The ultimate premium-curated joke collection
Sharpen your pencils and prepare to laugh at the best teacher and classroom jokes.
Everybody knows about the kangaroo, the tall marsupial that lives in Australia, but when settlers first went there, they were amazed and had never seen anything like them. They asked an aborigine what the animals were called. He replied, "Kangaroo," so that is what the settlers called them. Little did they know, kangaroo is an aboriginal phrase meaning, "I don't understand your question."
The can was invented quite a while before the can opener.
A man goes to school and learns stuff.
We invite grandparents to a special day at our school, culminating in a photo op with grandparent and grandchild posing in front of a colorful display from a history class. Only after the last shot was snapped did we notice what appeared above each grandparent's head: a banner screaming,
"Discover the Ancient World."
During class, the chemistry professor was demonstrating the properties of various acids. "Now I'm dropping this silver coin into this glass of acid. Will it dissolve?"
"No, sir," a student called out.
"No?" queried the professor. "Perhaps you can explain why the silver coin won't dissolve."
"Because if it would, you wouldn't have dropped it in!"
"Apparatus" is a fancy word for thingy.
One day, Mr. Dorren's first grade class was learning the alphabet.
One of his students came up to Mr. Dorren and asked to go to the bathroom.
Mr. Dorren said, "First, recite the alphabet."
The student started, "A, B... ... L, M, N, O, Q..."
When he finished, Mr. Dorren asked, "Where's the 'P'?"
"Running down my legs." replied the student.
The old pastor made it to a practice to visit the parish school one day a week.
He walked into the 4th grade class, where the children were studying the states, and asked them how many states they could name.
They came up with about 40 names.
He jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states.
One lad raised his hand and said, "Yes, but in those days there were only 13."
Did you hear about the blonde who went shopping for lip-gloss just so she could pass the make-up exam?
a = b, b = c, a = c.
Math Teacher: If a = b and b = c then a = c. Now give me the practical example of this principle from real life.
Student: I love you, sir, and you love your daughter, which means I love your daughter.
You might be a redneck if your father-in-law said that you had no class, so you spit at him.
Johnny comes back from school crying and says, "Mommy all the kids in the school say I have a big head."
His mother replies, "No you don't Johnny. You have a hideously deformed head. The other children are merely hiding the truth to protect your feelings."
The new principal was talking to the teachers.
"Now, listen, my name is Mr. Prenis, with an "R". Please don't forget to spell it out clearly, so that the students dont laugh and such..."
The teachers assure him that they will remember it, and they go out to adress the students.
One of the male teachers steps up to the podium, and speaks into the microphone:
"Welcome, students, to another year at Rearview Elementary. I would like you to welcome your new principal, Mr. Crock..."
A student said to Professor Stigler: "Professor Stigler, I don't believe I deserve this F you've given me."
To which Stigler replied, "I agree, but
unfortunately it is the lowest grade the
University will allow me to award."
In the university, the lecturers were entering their classes. Meanwhile, the students were doing their own stuff. When the lecturer said,"Class, attention please!" all of them still did something else. Of course they didn't pay attention because the lecturer asked the CLASS to pay attention!
My health teacher said once he was talking to this one guy and a student. As they were talking the student got curious and asked, "How long have you been teaching here?"
My health teachser replied, "Oh about 37 years."
The student said he must be old and the other guy, who is elderly as well says,
"Ya, and Jesus still owes me a buck."
Teacher: What is the axis of the earth?
Student: The axis of the earth is an imaginary line which passes from one pole to the other, and on which the earth revolves.
Teacher: Very good. Now, could you hang clothes on that line?
Student: Yes, Sir.
Teacher: Indeed, and what sort of clothes?
Student: Imaginary clothes, Sir.
Q. What do elfs learn while in school?
A. The elfabet!
Having just graduated from Harvard, the young man was very excited thinking about his future. Getting into a taxi, the driver says to him, "How are you on this beautiful, sunny day?"
"I'm the class of 2006. I just graduated from Harvard and I'm very excited about getting out there and seeing what the world has in store for me!"
The driver shakes the young man's hand and replies, "Congratulations, young man. I'm George, class of 1968."
An agriculture student said to a farmer: "Your methods are too old-fashioned. I wouldn't be surprised if this tree gave you less than twenty pounds of apples."
"Wouldn't surprise me, either," said the farmer, "this is an orange tree."
A student was asked to list the 10 Commandments in any order. His answer?
"3, 6, 1, 8, 4, 5, 9, 2, 10, 7".
This truly happened in an advanced oral English classroom:
When the teacher asked the students: "What surprised you most in Tsinghua?"
One of them answered, "Well, I'd heard that girls in Tsinghua were terribly ugly before I came here. However, when I arrived here myself, I was surprised to find
there's so many pretty girls, some of them are even sexy......"
At that, all girls in the room smiled shyly. Then he continued, "But when the holiday was over, I found all of them had gone!"
You're so ugly...
that when your mom dropped you off on the curb for school, she got fined for littering.
Teacher: Jimmy, use the word "handsome" in a sentence.
Jimmy: Handsome gum over will ya?
Teacher: No, no, that's not right. You have one more chance. Use the word "gladiator" in a sentence.
Jimmy: A monster ate my sister and I'm gladiator.