Lights
How many blondes does it takes to screw in a lightbulb?
three:
one to unscrew it
one to buy a new lightbulb
one to call her boyfriend to screw it back in.
Relationships
The secret to a happy marriage is a good sense of humor. Start here.
Calming Your Son
In the supermarket was a man pushing a cart which contained a screaming, bellowing baby. The gentleman kept repeating softly, "Don't get excited, Albert; don't scream, Albert; don't yell, Albert; keep calm, Albert."
A woman standing next to him said, "You certainly are to be commended for trying to soothe your son, Albert."
The man looked at her and said, "Lady, I'm Albert."
Ask Me No Questions
Woman: Honey, do you love me?
Man: Ask me no questions, i'll tell you no lies!
Woman: Do I look fat in this?
Man: Ask me no questions, i'll tell you no lies!
Woman: Did you enjoy the meal?
Man: Ask me no questions, i'll tell you no lies!
Woman: Do you see the wrinkles on my face?
Man: Ask me no questions, i'll tell you no lies!
Man: Do you wanna fool around tonight?
Woman: Sure Honey!
Man: Was it as good for you as it was for me?
Woman: Ask me no questions, i'll tell you no lies!
A Woman Named Camp
An epileptic young woman named Camp
Was seduced on her couch by a tramp
But the first time he squeezed her
She had a Grand seizure
And broke both his balls and a lamp.
Rex
A horny old trapper named Rex
Liked the risks of wild porcupine sex.
By incredible luck
His dick never got stuck,
But his nuts were just pitiful wrecks.
Wrong Finger
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."
Mother In Law
My mother-in-law was bitten by a mad dog in the street.
"Oh, that's terrible"
"Yes, it was terrible to watch the dog die slowly in convulsions."
Letters to a landlord
Excerpts from actual letters sent to landlords
Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap? My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us.
I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 5:30 his cock wakes me up, and it is getting too much.
When the workmen were here, they put their tools in my wife's new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy.
Bum
A woman was chatting with her next-door neighbor. "I feel really good today. I started out this morning with an act of unselfish generosity. I gave a five dollar bill to a bum."
"You gave a bum five whole dollars? That's a lot of money to just give away. What did your husband say about it?"
"Oh, he thought it was the proper thing to do. He said, 'Thanks.'"
Ten things a man will never say
1. Happy Anniversery!
2.You're wearing THAT to the party!!??
3.Do I look fat in this?
4.You didn't know it was my birthday today!?
5.Oh my god! Can't we just be friends!
6.Listen honey we have to talk... I think, I'm pregnant.
7.Here's 100 dollars!
8.Hey! Is it okay if some of my friends come over to watch football and we go crazy when our team loses.
9.Sweetie can we not do it tonight?
10.Honey I'm home! How have you been today?!
10 Things A Man Would Never Say
1. Happy aniversery!
2. Do I look fat in this?
3. Heres 100 dollars! Buy whatever you want.
4. I think im pregnant.
5. Do you wanna come shopping with me and my
friends? We're going to Victoria's Secret.
6. I'm cheating on you with 1 other man and 2 women.
7. Hunney... can we not do it tonight. I'm just not in the mood.
8. Do you just wanna go on a vacation just me and you? We can go to the Bahamas!
9. I'm sorry.
10. Whenever you wanna get divorced just tell me.
Some More Things Men Would Never Say
Hunny, you forgot to put down the toilet seat again.
Oh my God! you don't know how to fix a car.
Wife says: How do I look?
Man: Terrible, go change!
WD40
This husband and wife couldn't have any children, so they went to the pastor and asked for prayer.
The pastor prayed for them and annointed them with oil.
Sure enough, about 9 months later they had triplet babies. The couple once again showed up at the pastor's study and as soon as the woman saw the pastor she ran up to him, threw her arms around him and gave him the biggest hug. "What was that all about"? he asked.
She replied, "I'm just glad you used three in one oil and not WD40."
Breakfast
An angry wife met her husband at the door. She could smell alcohol on his breath and there was lipstick on his collar. "I assume," she snarled, "that there's a reason you're waltzing in here at six o'clock in the morning?"
"There is," he replied. "Breakfast."
Grey poupon
A man drove up to a beautiful lady at a stop light. She was in a nice Porsche.
He asks her, "Excuse me, miss, you have Grey Poupon?"
"I sure hope not, I just got my car waxed; damn those birds."
Men are like...
Men are like... Placemats. They only show up when there's food on the table.
Men are like... Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Men are like... Government Bonds. They take so long to mature.
Men are like... Lava Lamps. Fun to look at but not so bright.
Men are like... Bank accounts, without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.
Men are like... High heels, they're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.
Women's Problems
Ever notice how many of women's problems can be traced to the male gender?
MENstruation
MENopause
MENtal breakdown
GUYnecology (Gynecology)
HIMmorrhoid (Hemorrhoid)
Watch them
A couple were at the beach watching a volleyball game when they notice a pair of adults nearby kissing passionately, the woman running her hands down the man's arms, massaging erotically while nibbling on his ear. The couple was intrigued yet they don't want to miss the exciting match so the girl asked her boyfriend if she should watch the match or them. The guy replied, "Watch them. You already know how to play volleyball."
Jewelry
At a jewelry store, a young man bought an expensive locket as a present for his girlfriend. "Don't you want her name engraved upon it?" asked the jeweler. The young man thought for a moment, and then, ever the pragmatic, steadfastly replied,
"No, just engrave it: To My One And Only Love. That way, if we break up and she throws it back to me in anger, I can use it again."
Wishing Well
A woman went to a wishing well and wished that she could become a better driver. So she turned into a man.
My Old Man Is Home!
Bill pilled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced, "My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!" "What makes you say that?" the bartender inquired. "Last week," Bill explained, "I had to take a couple of sick days from work. Suzie was so thrilled to have me around that every time the milkman and the post office guy came by, she'd run down the driveway, waving her arms and hollering, `My old man's home! My old man's home!'"
The Dress of Love!
An old woman went to visit her daughter and she found her naked, waiting for her husband.
The mother asks the daughter, "What are you doing naked?"
The daughter responds, "This is the dress of love."
When the mother returns home, she strips naked and waits for her husband.
When her husband arrives, he asks her, "What are you doing naked?"
She responds, "This is the dress of love."
"Well," he says to her, "go iron it."
Wanted
One day Bob (a boy) went to Sally (a beautiful girl). Bob told her, "Sal, Jack (a boy) wants you."
She replied, "I know."
They stand in silence for a while.
Bob finally said, "I mean he needs your help."
"Oh."
Differences
Girls are in the shower for at least an hour.
Incredibly guys can take a shower in 5 minutes.
Very beautiful girls are seldom intelligent.
Even blond guys have some brains.
Married women marry hoping their guy will change.
Every man marries hoping their wife wont change.
Pretty girls can usually get what they want.
Unlike good looking guys who still have to suffer.
Some girls are actually great relationship material.
Some guys cant find those girls.