BLONDES PAYBACK TIME.
For all you Blonde ladies out there.
Why are blonde jokes so short?
So men can remember them
Relationships
The secret to a happy marriage is a good sense of humor. Start here.
What Do You Call A Man...
What do you call a man who put the toilet seat down after use?
Don't know it's never happened.
Old Lady Driving
There is an old lady driving on Interstate 22. A police car pulls her over and explains to the lady she is going 22 mph. She said, 'I know, isn't that the speed limit?" The officer said, 'No, this is Interstate 22'. The police officer looks in the back seat and there are three children looking quite ill. He asks her if they need help and she explains, 'No, we just left Interstate 119."
New Motorcyle
An engineering student was walking across campus when another engineer rides up on a shiny new motorcycle.
"Where did you get such a great bike?", asked the first.
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said 'Take what you want.'"
The first engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
Old Tart
Attending the funeral of an actress who had been married ten times, a friend sobbed to the priest, "Well, at least they're together at last."
The clergyman looked around. "Which of her husbands is buried here?"
"None," said the friend. "I meant, her legs."
Busted!
Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive's wife stopped by his office.
When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.
Without hesitating, he dictated, "...and in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair."
40th anniversary
A husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife -Cold As Ever.'"
"Yeah?!" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting
you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband -Stiff At Last.'"
Laundry
One day a housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his wife, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," she replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."
Scare me
A guy's on the electric chair. The warden's just about to pull the switch, when the guy gets the hiccups. The warden says, "Do you have any last requests?" The guy says, "(hic) Yeah... (hic) could you please do (hic) could you please do something to scare me?"
Six Most Important Men in a Women's Life
Six Most Important Men in a Woman's Life
THE DOCTOR, because he says, "Take your clothes off."
THE DENTIST, because he says, "Open wide."
THE HAIRDRESSER, because he says, "Do you want them teased or blown?"
THE MILKMAN, because he says, "Do you want it in the back or in the front?"
THE INTERIOR DECORATOR, because he says, "Once it's in you'll love it."
THE BANKER, because he says, "If you take it out too soon you'll lose interest."
Saving Money
As a painless way to save money, a young couple arranged that every time they have sex the husband puts his pocket change into a china piggy bank on the bedside table. One night while being unusually athletic, he accidentally knocked the piggy bank onto the floor where it smashes.
To his surprise, among the masses of coins, there are handfuls of five and ten dollar bills. He asks his wife "What's up with all the notes?", to his wife which replies, "Well, not everyone is as cheap as you are."
Hitting the Bottle
A woman was trying hard to get the catsup to come out of the bottle. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her four-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone right now. She's hitting the bottle."
Dishwater
A young bride and groom-to-be had just selected their wedding rings. As the young lady admired the plain platinum and diamond band she had chosen for herself, she suddenly looked concerned.
"Tell me," she asked the rather elderly salesman, "is there anything special I'll have to do to take care of this ring?"
With a fatherly smile, the salesman said, "One of the best ways to protect a wedding ring is to soak it in dishwater."
Chair
A man and wife are out shopping one day.
The wife turns to her husband and says; "Darling it's my mum's birthday tomorrow what shall we get her? Perhaps something electric?"
"A chair?" replies the husband.
2 Black Eyes
What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing, you already told her twice...
Women & TV
Joe: I got a problem.
Ed: What's the matter?
Joe: Women. I just don't understand them.
Ed: Do you understand your TV?
Joe: No.
Ed: So what's the problem?
Mother-In-Law
The Dean from the University of Northern Colorado was a victim of a hit and run.
He was just getting to his feet when a policeman ran up to help.
"My mother-in-law just tried to run me over!" the shaken Dean told the cop.
"The car hit you from behind," the officer said. "How could you tell it was your mother-in-law?"
"I recognized the laugh!"
Shirley
"That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a sympathetic pal seated next to him in the bar. "How do you know?" the friend asked. "She didn't come home last night, and when I asked her where she'd been, she said she'd spent the night with her sister, Shirley." "So?" the friend replied. "So, she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister Shirley!"
Deaf
An old country gentleman and his wife were out driving one day, when a police officer pulled him over.
"What seems to be the trouble young man?" asked the old gentleman.
The officer said, "Excuse me sir, but didn't you notice your wife fell out of the car back there?"
To which the old gentleman exclaimed, "Thank you son, I thought I went deaf!!!".
Calming Your Son
In the supermarket was a man pushing a cart which contained a screaming, bellowing baby. The gentleman kept repeating softly, "Don't get excited, Albert; don't scream, Albert; don't yell, Albert; keep calm, Albert."
A woman standing next to him said, "You certainly are to be commended for trying to soothe your son, Albert."
The man looked at her and said, "Lady, I'm Albert."
Ask Me No Questions
Woman: Honey, do you love me?
Man: Ask me no questions, i'll tell you no lies!
Woman: Do I look fat in this?
Man: Ask me no questions, i'll tell you no lies!
Woman: Did you enjoy the meal?
Man: Ask me no questions, i'll tell you no lies!
Woman: Do you see the wrinkles on my face?
Man: Ask me no questions, i'll tell you no lies!
Man: Do you wanna fool around tonight?
Woman: Sure Honey!
Man: Was it as good for you as it was for me?
Woman: Ask me no questions, i'll tell you no lies!
A Woman Named Camp
An epileptic young woman named Camp
Was seduced on her couch by a tramp
But the first time he squeezed her
She had a Grand seizure
And broke both his balls and a lamp.
Rex
A horny old trapper named Rex
Liked the risks of wild porcupine sex.
By incredible luck
His dick never got stuck,
But his nuts were just pitiful wrecks.
Wrong Finger
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."