Weird Weddings
NAMES OF ACTUAL COUPLES GETTING MARRIED:
Broken-Bridge
Sarry-Huney
Big-Theisman
Lossin-Hare
Redder-Bottum
CAN'T WAIT TO SEE HOW LONG THOSE COUPLES LAST!
Relationships
Welcome to the laugh factory!
We've parsed thousands of clean jokes, dad jokes, and puns to curate the absolute best 500+ into 20 categories. Check out some random highlights below, or pick a category!
Funny!
How do turtles talk to each other?
Shellphones!
Animals
Did You?
Bobby-Hey do you remember what the teacher said in fourth hour?
Jessica-?--------???
Bobby-Did you just have a blonde moment?
School
Karate
"Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world."
-Dave Barry
One Liners
New Principal
The new principal was talking to the teachers.
"Now, listen, my name is Mr. Prenis, with an "R". Please don't forget to spell it out clearly, so that the students dont laugh and such..."
The teachers assure him that they will remember it, and they go out to adress the students.
One of the male teachers steps up to the podium, and speaks into the microphone:
"Welcome, students, to another year at Rearview Elementary. I would like you to welcome your new principal, Mr. Crock..."
School
5 Counterproductive Pick-Up Lines
1) If you and I were squirrels, I could bust a nut in your hole.
2) How do you like your eggs: fried, scrambled or fertilized?
3) My love for you is like diarrhea; I just can't hold it in.
4) If your right leg was Thanksgiving, and your left leg was Christmas, then could I meet you between the holidays?
5) How about we play lion and lion tamer? You hold your mouth open, and I'll give you the meat.
Food
Ice Hockey
What happened to the blonde ice hockey team?
They drowned in spring training.
Technology
Class of 2006
Having just graduated from Harvard, the young man was very excited thinking about his future. Getting into a taxi, the driver says to him, "How are you on this beautiful, sunny day?"
"I'm the class of 2006. I just graduated from Harvard and I'm very excited about getting out there and seeing what the world has in store for me!"
The driver shakes the young man's hand and replies, "Congratulations, young man. I'm George, class of 1968."
School
Dictionary
A man was searching the dictionary for the word 'Dictionary'. He found this meaning: Dictionary is the thing you are holding, Stupid. Wondering what the definition of stupid was, he searched for the word stupid, he found: Is that you again?
Deep Thoughts
Indecent
You're so ugly when you go outside your arrested for indecent exposure.
One Liners
747 Full of Lawers
Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers?
He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.
Legal
You Know You Are in a Redneck Church When...
You Know You Are in a Redneck Church When...
People wonder, when Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish.
Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.
The choir group is known as the "OK Chorale".
Four generations of the same family sit together in worship.
Baptism is referred to as "branding".
People think "rapture" is when you lift something too heavy.
The final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now, yah hear?"
Deep Thoughts
Factory
Yo Mama so stupid, she got fired at the M & M factory because she threw out all the W's!
Yo Momma
Telegram
A man, fond of practical jokes, decided late one night to send his friend a collect telegram which read, "I am perfectly well."
A week later, the joker received a heavy parcel - collect - on which he had to pay considerable charges. Upon opening it, he found a big block of concrete which had this message, "This is the weight your telegram lifted from my mind."
Misc
Around the House
You're so fat, when you sit around the house, you really sit around the house.
One Liners
HIGHER POWER
A Sunday school teacher said to her children, "We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a higher power. Can anybody tell me what it is?"
One child blurted out, "Aces!"
School
Charity Begins at Home!
Did you hear about the thieves that broke into the United Jewish Appeal offices?
They got away with over a million dollars in pledges!
Office
Well Rounded Church
There was a congregation that decided to have four worship services each Sunday. There was one for those new to the faith. Another for those who liked traditional worship. One for those who had lost their faith and would like to get it back. And another for those who had a bad experience with church and were complaining about it. They have names for each of the services: "Finders, Keepers, Losers, Weepers."
Puns
YOO
Knock-Knock.
Who's there?
Yoo who?
No thanks.
Knock Knock
Dick
If you were a boy and your parents named you dick.
Wouldn't you be embarassed and change your name officially?
Bar
Chicken
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get away from KFC
Food
You've All Heard of TGIF...
You've all heard of TGIF - Thank God It's Friday, right?
Well my Secretary refers to Friday as POETS day...
Piss Off Early, Tomorrow's Saturday....!!!
Misc
Roof Tops
A drunken man was wondering around the parking lot of a bar, bumping into then rubbing the roofs of
the cars.
The manager comes out of the bar and stops the guy. "What the heck are you doing?" he asks the drunk.
"I'm looking for my car, and I can't find it." he replies.
"So how does feeling the roof help you?" asks the puzzled manager.
"Well," replies the drunk earnestly, "My car has two blue lights and a siren on the roof!".
Bar
Sobbing Jerry
Six-year-old Jerry came downstairs bellowing lustily. "What's the matter?" asked his mother. "Papa was hanging pictures, and he just
hit his thumb with a hammer," said Jerry. "That's not so serious," soothed his mother. "A big man like you shouldn't cry at a trifle like that. Why didn't you just laugh?" "I did," sobbed Jerry.
Kids