The ultimate premium-curated joke collection
Have you tried turning it off and on again? The best modern tech support humor.
A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep the entire store."
"But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom. Let me show you how."
A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside:
The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"
My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."
Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"
He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."
Mary was having a tough day and had stretched herself out on the couch to do a bit of what she thought to be well-deserved complaining and self- pitying. She moaned to her mom and brother, "Nobody loves me ... the whole world hates me!"
Her brother, busily occupied playing a game, hardly looked up at her and passed on this encouraging word: "That's not true, Mary. Some people don't even know you."
There are two men in a restroom, in stalls directly next to each other.
Man #1 says "Hi there."
Man #2, trying not to be rude, says, "Um...Hi"
After a short silence, Man #1 speaks again saying, "So, how are things?"
Man #2 replies, "Good.... I guess."
Man #1 says, "Okay, honey, I have to go now, every time I talk to you on my phone this guy answers, bye."
There were two blondes who went deep into the woods searching for a Christmas tree.
After hours of subzero temperatures and a few close calls with hungry wolves, one blonde turned to the other and said, "I'm chopping down the next tree I see. I don't care whether it's decorated or not!"
Taxiing down the tarmac, the 757 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.
A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"
"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant, "and it took us a while to find a new pilot."
Lena called the airlines information desk and inquired, "How long does it take to fly from Minneapolis to Fargo?" "Just a minute," said the busy clerk. "Vell, said Lena, "if it has to go dat fast, I tink I'll just take da bus."
Ole is so cheap that after his airplane landed safely he grumbled, "Vell, dere gose five dollars down da drain for dat flight insurance!"
Ole bought Lena a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, Lars inquired how she was doing with it.
"Oh," said Ole, "I persuaded her to svitch to a clarinet."
"How come?" asked Lars
"Vell," Ole answered, "because vith a clarinet she can't sing."
Ole and Lena went to the Olympics.
While sitting on a bench a lady turned to Ole and said, "Are you a pole vaulter?"
Ole said, "No, I'm Norvegian...and my name isn't Valter."
Two Hindu swamis were in conversation.
One said to the other, "How did you like my latest book, 'The Art of Levitation'?"
His companion replied, "It kept me up all night."
"It's no use. Art doesn't listen to me," said a little boy who was praying for a new bike.
"Art who?" asked the boy's mother.
"Art in heaven," came the reply.
Q: How do babies get their belly buttons?
A: When God finishes making little babies, He lines them all up in a row, then he walks along in front of them. He pokes each one in the tummy with His finger and says, "You're done, you're done, you're done, - - -"
A faith healer asked Moshe how his family was getting along. "They're all fine," Moshe said, "Except my uncle. He's very sick."
"Your uncle is not sick," the faith healer said. "He THINKS he's sick."
Two weeks later, the faith healer ran into Moshe on the street. "How is your uncle getting along?" he asked.
Moshe shrugged, "He THINKS he's dead."
A cop stops a man for running a stop sign and the subject gives the cop a lot of grief explaining that he did stop.
After several minutes, the cop explained to the gentleman that he didn't stop, he just slowed down a little.
The gentleman said "Stop or slow down, what's the difference?"
The cop pulled the guy out of the car and hit him with a nightstick for about a minute and then said, "Would you like for me to stop or just slow down?"
Q: Why did the blonde wear condoms on her ears?
A: She was afraid she might get hearing aids.
Two blondes observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger:
Blonde#1: I can't seem to get this door unlocked!
Blonde#2: Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder, its starting to rain and the top is down!
One morning a man came into the church on crutches. He stopped in front of the holy water, put some on both legs, and then threw away his crutches.
An altar boy witnessed the scene and then ran into the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen.
"Son, you've just witnessed a miracle!" the priest said. "Tell me, where is this man now?"
"Flat on his butt over by the holy water!" the boy informed him.
And Moses looked upon the Lord and said:
"We are your chosen people and you want us to cut the tips off of our WHAT?"
Before setting off on a business trip to Tulsa, I called the hotel where I'd be staying to see if they had a gym.
The hotel receptionist's sigh had a tinge of exasperation in it when she answered.
"We have over 300 guests at at this facility" she said. Â
"Does this 'Jim' have a last name?"
One day God said that he would grant anyone in line a wish. This one guy got stuck at the back of the line, which made him kind of upset.
The people before him went on through the line, and everybody wished that they could be beautiful. The last guy came up to God and said, "I wish that all the people that wished they were beautiful were ugly again."
The next time that you're last in line - be happy.
If brains were fuel, you wouldn't have enough to power an ant's motorcycle around the edge of a penny.
A blonde rings up an airline. She asks, "How long are your flights from America to England?"
The woman on the other end of the phone says, "Just a minute..."
The blonde says, "Thanks!" and hangs up the phone.
A blonde pulls over at the gas station, gets out of her car, opens the hood, and checks the engine oil. After a few seconds of intelligent thinking, she takes the dipstick in her hand and, raising her chest high, walks up to the attendant.
"Excuse me sir, but can I buy a longer dipstick?"
"May I ask why you need a longer one ma'am?"
"Because this one isn't long enough to reach the oil!"