Toilet Paper
How many men does it take to change a roll of
toilet paper?
We don't know, it has never happened.
Relationships
The secret to a happy marriage is a good sense of humor. Start here.
Life
Contrary to popular opinion, life is NOT a bi**h.
Life is a virgin.
A bi**h would be easy.
Lost Fortune
A wealthy man came home from a gambling trip and told his wife that he had lost their entire fortune and that they'd have to drastically alter their life-style. "If you'll just learn to cook," he said, "we can fire the chef."
"Okay," she said. "And if you learn how to make love, we can fire the gardener."
Skunk
A married couple are driving along when they see a wounded skunk on the side of the road. They stop, the wife gets out, picks it up, and brings it into the car. She says, "Look, it's shivering, it must be cold. What should I do?"
Her husband replies, "Put it between your legs to keep it warm."
She asks,
"What about the smell?"
He says, "Hold its nose."
Flies
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around
with a fly swatter. "What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh!, Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females", he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
"3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
Dope
Grow some dope... plant a man.
Penguins
Penguins mate for life.
This is not surprising, as they all look the same. It's not like they have to wait and wonder if someone better will come along!
Size
A man and a women are making love for the first time. "Cor what a small organ!" the women sniggered
"It may be small, darling" replied the man "but it's never played in a Cathedral before!"
3 Rings
There are three well known rings to marriage:
Engagement ring, Wedding ring, and suffering!
Reducing Salon
A tearful woman phoned a reducing salon to wail that her husband had just given her a lovely present and she couldn't get into it. The operator gave her an appointment and added, "Don't worry, madam, we'll have you wearing that dress in no time."
"Dress?" the matron sobbed. "It's a Porsche!"
He's the Boss
The boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local card and novelty shop and bought a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss". He then taped it to his office door.
Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said. "Your wife called, she wants her sign back
Battle of the Sexes
Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy.
Black Eyes
A guy with two black eyes walks into church one Sunday. The priest notices him and is very concerned.
"What happened, my child?"
"I was singing in the choir, Father, and I noticed that the girl in front of me had a wedgie, so I pulled it out, and she punched me in the eye."
"Okay; how did you get the other black eye?"
"Well, I thought I'd done something wrong, so I put her wedgie back."
A Lecture
After a party, one man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.
"What are you doing out here at 2 o'clock in the morning?" the officer asked.
"I'm going to a lecture," the man said.
"And who would be giving this lecture at this hour?" the cop asked.
"My wife," the guy replied.
All Afternoon?
A groom and his bride are standing at the alter when the woman looks at her prospective husband
and sees he has a set of golf clubs.
"What on earth are you doing with those golf clubs in church?" she whispers.
"Well," he replies, "this won't take all afternoon, will it?"
Art Gallery Nudes
A couple goes to an art gallery. They find a picture of a naked women with only her privates covered with leaves. The wife doesn't like it and moves on but the huband keeps looking.
The wife asks, "What are you waiting for?"
The husband replies, "Autumn."
Playing Poker
When the phone rang, she excused herself from the sofa. A few seconds later she rejoined her male companion.
"Who was it?" he asked.
"My husband," she replied.
"I better get going," he said. "Where was he?"
"Relax. He'll be late, he's playing poker with you."
Lost Wife
The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"
"Why?"
"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere."
You're a Redneck...
You know you're a redneck if:
1) You drive your house and sleep in your car.
2) You think a loaded dishwasher means your wife is drunk.
3) You have more than 2 relatives named Buh Buh.
4) You let your 12 year old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of HER kids.
5) You've been to a wedding reception at the waffle house.
Magazines
Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day. Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body. Most naked men elicit laughter from women.
The Invitation
"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper."
"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!"
"I know all that."
"Then why did you invite a friend for supper?"
"Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."
Ten Things
The ten things a guy knows about a girl:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. They have boobs.
The Statue of Liberty
Q: Why are fingers on the statue of liberty 11 inches long?
A: Because if they were 12 inches they would be feet.
Mrs. President
If a man becomes president, his wife is the first lady.
If a woman became president, what would you call her husband?
Whipped.