitting on a ledge. The big moron fell off. Why?
Because the little moron was a little more on.
Puns
Exam was Okay ...
A blond finished his English exam and came out.
His friends asked him how did he do in his exam; he replied, "Exam was okay, but for the past tense of THINK, I thought, thought, thought ... and at last I wrote THUNK!"
School
Actors
How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one-they don't like to share the spotlight.
Lightbulb
Counting Cards
Teacher: Jimmy! Count from one all the way to ten!
Jimmy: 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10.
Teacher: Good, now what comes after that?
Jimmy:Jack, queen and king!
Kids
Golfing
Why does a man wear two pairs of pants when he goes golfing?
He might get a hole in one!
Deep Thoughts
The Self Screwers
How many lightbulbs does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
0. No lightbulbs want to torture their own kind!
Lightbulb
Pirates See Her
Yo Momma is so big that when pirates see her they say, "LAND HO!"
Yo Momma
Accountant Prayer
The accountant's prayer:
"Lord, help me be more relaxed about insignificant details, starting tomorrow at 10.53:16 am, Eastern Daylight Saving Time."
Technology
Fur Me
A mother and a daughter are shopping in the mall, when the mother eyes an expensive fur coat. "This year," she says, "I think that I will buy my present instead of making you and dad shop for me." The daughter protests, "But mom, some helpless, poor creature has to suffer so that you can have this."
"Don't worry honey," says the mother, "your father won't get the bill for a couple of weeks."
Animals
Fastfood
You might be a redneck if you think fast-food is hitting a dear at 65mph.
Food
Bosses v. Workers
When I take a long time, I am slow.
When my boss takes a long time, he is thorough.
When I don't do it, I am lazy.
When my boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.
When I do it without being told, I'm trying to be smart.
When my boss does the same, that is initiative.
When I please my boss, that's brown-nosing.
When my boss pleases his boss, that's co-operating.
When I do good, my boss never remembers.
When I do wrong, he never forgets.
Office
For the Road
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
Puns
Secret Service
A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside:
The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"
My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."
Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"
He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."
Technology
Leaves
A guy got on a bus one day and sat in the aisle seat beside an elderly lady. A few minutes later, he couldn't control himself and had to let loose a big noisy fart.
Embarrassed, he tried to make conversation with the lady and asked her "Do you by any chance have today's paper?"
The lady looked at him and said "No, but the next time we pass by a tree, I'll grab you a handful of leaves."
Food
Learning
BOB- We were learning about fractions today in math class.
JOE- Oh, really? What did you learn?
BOB- One half of what I was supposed to!
Kids
Exam Answer
Exam Question: Define courage.
Student Answer: This is.
School