The ultimate premium-curated joke collection
Sharpen your pencils and prepare to laugh at the best teacher and classroom jokes.
The teacher stood at the front of the room. "Does anybody know what this Monday is?"
About half of the students raised their hands. The teacher pointed to one of them. "It's Columbus Day!" he crowed.
The teacher smiled. "It is. Does anybody know why we celebrate it?"
This time, only one student raised her hand. "It's the day the Indians discovered Columbus!"
How very true indeed.
A blonde is taking an interview, and the examiner is asking some general questions.
"What is the boiling temperature of water?"
"I am not sure."
"Miss, either you know it or you don't know it."
"No, I am still not sure."
"The boiling temperature of water is 100 degrees!"
"Ok, so it's the right angle that boils at 90 degrees?"
"I'm very sorry sir, but I don't have my homework with me- I left my bag on the bus."
"Well done! A+"
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Prof. Tom will not meet his classes this afternoon.
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Teacher: Justin if I had ten tennis balls in one hand, and twelve in another what would I have?
Justin: Huge hands sir
A man walks into a bar and sits down next to a beautiful blonde.
"I just got this amazing watch," he tells her, "it can reads alpha waves, and can tell me what a person is thinking."
"What does it say about me?" asked the blonde.
"It says you want to sleep with me," said the man.
"Sorry," said the blonde, "I think your watch is broken."
"Hmmm," said the man, slowly examining the watch, "It seems to be running an hour fast..."
A blond finished his English exam and came out.
His friends asked him how did he do in his exam; he replied, "Exam was okay, but for the past tense of THINK, I thought, thought, thought ... and at last I wrote THUNK!"
Teacher: What is 5 plus 4?
Blonde: 9
Teacher: What is 4 plus 5?
Blonde: Are you trying to fool me, you've just twisted the figure.
The answer is 6!!!
Asked by his teacher to compare three presidents Johnny thought for a moment and said: "Well, George Washington couldn't tell a lie. Richard Nixon couldn't tell the truth. And George W. Bush can't tell the difference."
One professor says your IQ measures how much you know. A scientist says your IQ measures how much information you are capable of learning. All I want to know is how long it will take me to get with your sister. I mean DAMN!
What's better than going to school?
Having play time every day!
Maths teacher asks a blonde girl what comes after 69?" Essex girl replies "you wash your face and rinse your mouth DUH...!"
The teacher asks in school: "What is the most important thing in socialism?" The students consider and little Fritz (Fritzchen) answers: "The most important thing in socialism is the human!" The teacher: "That is a good answer, Fritzchen. I will give you a B-grade." Fritzchen is dissatisfied and responds emphatically: "Would you maybe give me an A if I told you what the human's name was?"
The teacher asks: "Fritzchen, why are you always speaking of our Soviet brothers? It's 'Soviet friends'." Fritz responds: "Well, you can pick your friends."
The teacher asks: "Fritzchen, what is the difference between capitalism and socialism?" Fritz replies: "Capitalism is the exploitation of man by man. Under socialism, it is the other way around."
If I had only one day left to live, I would live it in my Social Studies class; it would seem so much longer.
Music Teacher: Anyone has a suggestion to which song we should play next?
Johnny: How 'bout we sing 'The Teacher is A Big Fat Bitch. . .in C-Minor?'
Lady on telephone: "Hello sir, I want to meet & talk to you. You are the father of one of my kids."
Guy (stunned!):
Are you Sandra?
No.
Jenny?
No.
Amy?
No.
Betty?
No.
Lady (in confusion):
"No sir, I'm your son's class teacher."
Teacher: The reason why we see lightening before we hear thunder is because light travels faster than sound.
Blonde student: How do you explain a CLAPPER?
One day, a kindergarten teacher, who was incidentally blonde, gave everybody a set of crayons and told them to draw something with it.
The teacher noticed that Little Johnny had drawn a sun enclosed in a box with rays shining out of it.
'Johnny,' said the teacher with a confused look. 'Did your grandparents come from Japan?'
'No, Macedonia,' said the colour blind child.
Today's school kids are spending less time at recess than their predecessors. Experts say if the trends continues, future Congressmen may not have enough experience goofing off.
Little Katie was at Sunday school one day. The teacher asked the class "Who is someone in your life that worships God by always speaking His name?"
Little Katie raised her hand and said "The fifth grade teacher at my school! Every time we pass by her room on the way to art I hear her say "I swear to God I have the worst behaved class in the world!"
You've Got The Wrong(est) Number
(Note: our customer support number is close to a local driving school's number.)
Me: "Thank you for calling. How may I help you?"
Customer: "How much for my daughter?"
Me: "Um..."
Customer: "She's 16. It's her first time. She needs training."
Me: "Sir, I think you want the driving school."
Customer: "Oh, what do you guys do?"
Me: "Adult websites."
Customer: "Oh...OH! Oh my God!"