The ultimate premium-curated joke collection
We've parsed thousands of clean jokes, dad jokes, and puns to curate the absolute best 500+ into 20 categories. Check out some random highlights below, or pick a category!
Zack and his mule were walking down the road when one of Zack's friends drove up and offered him a ride to town. Zack got into the truck while his mule ran along behind. The mule was right in back of them as they reached 55, and stayed with them as they sped up to 70.
"I'm worried about your mule," said the driver, "his tongue's hanging out."
"Which way?" asked Zack.
"Left," his friend said.
"Well, stay in this lane - he's about to pass." shouted Zack.
Did you hear about the woman who poured margaritas in her birdbath? Enough tequila mockingbird.
Yo mama so dumb, she tried to spell out the alphabet with M&M's.
- How many blonds do you need to change a lightbulb ?
- Hundred. One holds the lightbulb and the other ninety nine rotates the house.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
He.
He who?
He who must not be named, so don't say it!
A wealthy man had a falling out with his two sons. It was serious enough that he decided to change his will.
At his lawyer's office, he threw his will on the table and said, "This needs an heircut."
Yo' Mama's teeth are so yellow, her tonsils have to wear sunglasses.
A blonde and brunette jump off a cliff at the same time. Why did the brunette hit the floor before the blonde?
The blonde asked for directions!
The Romans had to give up their big holidays because of the tremendous overhead. The lions ate up all of their prophets.
How many scientists does it take to screw in a lightbulb???
None, they will just have there robot do it.
Wilfred had just learned his abc's and was very scared of doing them in front of the class. The teacher, though, told him that the best way to conquer his fears would be to just go ahead and do it. So, trembling, he stood in front of the class and began.
"ABCDEFGHIJLKMNOQRSTUVWXYZ."
"Very good, Wilfred. But you forgot the P. Where's the P?
"It's running down my leg."
Salary Increase
"I must have a raise," the man said to his boss. "There are three other companies after me."
"Really?" the boss asked. "What other companies are after you?"
"The gas company, the telephone company, and the electricity company," the man replied.
Yo momma so fat, when she walks in front of the T.V., you miss 5 minutes of your show!
Did you hear the one about the Polish wolf?
He chewed off three legs and was still caught in the trap.
An elderly gentleman went to see his doctor and asked for a prescription of Viagra.
The doctor said, "That's no problem. How many do you want?"
The man answered, "Just a few, maybe 4, but cut each one in 4 pieces."
The doctor said, "That won't do you any good."
The elderly gentleman said, "That's all right. I don't need them for sex any more as I am over 90 years old. I just want
it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my shoes."
This is the epitaph on the gravestone of an army mule:
Here lies Maggie, who in her time kicked two colonels, four majors, ten captains, twenty-four lieutenants, forty-two sergeants, four hundred eighty-six privates, and one bomb.
This was set up by Google. Enjoy!
Please do the following:
1. Open Google.
2. Type "failure".
3. Click: I'm Feeling Lucky.
4. Enjoy!
What do you call a movie about a man trying to make a blond smart?
Mission Impossible
If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
Lorena Bobbitt's sister Louella was arrested yesterday for an alleged attempt to perform the same act on her husband as her famous sister had done several years ago. Sources reveal the sister was not as accurate as Lorena.
She allegedly missed the target and stabbed her husband in the upper thigh causing severe muscle and tendon damage. The husband is reported to be in serious, but stable condition and Louella has been charged with a....
Misdewiener
One night a man and his wife were lying in bed and she was complaining that his penis was small and asked why he didn't do something about it.
The next night thay were in bed and she reached between his legs and gasped, "How did it get so big?"
Husband said, "Simple, I went to the hospital and had an operation."
The wife replied, "What kind of operation?"
The husband said, "I had an addadicktome!"
An Irish man walks into a bar. The bartender looks at him and notices he has a steering wheel stuck down the front of his pants. "Hey," he says, "What's with the steering wheel down your pants?" "Ach," says the Irish man, "it's drivin' me nuts!"
While visiting a relative in Chicago, a University of Alabama student went to a party where he met a very attractive co-ed. Attempting to strike up a conversation with her, he asked, "Where does you go to school?"
The co-ed, not at all impressed with his grammar or southern drawl, thought she would at least be polite and answer.
"Yale," she said.
Taking a deep breath, the UA student shouted, "I says, where does you go to school?"
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide!