The ultimate premium-curated joke collection
We've parsed thousands of clean jokes, dad jokes, and puns to curate the absolute best 500+ into 20 categories. Check out some random highlights below, or pick a category!
The cowboy was trying to buy a health insurance policy. The insurance agent was going down the list of standard questions.
"Ever have an accident?"
"Nope, nary a one."
"None? You've never had any accidents."
"Nope. Ain't never had one. Never."
"Well, you said on this form you were bit by a snake once. Wouldn't you consider that an accident?"
"Heck, no. That dang varmint bit me on purpose."
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?"
She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"
A little girl and her father decided to go to church, because her father wanted to introduce her to the Christian World. As they sat down, a collection plate begins to be passed around. As the plate came to the girl's father, he searches his pockets for money. Then his daughter whispers in his ear, "Don't worry Daddy, I'm already free and covered.... I'm under 5."
What do you call a lion wearing a hat?
A Dandy Lion.
On Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn. The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged at this that she came over and shouted at me, "You should be hung."
I took a drink from my can of Budweiser, wiped the cold foam from my lips, lifted my darkened Ray ban Sunglasses and stared directly at this nosey neighbor and then calmly replied, "I am, that's why she cuts the grass."
A dog is a man's best friend because it gives no advice, never tries to borrow money, and has no in-laws.
Why does a blond wear a tight skirt?
To keep her legs closed
My mother-in-law was bitten by a mad dog in the street.
"Oh, that's terrible"
"Yes, it was terrible to watch the dog die slowly in convulsions."
What is 4-2?
two.
What is 8-6?
two.
Who wrote Tom Sawyer?
Twain
Now say the answers altogether.
Two two Twain.
Have a nice twip!
Why is the word abbreviation so long?
A local church built a new sanctuary. They moved their very fine old pipe organ from to the new sanctuary. It was an intricate task that was completed successfully.
The local news heralded, . . .
"St. Paul Completes Organ Transplant."
DNA, national dyslexic association
An old country gentleman and his wife were out driving one day, when a police officer pulled him over.
"What seems to be the trouble young man?" asked the old gentleman.
The officer said, "Excuse me sir, but didn't you notice your wife fell out of the car back there?"
To which the old gentleman exclaimed, "Thank you son, I thought I went deaf!!!".
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
I shall seek and find you,
I shall take you to bed and have my way with you,
I will make you ache, shake, and sweat until you moan and groan.
I will make you beg for mercy, you will beg for me to stop.
I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm finished with you.
You will be weak for days.
You have been warned, my love, by...
THE FLU!!
Now get your mind out of the gutter and go get a flu shot.
How do you tell that a blonde has been at a computer?
There is lipstick on the joy stick!
How many Hubluzas does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
There is no lightbulb!
If two's a company and three's a crowd... what's four and five?
NINE!!!!
Three blind mice walk into a bar, but they are unaware of their surroundings so to derive humour from it would be exploitative.
Yo Mama is so poor, I walked in and dropped a cigarette butt on the floor, and she said, "Clap your hands and stomp your feet, praise the Lord, we got heat".
Overheard in a doctor's waiting room:
"My uncle had a cough like yours and he died. Mind you, he was hiding under his neighbour's bed at the time."
Guy goes to see his doctor - "Doctor, please help me, I've got kleptomania bad!"
"OK, take these pills, one a day, but if they've not worked in a month, could you get me an LCD telly?"
A computer teacher who doesn't speak good english tells his student "Paul open the window let the Air Force Come."
At another time the same teacher and his wife sees one of his students in mall. The next day the teacher says to the student "Tim, yesterday I saw you with my wife at the mall."
Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?"
"No," said his mom, "Of course not."
Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!"