Attention Students!
Students... Take Note:
Knowledge is power ...
But power corrupts ...
And corruption is a crime ...
And crime doesn't pay ...
So if you keep on studying you'll go broke!
School
Welcome to the laugh factory!
We've parsed thousands of clean jokes, dad jokes, and puns to curate the absolute best 500+ into 20 categories. Check out some random highlights below, or pick a category!
Wooden Eye
When I was in high school I had a friend who had a wooden eye (this was a long time ago). He was very insecure about it. Come senior year he didn't have a date for the Prom. There was a beautiful girl he liked, but had a hairlip (this gave her an extreme lisp) we decided to set them up. He goes up to her and asks her out to the Prom. She said, "Oh, wouldn't I, wouldn't I?" and he said, "Hairlip, hairlip." and they never spoke again.
Puns
What is the Difference?
What is the difference between a drunk and a druggie? Drunks run a stop sign and druggies stop at it and wait till it turns green.
Technology
Chicken Killer
Why didn't the chicken cross the road?
Because he was attempting to cross it when yo mamma got hungry.
Yo Momma
My Neighbor
My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper.
I told him rabies could be cured and he didn't have to worry about a will.
He said, "Will? What will? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite."
Animals
Quarter Back
Why did the coach go to the bank?
To get his quarter back!
Sports
Bill Clinton
What does Monica Lewinski and a coin machine have in common?
insert bill here!
Misc
Childlike
A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt."
His son asked, "What happened to the flea?"
Kids
Yogurt
Two cartons of yogurt walk into a bar. The bartender, a tub of cottage chesse, says to them, "We don't serve your kind in here." One of the yogurt cartons says back to him, "Why not? We're cultured individuals."
Bar
Pouring In
Delta Airlines recently introduced a special half-fare rate for wives accompanying their husbands on business trips. Anticipating some valuable testimonials, the publicity department of the airline sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who used the special rates, asking them how they enjoyed their trip.
Responses are still pouring in asking, "What trip?"
Relationships
Playstation
Yo mama's so dumb, she thought that a Playstation was a day care place.
Yo Momma
Yesterday, I Heard ...
Yesterday, I heard from a drug rep for Glaxo who told me that they are on the verge of launching a new herbal remedy that they think will take the market by storm. This drug sounds so promising that I want to suggest to my friends that they consider buying stock in the company.
The drug is called Gingko Viagra, and its function is to help you remember what the fuck you are doing.
Medical
New Born Babe
Two elderly Wal-Mart greeters were sitting on a bench during break time and one turns to the other saying, "Slim, I'm 73 years old and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age; how do you feel?"
Slim says, "I feel just like a new born babe."
Rather amazed at this reply, Slim's co-worker repeats his statement back in the form of a question, "Really? A new born babe?"
"Yup," grins Slim, "No teeth, no hair and I think I just wet my pants."
Food
Chicago V.s. Green Bay
If you ask a Bears fan what his or her two favorite teams are they would be:
- The Bears
- And whoever the Green Bay Packers are playing.
Sports
Cheer
How many cheerleaders does it take to screw in a light bulb?
They wouldn't, they might brake a nail!
Lightbulb
Mind-mail
One day a blonde named Sharon was sitting at her till at the supermarket.
Suddenly, she had an idea that would change the world forever.
She had invented mind-mail!
She called over her boss and told him. He was astonished and said, "Go on then, send me a mail through your mind!"
She did as she was told, and sent him one.
The manager then said, "I didn't quite get that, what was the message?"
She replied, "I dunno, work it out for yourself!"
Office
Watch them
A couple were at the beach watching a volleyball game when they notice a pair of adults nearby kissing passionately, the woman running her hands down the man's arms, massaging erotically while nibbling on his ear. The couple was intrigued yet they don't want to miss the exciting match so the girl asked her boyfriend if she should watch the match or them. The guy replied, "Watch them. You already know how to play volleyball."
Relationships
Death...
His death won't be listed under "Obituaries," it will be under "Neighborhood Improvements."
Food
Two Guys are Moving About...
Two guys are moving about in a Walmart when their carts collide.
One says to the other, "Excuse me, but I'm looking for my wife."
"What a coincidence, so am I, and I'm getting a little desperate."
"Well, maybe I can help you. What does your wife look like?"
"She's tall, with dark hair, long legs, firm boobs, and a tight ass.
What's your wife look like?"
"Never mind, let's look for yours!
Relationships
Marriage
How do you get a blonde to marry you?
Tell her she's pregnant.
What will be her response?
"Is it mine?"
Relationships
IRISH PRAYER
Murphy was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg.
"Please Lord," he implored, "let it be blood!"
Misc
How many?
Q: How many roaches does it take to screw in a lightbulb????
A: Since when do roaches screw in lightbulbs?
Lightbulb
The Funeral
A man arrives at his laywer's funeral and and was very dismayed by the presence of this one person. He turns to the people around him. 'Why are you all at this man's funeral?' A man turns towards him and says, 'We're all clients.'
'And you ALL came to pay your respects? How touching.'
'Huh? No, we came to make sure he was dead.'
Legal
Q&A-1
Q. If you had three apples and four oranges in one
hand and four apples and three oranges in the other
hand, what would you have?
A. Very large hands.
Q. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
A. It is not a problem, since you will never find an
elephant with one hand.
Q. How can a man go eight days without sleep?
A. No Problems , He sleeps at night.
Animals