Chain Link Fence
Why do blondes climb chain-link fences?
To see what's on the other side.
Misc
Welcome to the laugh factory!
We've parsed thousands of clean jokes, dad jokes, and puns to curate the absolute best 500+ into 20 categories. Check out some random highlights below, or pick a category!
Two Guys are Moving About...
Two guys are moving about in a Walmart when their carts collide.
One says to the other, "Excuse me, but I'm looking for my wife."
"What a coincidence, so am I, and I'm getting a little desperate."
"Well, maybe I can help you. What does your wife look like?"
"She's tall, with dark hair, long legs, firm boobs, and a tight ass.
What's your wife look like?"
"Never mind, let's look for yours!
Relationships
Says
Knock-knock
Whose there?
Says
Says who?
Says me
Knock Knock
OOPS
A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.
"I'm O.K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery," he answered.
"What did he say?" asked the nurse.
"OOPS!"
Medical
Milk Carton
Yo Mama is so fat that when she ran away they had to use all four sides of the milk carton.
Yo Momma
Wave
Yo mama's so dumb, she drowned during the wave at the football stadium.
Yo Momma
Two Carrots
Two carrots are walking down the street one day when a car suddenly comes flying around the corner and runs one of them over.
At the hospital, the doctor says to the other carrot, "I have good news and bad news. The good news is your friend is going to live. The bad news is he'll be a vegetable for the rest of his life."
Puns
Research
Two scientists were discussing their latest behaviour-modification research. "We've started something new," said the first scientist. "For some of our more dangerous experiments, we're now using lawyers."
"Lawyers?" questioned her colleague. "But we've always used rats."
"Well, you know how it is. You get so attached to the rats."
Legal
William Tell
It's a little known fact that William Tell and his son were avid bowlers as well as archery buffs. Unfortunately, all the league records were destroyed in a fire, so it may never be known for whom the Tells bowled.
Puns
The Cab Driver
A preacher dies, and when he gets to Heaven, he sees a New York cab driver who has more crowns. He says to an angel, "I don't get it. I devoted my whole life to my congregation." The angel says, "We reward results. Did your congregation always pay attention when you gave a sermon?" The preacher says, "Once in a while someone fell asleep." The angel says, "Right. And when people rode in this guy's taxi, they not only stayed awake, but they usually prayed!"
Misc
The Gwyniss Book of Records
A Welsh girl called Gwyneth visited Japan recently. There, people had problems pronouncing her name so she became Gwyniss. Everywhere she went, she was greeted with tremendous respect. At a farewell reception, her host said, "We've been so excited to have a famous author in our midst." "What am I supposed to have written?" she asked, baffled.
"Why, The Gwyniss Book of Records."
Knock Knock
You Did It Again!
Kid 1: You did it again!
Kid 2: What? What did I do?
Kid 1: You know, that thing.
Kid 2: What thing?
Kid 1: That thing when your lips move and sound comes out.
Kids
Free Tickets
Q: How do you get free tickets to a concert fast?
A: Bring a gun to the box-office.
Office
Certification....
How many men does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One, but it takes a certified electrician to make it work.
Lightbulb
Mice
How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two (think about it)
Lightbulb
Eminem/ M & M
Eminem/ M & M:
I don't like the rapper, but I like the candy inside the wrapper.
Puns
tv's
Yo Dad said to yo mama, "We're getting a color TV!" and yo mama asked, "What color?"
Yo Momma
Saturns Rings
Yo mama is so fat she used Saturn's rings as hoola-hoops!
Yo Momma
Little Johnny
At Sunday School, they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny, a child in the kindergarten class, seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.
Later in the week, his mother noticed him lying as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny, what is the matter?"
Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."
Kids
OK!
Your mother's so fat, when she goes to a restaurant she looks at the menu and says, "OK"!
Yo Momma
You Know You're a Redneck
1. You know you're a redneck when you go out with your girlfriend and you don't realize she has her other boyfriend with her.
2. You know you're a redneck when you use a barstool as a walker.
3. You know you're a redneck when your mowing your lawn and you find a car.
4. You know you're a redneck when you fall asleep with one hand down your pants and a beer in the other hand.
Bar
Beach
Your mama so fat that when she goes swimming in the ocean all the whales start singing, "We are familly even though you fatter than me".
Yo Momma
Classic
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Poop!
Knock Knock
If Wives Were Newspapers...
WIFE : " I wish I was a newspaper, so I'd be in your hands all day."
HUSBAND : " I too wish that you were a newspaper, so I could have a new one everyday!"
Relationships