Trip to Hawaii
"My husband won a trip for two to Hawaii," a woman complained to her marriage counsellor.
"He went twice!"
Relationships
The secret to a happy marriage is a good sense of humor. Start here.
Weird Weddings
NAMES OF ACTUAL COUPLES GETTING MARRIED:
Broken-Bridge
Sarry-Huney
Big-Theisman
Lossin-Hare
Redder-Bottum
CAN'T WAIT TO SEE HOW LONG THOSE COUPLES LAST!
Blonde Football
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to a football game
for the first time.
After the game he asked his girlfriend how she liked
the game. "Oh, I really liked it," she said, "but I
just couldn't understand why they were killing each
other for 25 cents."
What on earth do you mean???"
Well, I saw them flip a coin and one team got it and
then for the rest of the game all they kept screaming
was: "Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!"
Toilet Paper
How many men does it take to change a roll of
toilet paper?
We don't know, it has never happened.
Life
Contrary to popular opinion, life is NOT a bi**h.
Life is a virgin.
A bi**h would be easy.
Lost Fortune
A wealthy man came home from a gambling trip and told his wife that he had lost their entire fortune and that they'd have to drastically alter their life-style. "If you'll just learn to cook," he said, "we can fire the chef."
"Okay," she said. "And if you learn how to make love, we can fire the gardener."
Skunk
A married couple are driving along when they see a wounded skunk on the side of the road. They stop, the wife gets out, picks it up, and brings it into the car. She says, "Look, it's shivering, it must be cold. What should I do?"
Her husband replies, "Put it between your legs to keep it warm."
She asks,
"What about the smell?"
He says, "Hold its nose."
Flies
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around
with a fly swatter. "What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh!, Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females", he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
"3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
Dope
Grow some dope... plant a man.
Penguins
Penguins mate for life.
This is not surprising, as they all look the same. It's not like they have to wait and wonder if someone better will come along!
Size
A man and a women are making love for the first time. "Cor what a small organ!" the women sniggered
"It may be small, darling" replied the man "but it's never played in a Cathedral before!"
3 Rings
There are three well known rings to marriage:
Engagement ring, Wedding ring, and suffering!
Reducing Salon
A tearful woman phoned a reducing salon to wail that her husband had just given her a lovely present and she couldn't get into it. The operator gave her an appointment and added, "Don't worry, madam, we'll have you wearing that dress in no time."
"Dress?" the matron sobbed. "It's a Porsche!"
Kitten of the Dorm
My college doesn't allow pets in my dorm, so when I got a kitten I had the guys in my dorm refer to him as "the Book" to avoid suspicion.
One morning, as I carried the kitten out to my car in a crate, my girlfriend stopped me and asked, "where are you taking the Book?"
"She's getting Spayed today," I said.
"Hmm..." she said. "I guess that means no sequels!"
He's the Boss
The boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local card and novelty shop and bought a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss". He then taped it to his office door.
Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said. "Your wife called, she wants her sign back
Battle of the Sexes
Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy.
Black Eyes
A guy with two black eyes walks into church one Sunday. The priest notices him and is very concerned.
"What happened, my child?"
"I was singing in the choir, Father, and I noticed that the girl in front of me had a wedgie, so I pulled it out, and she punched me in the eye."
"Okay; how did you get the other black eye?"
"Well, I thought I'd done something wrong, so I put her wedgie back."
Marriage
A girl and her best friend were at a cafe. The girl said her boyfriend finally told her about marriage. Her best friend asked her what he said. "He is married and has 3 kids," she replied.
A Lecture
After a party, one man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.
"What are you doing out here at 2 o'clock in the morning?" the officer asked.
"I'm going to a lecture," the man said.
"And who would be giving this lecture at this hour?" the cop asked.
"My wife," the guy replied.
All Afternoon?
A groom and his bride are standing at the alter when the woman looks at her prospective husband
and sees he has a set of golf clubs.
"What on earth are you doing with those golf clubs in church?" she whispers.
"Well," he replies, "this won't take all afternoon, will it?"
Owies!!
Q: Why did the blonde have bruises around her bellybutton?
A: Because her boyfriend was blond too!
Art Gallery Nudes
A couple goes to an art gallery. They find a picture of a naked women with only her privates covered with leaves. The wife doesn't like it and moves on but the huband keeps looking.
The wife asks, "What are you waiting for?"
The husband replies, "Autumn."
Playing Poker
When the phone rang, she excused herself from the sofa. A few seconds later she rejoined her male companion.
"Who was it?" he asked.
"My husband," she replied.
"I better get going," he said. "Where was he?"
"Relax. He'll be late, he's playing poker with you."
Lost Wife
The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"
"Why?"
"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere."