Why is It?
Why is it that every time we blow our noses, we look inside the tissue afterwards?
Are we expecting something other than boogers? Or are we checking to make sure they have not run off?
Deep Thoughts
Welcome to the laugh factory!
We've parsed thousands of clean jokes, dad jokes, and puns to curate the absolute best 500+ into 20 categories. Check out some random highlights below, or pick a category!
Frayed
Knock-Knock!
Who's there?
Frayed.
Frayed who?
Frayed no one's going to answer the door.
Knock Knock
Tips on Pill Taking
Never ever take a sleeping pill and a laxative in the same night.
One Liners
Michael Jackson
What do Michael Jackson and plastic bags have in common?
They are both made out of plastic and are dangerous for children to play with.
Kids
The Gwyniss Book of Records
A Welsh girl called Gwyneth visited Japan recently. There, people had problems pronouncing her name so she became Gwyniss. Everywhere she went, she was greeted with tremendous respect. At a farewell reception, her host said, "We've been so excited to have a famous author in our midst." "What am I supposed to have written?" she asked, baffled.
"Why, The Gwyniss Book of Records."
Knock Knock
Perform a Specified Task
How many members of a certain demographic group does it take to perform a specified task?
A finite number: one to perform the task and the remainder to act in a manner stereotypical of the group in question.
Lightbulb
Generic Equivalent
In pharmacology, all drugs have generic names:
Tylenol is acetaminophen,
Advil is ibuprofen, & so on.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra and
announced today that they have settled on mycoxafailin.
Also considered were mycoxafloppin, mydixadrupin and mydixarizin.
Medical
Blowing Up Blonds
Q: Why is it okay for blondes to catch a cold?
A: No need for them to worry about blowing their brains out.
Deep Thoughts
Why Are.....
Why are constipated people so mean and rude?
..because they don't give a crap!
Misc
Little Red Riding Hood
One day Little Red Riding Hood was walking in the woods. She put her head between some bushes and suddenly she sees the wolf with his eyes wide open and red.
She asks him, "Why are your eyes so big, wolf?"
The wolf answers, "Shut up and let me shit in peace!"
Animals
Rover
To the tune of "I'm Looking Over a Four Leaf Clover":
I'm looking over my dead dog Rover
That I ran over with the power mower
One leg is missing, another is gone
The third leg is scattered all over the lawn
No need explainin' the one remainin'
Is under the car port door
I'm looking over my dead dog Rover
That I overlooked before!
Animals
My Car and My Dog
One day, after I took my dog to the vet, I stopped off at the grocery store to pick up some milk. So I left my dog in the car with the window rolled down so she could breathe. Because my dog is small, she could fit through the window of the car, but she is well trained enough to follow my commands. So I told her, "Stay. Stay there, don't move. Staaay."
A man loading his car with groceries next to me said, "You know, usually, I just put it in park!"
Food
Occupation Punchlines
Here are some favorite sayings from people all over the world.
Doctor: Oops.
Secretary: I'm pregnant!
Travel Agent: I know what you did last summer...
Michael Jackson: I didn't do it!
Bill Clinton: I didn't do it! Oh wait...Yes, I did.
Computer Programmer: H0w d0 y0u w0rk th15 "Ch355" g4m3?? 1 N33D H3LP!!!111//
Pilot: Are we there yet?
Mad Scientist: I like Cows!
Cell Phone Tester: Can you hear me now?
Video Gamer: Can the line lag any further?
Programming
False Teeth
Knock Knock!
Who's There?
Dishwasher.
Dishwasher Who?
Dishwasher whay I sphoke vhefore I hafe fawse feeth
(This was the way I spoke before I had false teeth)
Knock Knock
The Wizard
So there's this Wizard who worked in a factory. Everything was satisfactory except that certain miscreants, taking advantage of his good nature, would steal his parking spot.
This continued until he put up the following sign:
"This parking space belongs to the Wizard. ... Violators will be toad."
Puns
A Spelling Lesson
Little Johnny kept spelling the word "went" wrong, instead he spelt "whent". His teacher, who was very fusterated, decided to keep him after class to spell "went" 100 times.
The next day she comes into the classroom, thinking he learned his lesson, and sees the whole board is full of the word "went".
But at the end...
"I wrote "went" 50 times, then I ran out of space, so I whent home"
Kids
Shingles
How many lawyers does it take to shingle the roof of a house?
It depends on how thin you slice 'em.
Legal
Make a Sentence
Children were called upon in a classroom to make sentences with words chosen by the teacher. The teacher smiled when Jack raised his hand to participate. She gave him the words 'defeat', 'deduct', 'defence' and 'detail'. Jack stood seriously for a while with all eyes focused on him awaiting his reply.
"Defeat of Deduct went over defence before detail!"
Kids
Chain Link Fence
Why do blondes climb chain-link fences?
To see what's on the other side.
Technology
Dentists
How do the kids of dentists get around the neighborhood?
On Molar-Skates
Kids
Pregnant?
Once, a teacher was showing a child a picture of a firefighter taking a child out of a burning building. The teacher asked what that was. The child replied,"A pregnant firefighter." Instead of scolding him, she calmly asked,"Do you know what pregnant means?" The little boy just said, "Yes, it means to be carrying a child."
Kids
Owls
Knock-knock
Who's there
Who
Who who
I don't know what the heck your talking about but good owl impression.
Knock Knock
Bigfoot and a Blonde
What's the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot?
Maybe someday we'll find Bigfoot.
Misc
The Doughnut Seller
Visitor : "Knock knock?"
Worker: "Who's there?"
Visitor : "Doughnut Man."
Worker: "Doughnut Man who?"
Visitor : "For the last time, do not (doughnut) bother me with your useless 'Knock-Knock' jokes!"
Worker: "But you started it!"
Knock Knock