The ultimate premium-curated joke collection
Have you tried turning it off and on again? The best modern tech support humor.
During training exercises, the lieutenant who was
driving down a muddy back road encountered
another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced
colonel at the wheel.
"Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside.
"Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing
him the keys, "Yours is."
The shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read BEST DEALS.
He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading LOWEST PRICES.
The shopkeeper was panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop - it read... MAIN ENTRANCE.
The cop got out of his and walked up to the kid who was stopped for speeding. He rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The guy replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
After the fall in Garden of Eden, Adam was walking with his sons Cain and Abel.
They passed by the ruins of the Garden of Eden. One of the boys asked, "What's that?" Adam replied, "Boys, that's where your mother ate us out of house and home."
A preacher phoned the city's newspaper. "Thank you very much," said he, "for the error you made when you announced my sermon topic for last Sunday. The topic I sent you was 'What Jesus Saw in A Publican.' You printed it as 'What Jesus Saw in a Republican' I had the biggest crowd of the year!"
How do you keep an idiot in suspense?
Keep scrolling down!
Not far now!
Keep going!
Solve this problem while you wait for the answer to pop up.
6!
Not enough? Solve this!
(Pi)!
The answer will pop up shortly...
Whoops, there was a mistake. Go back to the 2nd line.
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar.
A $40 speeding ticket was included.
Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40.
The police responded with another mailed photo -- of handcuffs.
My computer is like Britney Spears; cheap, white, and plastic.
In a recent survey, 60 percent of respondents said the cities they live in are noisier now than they were five years ago. The other 40 percent didn't hear the question.
A blond was using a pager for the first time. When the operator instructed her to key in "10" to leave a voice message, she followed and after the beep, said, "Excuse me, may I speak to Zeron please?"
One day, a man held a contest. The winner would be who could get the most ping pong balls in one day.
The first man comes back with 100.
The second man comes back with 110.
The third man comes back with a whole ton of bruises. The men ask him why he didn't collect any ping pong balls and why he was bruised. He said,
"Ping pong balls? I thought he said King Kong's balls!
After being with her all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened.
When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died."
"Thank heavens," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!"
How do you know, your computer hates you?
When it grows and pop ups.
How do you know that you're a computer geek?
You catch a computer virus and take a virus scanning pill every week.
Once upon a time, there was an elderly couple. Next door, there lived a Peeping Tom. One day, the couple received a phone call. The woman said, "Fred! Peeping Tom tells us to shut the blinds or he'll call the police!"
From an interview with a millionaire:
"What is your secret to making money?"
"Quite simple. Before entering business I observed that most of the sales profits are generally lost in the handling of complaints and refunds. So I made my decision to try to eliminate these expenses."
"I can say that's quite a big task!"
"Not for me. I simply started selling parachutes."
A blond and a brunette were opening their paychecks when the blond asked the brunette what she was going to buy.
The brunette replied, "I think I'll buy a new set of plates because mine are chipped. What are you going to buy?"
The blond said, "I think I'm gonna buy a new butt, because my old one has an enormous crack in it."
An elevator operator complained that he was getting tired of people asking him for the time.
A friend suggested that he hang a clock in his elevator.
A few weeks later, the friend inquired as to how things were going.
"Just awful!" declared the elevator operator.
"NOW, all day long, people ask me, "Is the clock right?" exclaimed the elevator operator.
Little Johnny was giving confession, and he told the priest that he was having impure thoughts about his sister. "Is this a sin, Father?" he asked.
The priest nodded and said, "Yes, Little Johnny, indeed, it is a sin. Look at the two beautiful brothers you have."
"When I see a monk's ass I just grab it."
Said the lazily amorous abbot.
"Although it's more fun,
To have sex with a nun,
It's so hard to get into the habit!"
10. She wants her own intern.
9. She wants to complete her china and silver collection.
8. Brother-in-law Roger needs another pardon.
7. She wants to lease the Lincoln Bedroom to Marc Rich.
6. She wants to rename Camp David to Camp Denise.
5. She wants to pick up the rest of the furniture.
4. She wants to return to public housing.
3. She wants the top floor of the Trump Tower when she leaves.
2. She misses her hairdresser.
1. Bill needs a pardon.
What's the difference between a northern fairy tale and a southern fairy tale?
A northern fairy tale begins with, "Once upon a time..."
A southern fairy tale begins, "'Y'all ain't gonna believe this..."
Two blondes are waiting at a bus stop.
When a bus pulls up and opens the door, one of the blondes leans inside and asks the bus driver: "Will this bus take me to 5th Avenue?"
The bus driver shakes his head and says, "No, I'm sorry."
Hearing this, the other blonde leans inside, smiles, and twitters:
"Will it take ME?"
A woman sends her clothing out to the Chinese laundry. When it comes back, there are still stains in her panties.
The next week she encloses a note to the Chinese laundryman that says, "Use more soap on panties."
This goes on for several weeks, the woman sending the same note to the laundry. "Use more soap on panties."
Finally, fed up, the Chinese man responded with his own note that said, "Use more paper on ass."