Pirates See Her
Yo Momma is so big that when pirates see her they say, "LAND HO!"
Yo Momma
Welcome to the laugh factory!
We've parsed thousands of clean jokes, dad jokes, and puns to curate the absolute best 500+ into 20 categories. Check out some random highlights below, or pick a category!
A Pen in Space
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 degrees Celsius.
The Russians used a pencil.
Misc
Spell Checker
I half a spelling checker,
It came with my pea sea;
It plainly marks four my revue,
Mistakes I kin not sea.
I've run this poem threw it,
I'm sure your please two no,
Its letter perfect in it's weigh,
My checker tolled me sew.
Technology
Smoking - No No!!
PLEASE DON'T SMOKE IN MY OFFICE!
I enjoy sex more than you enjoy smoking but you don't see me screwing in your office.
Office
President of the United States
A father, angry at his son for not doing well at school tells him, "At your age, George Washington was the best student in his class."
"Yeah dad..." replies the kid..."and at yours, he was the President of the United States!"
Dad Jokes
Long Time
Yo Mama's so stupid, it takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes!
Yo Momma
Golf Ball
A golf ball is a golf ball, no matter how you putt it.
Puns
A Lawer in a Ambulance!
Bob and Joe, a couple of personal injury lawyers, were discussing conditions in the legal profession. "How's business?" asked Bob.
"Absolutely rotten!" responded Joe. "How have you been doing?" "Even worse," Bob replied. "I just chased an ambulance twelve miles and found a LAWYER inside it."
Legal
Midwarf
Some people have friends who are dwarfs, not me I have a friend who is a midget dwarf. He is the guy who poses for the sport trophys
Medical
This is Meant to be Funny in a Stupid Way Again
Where does Batman's goldfish live ?
In the BAT-TUB!! ahahaha...
Animals
Barney Gets Off Easy
One day Barney was driving his "Drugmobile" down the street and a cop pulled him over, said; "Something screwy is goin' on here, hey don't I know you!" and was about to put handcuffs on Barney but, Barney quickly said: "Oh crap, there's a J-Walker" and ran away to his drug mobile.
The cop said: "Come here J-Walker".
"Works every time" Barney said as he drove away.
Bar
Always say a prayer
One evening, a little boy and his family were having supper at his grandma's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served.
When he received his plate, the little guy began eating right away.
"Wait until we a say a prayer," his mother admonished.
" I don't have to," he replied.
"Of course you do," his mother insisted. "We always say a prayer before eating at home."
"That's at home," he explained. "This is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook!!"
Kids
You
Knock knock.
Who's there?
You.
You who?
Yoo hoo, I'm right over here!
Knock Knock
IRISH SHOPPING
McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olive and placing it in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.
"S'cuse me," said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done, "what was that all about?"
"Nothin'," said the Irishman. "My wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!"
Relationships
WOMEN'S BUTT SIZE STUDY
There is a new study out about women and how they feel about their ass. I thought the results were pretty interesting:
85% of women think their ass is too big...
10% of women think their ass is too little...
The other 5% say that they don't care -- they love him and would have married him anyway.
Relationships
On the Other Hand
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
One Liners
Grab the Nuts
Daddy: Get the Nuts son
Bobby: Yes Dad
Daddy: Ouch!
Dad Jokes
Lottery
Lottery, a tax on people who can't do math
One Liners
Nurse Nurse
Veronica: Nurse, I am losing my hair!
Nurse: Okay, what size paper bag do you need?
Medical
Who Who?
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Who who.
Who who who?
Is there an owl in here?
Knock Knock
Cat's Tail
Mom (Reprimandingly): Julia! How many times must I tell you not to pull the cat's tail?
Julia (Innocently): But Mom, I'm only holding the tail. It's the cat that's doing the pulling.
Kids
Birth Control
You were so ugly as a baby you were the poster child on the birth control posters.
One Liners
A Frenchman, a German and a Jew
A Frenchman, a German and a Jew walk into a bar. "I'm tired and thirsty," says the Frenchman. "I must have wine." "I'm tired and thirsty," says the German. "I must have beer." "I'm tired and thirsty," says the Jew. "I must have diabetes."
Bar
Learn To Keep Time
A musician who joined an orchestra on a cruise ship was having difficulty keeping time with the rest of the band.
Finally, the captain said, "Either you learn to keep time or I'll throw you overboard. . . . It's up to you, sync or swim."
Puns