Gay Bar
What do you call it when someone farts in a gay bar?
A love call.
Bar
Welcome to the laugh factory!
We've parsed thousands of clean jokes, dad jokes, and puns to curate the absolute best 500+ into 20 categories. Check out some random highlights below, or pick a category!
How to Serve Food in Space
Q: How do you serve food in space?
A: On flying saucers
Food
Leech
Q:What is the difference between a leech and a lawyer?
A:The leech stops sucking you dry after you're dead.
Legal
Well that's no good
All lazy peoples' slogan must be "The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."
But fear not for all of you who wake up early just keep this in mind:
The first cat gets the mouse.
Animals
Waiter 4
Customer: I see you have gravy on your menu today.
Waiter: Yes, sir. What would you like to have?
Customer: A clean menu!
Bar
Train
Lady : Is this my train?
Station Master : No, it belongs to the Railway Company.
Lady : Don't try to be funny. I mean, can I take this train to Kuala Lumpur?
Station Master : No Madam, I'm afraid it's too heavy.
Technology
Golf is a Hard Game to Figure.
Golf is a hard game to figure. One day you'll go out and slice it and shank it, hit it onto all the traps and miss every green. The next day you go out, and for no reason at all, you really stink.
Sports
Surgery
A man and his doctor are discussing a surgery the man will soon undergo. The doctor asks if there are any last questions.
"Doctor, will I be able to play my violin after this surgery?"
"Of course! Why would you think you couldn't?"
"I couldn't play it before."
Medical
Fred and the Priest
Fred had tried to be particularly careful about his language as he played golf with his priest. But on the twelfth hole, when he twice failed to hit out of a sand trap, he lost his resolve and let fly with a string of expletives.
The preacher felt obliged to respond. "I have observed," said he in a calm voice, "that the best golfers do not use foul language."
"I guess not, said Fred, "what the hell do they have to swear about?"
Technology
Swen
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Swen.
Swen who?
Swen are you going let me in!?
Knock Knock
Sky News
CLASSIC QUOTE: A quote from Sky News
"Umm Qasr is a city similar to Southampton," UK defence minister Geoff Hoon said in the Commons yesterday.
"He's either never been to Southampton, or he's never been to Umm Qasr," says a British squaddie patrolling Umm Qasr.
Another soldier added: "There's no beer, no prostitutes and people are shooting at us. It's more like Portsmouth."
Food
Mom was Cleaning the House...
Mom was cleaning the house when she found her son's hidden stash of S&M and sexual bondage magazines.
Naturally, she was very upset and she didn't know what to do. So, she waited until her husband got home to discuss it with him.
After she showed him the magazines, she asked him, "Well, what are you going to do about it?"
"I don't know what to do." he told her. "I really don't think I should give him a spanking for this!"
Relationships
Cannibal Family
A cannibal took his young son for a walk in the jungle. They came across a beautiful, naked girl lying asleep on the ground. The boy got excited and said, "Let's eat her now, Dad!"
But the father said, "No, I have a better idea. Let's bring her home and eat your mother."
Relationships
If at First...
If at first you don't succeed ... avoid skydiving.
One Liners
Stuipd Lines
A bag of Cheetos has a contest. It says "No Purchase neccesary" but the code is on the inside...
Programming
A Man
A man walked into a bar... and it hurt!
Bar
Wears the Tickets
A father and his son, Bobby, arrive at the game - and Dad can't find the tickets.
Dad: "Nip home and see if I left the tickets there."
Bobby: "No probs, Dad."
Half an hour later Bobby returns to his dad who is patiently waiting outside the stadium.
Bobby: "Yep, they're on the kitchen table where you left them."
Dad Jokes
News Flash
Today's school kids are spending less time at recess than their predecessors. Experts say if the trends continues, future Congressmen may not have enough experience goofing off.
School
AFRIKAANS JOKE (Toppunt Van Geraas)
Wat is die toppunt van geraas?
2 geraamtes wat woellig spyker op n sinkdak met n coke blikkie as n kondoom!
Puns
Snobby Lightbulbs
How many snobby girls does it take to change a lightbulb?
All of them, they try, break a nail, and come crying home.
Lightbulb
Hairdressers
Q: Why are hairdressers always on time?
A: Because they know all the short cuts!
Puns
Blondes & Santa
A dumb blonde, a smart blonde, and Santa Claus were invited to a party.
On the way, the dumb blonde's car broke down. The smart blonde missed the bus. Two of Santa Claus' reindeer ran away.
Who got to the party first?
The dumb blonde, because the other two don't exist!
Misc
What Shall I Wear Today?
Policeman to woman he's just stopped for speeding - "As soon as I saw you coming round the corner, I said to myself, 'Must be 55 at least'."
"It's this dress, officer - it always make me look older!"
Office
What are You Doing?
A man was seen walking through downtown with a desk strapped to his back, a typewriter under one arm, and a wastebasket under the other. He was stopped by a policeman, asked what he was doing, and arrested when he replied, . . . "Impersonating an office, sir!"
Puns