Chair
A man and wife are out shopping one day.
The wife turns to her husband and says; "Darling it's my mum's birthday tomorrow what shall we get her? Perhaps something electric?"
"A chair?" replies the husband.
Relationships
Welcome to the laugh factory!
We've parsed thousands of clean jokes, dad jokes, and puns to curate the absolute best 500+ into 20 categories. Check out some random highlights below, or pick a category!
Hillary Clinton Has Finished...
"Hillary Clinton has finished her memoirs for publication next year, while Bill has barely finished the first chapter. Well, in all fairness, Fiction is a lot harder to write."
- Jay Leno
Animals
Fat
Yo Mama's so fat the only thing stopping her from getting into Jenny Craig is the door!
Yo Momma
New Drink
This guy walks into a bar, sits down and asks the bartender, "Got any specials today?"
The bartender replies, "Yes, as a matter of fact, we have a new drink that was invented by a gynecologist who is a patron of ours. It's a mix of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer and Smirnoff vodka."
The guy asks, "Geez, what kind of drink is that?"Â
Â
The bartender responds, "We call it a Pabst Smir."
Puns
Boxing's not a sport: proof
Why is boxing a sport? If I beat someone up in an alley and someone sees it, I get arrested. If I beat someone up in an arena where thousands see it happen, I get cheered. I've done both. I like the alley better though.
Sports
Tom, the Fisherman,...
Tom, the fisherman, wrote the following to a mail order catalogue, "Please send me one of those gasoline engines for my boat you show on page 438, and if it's any good, I'll send you a check."
A few days later, Tom received the following reply, "Please send check. If it's any good, we'll send the engine."
Animals
Sobbing Jerry
Six-year-old Jerry came downstairs bellowing lustily. "What's the matter?" asked his mother. "Papa was hanging pictures, and he just
hit his thumb with a hammer," said Jerry. "That's not so serious," soothed his mother. "A big man like you shouldn't cry at a trifle like that. Why didn't you just laugh?" "I did," sobbed Jerry.
Kids
Camera
What's the difference between men and women?
Women zoom with a camera by walking closer or farther away; men just push the button!
Relationships
Breast Exam
A woman went in for a breast exam. The doctor said, "Have a seat. I have to numb your breasts first."
The woman said, "Okay."
So the doctor put his face between her breasts and said, "Numb, numb, numb, numb, numb."
Medical
Boogie
How do you make a Kleenex dance?
Put a little boogie in it!
Kids
Dyslexics
Dyslexics of the world, untie!
One Liners
The Ladder of Success
Harry and his neighbour Joe often borrowed things from each other. One day, Harry asked to borrow Joe's ladder.
Joe said, "Sorry Harry, I've lent it to my son."
Remembering a saying that his grandma often used to tell him, Harry said, "Joe, you should never lend anything to your children because you'll never get it back."
Joe replied, "Don't worry, it's not my ladder - it's my dad's."
Dad Jokes
Irish
Knock-knock!
Who's there?
Irish!
Irish who?
Irish I could think of a better joke!
Knock Knock
Doctor's Appointment
A blonde went to see her doctor for her annual checkup so the doctor gave her the once over.
At the end of the checkup he shone a light in her ear to have a look; amazed, he shook his head and walked away.
See below what the doctor had seen.
A big sign
SPACE FOR RENT.
Medical
Detention
Teacher: Joey, your behavior is terrible! How many more times am I going to have to keep you in after school?
Joey: 97.
Teacher: 97?
Joey: Yeah. That's how many days are left until the summer holidays.
Kids
Guy in a Bar
So, this guy walks into a bar.
And says, "ouch".
Bar
I'm Hungry!
One night, a few co-workers at the computer data centre stayed late and all started to feel hungry. They decided to order in food by phone, but their boss thought that, since they worked with computers, it would be more appropriate to order by Internet. After they contacted a fast food chain's web site and spent a long time registering as new customers for the delivery service, a message appeared on the screen: "Thank you for your business. You will be able to order food in three days."
Programming
Duck Hunting
Two blondes decide to go duck hunting. Neither one has ever been before, but they decide to go anyway. They take a couple of guns and a hunting dog and head out into the woods. A few hours later, they still haven't caught anything.
"I don't get it," says the first blonde. "Why haven't we caught anything yet?"
The second blonde says,"I keep telling you, I just don't think we're throwing the dog high enough."
Animals
Blood Circulation
Blood Circulation
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, he said, "Now, boys, if I stood on my head the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I should turn red in the face."
"Yes, sir," the boys said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
Little Johnny shouted, "'Cause yer feet ain't empty."
School
Bright
Why did the teacher have to put on her glasses during class?
Because the kids were to bright!
Kids
Who's There?
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Anita.
Anita who?
Anita really warm place to sleep tonight, it's cold out here.
Knock Knock
Cookie
Knock-Knock.
Who's There.
OMG
OMG who?
OMG! How long has that cookie been in your Lunch Box?!
Knock Knock
Look Out For Cops
A blonde and a brunette are out driving, and the brunette tells the blonde to look out for cops - especially cops with their lights on. After they've been driving for a while, the brunette asks the blonde if she's seen any cops.
"Yes," says the blonde.
"Are their lights on?"
The blonde has to think for a moment, then says, "Yes, no, yes, no, yes, no."
Misc
Triangles
Teacher: "Can someone tell me three kinds of triangles? Yes, Jimmy?"
Jimmy: "OK, so there's right, isosceles, and you, your husband, and the mailman."
The class laughed.
"OK, young man. Now you're going straight to the principal." said the teacher.
And the principal laughed too.
School