The Idiot
Soccer Coach: Why didn't you stop the ball?
New Goalie: I thought that was what the net was for!
Sports
Welcome to the laugh factory!
We've parsed thousands of clean jokes, dad jokes, and puns to curate the absolute best 500+ into 20 categories. Check out some random highlights below, or pick a category!
Mirror
Why did the blonde keep a picture of herself in her room?
So she could use it as a mirror!
Misc
PMS
Your momma such a bitch, PMS cheers her up.
Yo Momma
13......13........13
A guy walks past a mental hospital and hears a moaning voice "13.......13.......13.........13" the man looked over to the hospital and saw a hole in the wall, he looked through the hole and gets poked in the eye. The moaning voice then groaned '14.........14.........14.......14.'
Medical
Judge
Q: What did judge say when the skunk came in the court ?
A: Odor in the court.
Legal
Sunday School
A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied, "They couldn't get a baby-sitter."
School
Interview
The executive was interviewing a young blonde for a position in his company. He wanted to find out something about her personality so he asked, "If you could have a conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be?"
The blonde quickly responded, "The living one."
Misc
The Cat In The Hat On Aging
I cannot see,
I cannot pee;
I cannot chew,
I cannot screw;
Oh, my God, what can I do?
My memory shrinks,
My hearing stinks,
No sense of smell -
I look like hell
My mood is bad - can you tell?
My body's drooping,
Have trouble pooping;
The Golden Years have come at last -
The Golden years can kiss my ass
Animals
The Circus of Congress
What do a circus and congress have in common?
They are both full of CLOWNS
Legal
Horse
Yo mama so fat she's got a real horse on her polo shirt.
Yo Momma
Lawyer
How many lawyers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None. They like to keep their clients in the dark!
Lightbulb
What is the square
What is the square root of 69?
Ate something (8....)
Misc
What Did the Bra Say...
What' did the bra say to the hat?
You go on ahead, I'll give these two a lift.
Puns
Plop Plop Plop
While on a game show, Justins had to identify a number of sounds. When she heard this: *laughter then plop, plop, plop* she identified it correctly right away. What did she say?
An audience laughing it's head off
Puns
Hunting
Your momma is so ugly when she walks through the woods during hunting season she wears a sign saying "DONT SHOOT! FROM THE FRONT I LOOK ALMOST HUMAN!"
Yo Momma
Walking
Your mama so big that people walk around her for exercise.
Yo Momma
Whos There?
knock knock,
who's there
animal
animal who?
animal i kin git lots of stuff
iffn i have ta money
Knock Knock
Sense
Sometimes people with a lot of cents have little sense.
Puns
Amoebas
How many amoebas does it take to change a light bulb?
1. No, 2, no, 4, no, 8, no, 16, 32, 64, 128 . . .
Lightbulb
Bathroom
One blonde was so dumb she got locked in a bathroom and pissed her self!
One Liners
Bats in the Belfry
Three ministers were talking about their common problem with bats in the belfry of the church.
The first minister said, "I shot at them with a shotgun, but it only spoiled the woodwork."
The second said, "I tried a more humane approach, netting them and releasing them 100 Km away. But they beat me back to the church!"
The third (who was looking pretty smug) said, "I caught them, and baptized and confirmed each one. I haven't seen them since."
Food
What are you having?
3 expecting mothers were talking in their doctors office, about the sex of their babies.
The first mother said, "I'm having a boy."
"How can you be so sure?" asked the other two.
"Well" said the first, "my husband was on top."
The second replied, "If that's the case then I'm having a girl because I was on top."
The third started to cry. The first two asked her what was wrong.
"I'm going to have a puppy" she replied.
Medical
Acquittal
"What possible reason can you have for acquitting this defendant?" the judge shouted at the jury.
"Insanity, Your Honour," replied the foreman.
"All TWELVE of you?" bellowed the judge.
Legal
Your Might Just be a Redneck If...
You might just be a redneck if your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.
Dad Jokes