Smile!
Why does a blonde smile at lightning?
She thinks she's getting her picture taken.
Deep Thoughts
Welcome to the laugh factory!
We've parsed thousands of clean jokes, dad jokes, and puns to curate the absolute best 500+ into 20 categories. Check out some random highlights below, or pick a category!
A Level Playing Field!
The judge summoned the opposing lawyers to his chambers.
Confronting the lawyers, the judge said: "Each of you has presented me with a bribe."
The lawyers squirmed uncomfortably.
"Mr. Hearnski, you gave me $15,000. Mr. Joy, you gave me $10,000."
The judge then handed a check to attorney Hearnski.
"Now then, I'm returning $5,000 to Mr. Hearnski and we'll decide this case solely on its merits!"
Legal
Rise and Shine
A mother complained to a doctor about her daughter's
strange eating habits. "All day long she lies in bed
and eats yeast and car wax. What will happen to her?"
"Don't worry," said the doctor. "Eventually, she'll
rise and shine.
Puns
Water Buffalo
What's the difference between yo mamma and a water buffalo?
About 20 pounds!
How do you even out the difference?
Either force feed the buffalo or shave your mom.
Yo Momma
Good Egg
Whats the difference between a good egg and a good fart?
You can't beat a good fart!
Medical
Nipples
Q - Why do women have nipples?
A - Because, if they didn't, boobs would be pointless
Medical
Door Knob
A blonde is like a door knob, everyone gets a turn!
One Liners
Olympic Games
A runner going to participate in the Olympic games had a dream, that he was driving a quadriga. Early in the morning he goes to a fortune-teller for explanation of the dream. The reply is:
-You will win, that meant the speed and the strength of the horses.
But, to be sure about this, the runner visits another fortune-teller. This one replies:
-You will lose. Don't you understand, that four ones came before you?
Sports
Restaurants
Yo mama is so stupid she stole a free sample.
Yo Momma
Jack and the Phone Call
Jack locked up his bar and headed home. He'd been asleep a few minutes when the telephone rang.
"What time do you open in the morning?" he heard an obviously inebriated man inquire.
Furious, Jack slammed the phone down and went back to sleep. But the same guy called again.
" You might as well stop calling," Jack shouted." There's no way I'm letting a drunk like you into my bar!" "I don't want to get in," the caller interjected."I want to get out!"
Bar
Speed Limit
Q.What is the speed limit for sex?
A. 68, at 69 you have to turn around!
Misc
Publishers
Q: How many publishers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to screw it in and two more to hold down the editor.
Lightbulb
Laundry
A blonde buys a box of laundry detergent, and it says on the box, "20 uses".
A day later, the blonde calls the laundry detergent company and says, "I bought your product and the box says '20 uses', but all it does is my laundry!"
Misc
Tell The Truth
Boss (to the new employee): We are very keen on cleanliness. Did you wipe your feet on the mat as you came in?
New employee: Yes, sir.
Boss: We are also keen on truthfulness. There is no mat.
Office
Cross the Road #1
Q: What did the chicken say after it crossed the road?
A: "Why is everyone always talking about me?"
Food
Six Most Important Men in a Women's Life
Six Most Important Men in a Woman's Life
THE DOCTOR, because he says, "Take your clothes off."
THE DENTIST, because he says, "Open wide."
THE HAIRDRESSER, because he says, "Do you want them teased or blown?"
THE MILKMAN, because he says, "Do you want it in the back or in the front?"
THE INTERIOR DECORATOR, because he says, "Once it's in you'll love it."
THE BANKER, because he says, "If you take it out too soon you'll lose interest."
Relationships
Be Kind
Bumper sticker: BE KIND TO ANIMALS. HUG A HOCKEY PLAYER.
Sports
I'm Telling on You
What do you say to a person who says that they are going to tell on you?
You say: Too late, I already told.
Misc
Car Salesmen
Q. How many car salesmen does it take to change a light bulb?
A. I'm just going to work this out on my calculator, and I think you're going to be pleasantly surprised.
Lightbulb
Spining Peas
What do you get when you see peas spinning in circles?
World Peace (whirled peas)
Misc
Happy Birthday To You!
It is proven that the celebration of birthdays is healthy. Statistics show that those people who celebrate the most birthdays become the oldest. - S. den Hartog, Ph D. Thesis Universtity of Groningen.
Medical
Vaseline
And out of the night came the terrible scream,
"Who put the sand in the Vaseline!?"
One Liners
I'm Hungry!
One night, a few co-workers at the computer data centre stayed late and all started to feel hungry. They decided to order in food by phone, but their boss thought that, since they worked with computers, it would be more appropriate to order by Internet. After they contacted a fast food chain's web site and spent a long time registering as new customers for the delivery service, a message appeared on the screen: "Thank you for your business. You will be able to order food in three days."
Programming
Ugly Baby
I was soooo ugly when I was born that my mum got morning sickness after I was born.
The doctor came in to the waiting room after I was born and told my dad, "We did everything we could, but he pulled through."
I've never been able to understand why my bath toys were a radio and a toaster.
And when I play in the sandpit, the cat always covers me up.
Kids