Unlucky
My granddad was a very unlucky man.
He made a soft drink, and called it 1-up, but it didn't sell.
He made another, called it 2-up, which also didn't sell.
He tried yet another, called it 3-up.
He got to 6-up, and quit.
Dad Jokes
Welcome to the laugh factory!
We've parsed thousands of clean jokes, dad jokes, and puns to curate the absolute best 500+ into 20 categories. Check out some random highlights below, or pick a category!
Piglet and the Toilet
Q: Why did piglet look in the toilet?
A: He was looking for Pooh (poo)
Misc
Nudist Colony
Two men were sitting by the swimming pool at a nudist colony when they noticed a beautiful young woman walking towards the pool. Her tan lines traced the outline of a tiny bathing suit with elaborately criss-crossed straps across the back.
"I'll bet she looks great in that suit," one of the men said wistfully.
Relationships
Physical
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the
doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?" Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc, 'Get a hot momma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'"
Medical
Now Get Your Mind Out of the Gutter....
I shall seek and find you,
I shall take you to bed and have my way with you,
I will make you ache, shake, and sweat until you moan and groan.
I will make you beg for mercy, you will beg for me to stop.
I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm finished with you.
You will be weak for days.
You have been warned, my love, by...
THE FLU!!
Now get your mind out of the gutter and go get a flu shot.
Medical
Iron this!
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."
She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".
Technology
Hunted
Bob and Bo are hunting. Bob had a sever case of diarrhea so he decided to stay and rest up. Bo goes out and kills a big deer and guts it. He then thinks it would be funny if he laid the deers guts in Bob's sleeping bag so he does and goes to sleep. Then he wakes up the next morning and see's that Bob and the guts are gone. Then he notices Bob and asks how's he feeling. Bob says, "My diarrhea was so bad I crapped my guts out but with God's grace and these two fingers I got them all back in."
Technology
You
Knock knock.
Who's there?
You.
You who?
Yoo hoo, I'm right over here!
Knock Knock
Ugh
A lawyer in Basic Math class
"What is two plus two?"
"Well, first let us decide the parties. The first two is party A. Now first, where are the signatures that my client two WANTS to be added to the party B, two. I see no signatures, and therefore the two twos shan't be together until further paperwork is done. Two and two remain separate, CASE CLOSED!"
Legal
Stakes
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
"No," he said, "the steaks are too high."
Puns
Skunk
A married couple are driving along when they see a wounded skunk on the side of the road. They stop, the wife gets out, picks it up, and brings it into the car. She says, "Look, it's shivering, it must be cold. What should I do?"
Her husband replies, "Put it between your legs to keep it warm."
She asks,
"What about the smell?"
He says, "Hold its nose."
Relationships
Who Saw It?
FOREST WARDEN: "Which of you saw this rare tree get cut down?
CAMPER: "Only the chain saw."
Puns
The Top 10 Reasons Why Hillary Wants to be President:
10. She wants her own intern.
9. She wants to complete her china and silver collection.
8. Brother-in-law Roger needs another pardon.
7. She wants to lease the Lincoln Bedroom to Marc Rich.
6. She wants to rename Camp David to Camp Denise.
5. She wants to pick up the rest of the furniture.
4. She wants to return to public housing.
3. She wants the top floor of the Trump Tower when she leaves.
2. She misses her hairdresser.
1. Bill needs a pardon.
Technology
Remembering Important Dates
"You don't have anything in your head except soccer," said a wife to her husband. "I'm sure you've even forgotten when we got married!"
"Of course I haven't forgotten," replied the husband. "That was the day England beat Italy 2-1."
Relationships
Treasure
Yo Mama's so ugly, just after she was born, her mother said, "What a treasure!" and her dad said, "Yeah! Let's go bury it!"
Yo Momma
Another Question...
If love is blind is then why is lingerie so popular?
Relationships
Poet
A backward poet writes inverse.
Puns
South African Football
Virgin Mobile wanted to sponsor the national team. SAFA (South African Footballing Association) refused to let it happen. They said, "How will it look if the team has Virgin written on their shirts when they get f****d up every other weekend?"
Sports
Friday the 13th
BOB- It's Friday the 13th. Do you have any superstitions?
GEORGE- I think it's unlucky to have superstitions.
Puns
Pantyhose Quiz
Q: How many animals can you fit into a pair of pantyhose?
Now, think about it.....
Ready???
ARE YOU SURE???
A: 10 little piggies, 2 calves, 1 ass, 1 beaver, an unknown number of hares, and a fish no one can find.
Deep Thoughts
How Many Presidents...
How many presidents does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They'll only promise change.
Lightbulb
Birth Control
Q. Have you heard about the new 'Mint flavored birth control pill for women that they take immediately before sex?
A. They're called Predicaments
Puns
Hatch
Knock Knock??
who's there?
Hatch
Hatch-who?
Bless you
Knock Knock
Marble, Stone, They're All the Same!
What did the statue say to the other after a break-up and make-up?
I'm sorry I took you for granite. (granted)
hahahaha
Puns