Be Bolder
A young husband with an inferiority complex insisted he was just a little pebble on the beach.
The marriage counselor told him, "If you wish to save your marriage, you'd better be a little boulder."
Puns
Sometimes the smartest jokes are the stupidest ones. Prepare for some aggressive wordplay.
What's Weirder?
Q: What's weirder than a talking dog?
A: A spelling bee!
Wooden Eye
When I was in high school I had a friend who had a wooden eye (this was a long time ago). He was very insecure about it. Come senior year he didn't have a date for the Prom. There was a beautiful girl he liked, but had a hairlip (this gave her an extreme lisp) we decided to set them up. He goes up to her and asks her out to the Prom. She said, "Oh, wouldn't I, wouldn't I?" and he said, "Hairlip, hairlip." and they never spoke again.
Cats
Q: Why are cats similar to sentences?
A: A cat has claws at the end of its paws; a sentence has pause at the end of its clause.
For the Road
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
Strongest Days?
Q. What are the strongest days of the week?
A. Saturday and Sunday, because all the rest are week days.
A Real Groaner!
Q: What did the little chick say when his mom laid an orange?
A: Look at the orange-mama-lade!
What Did the Bra Say...
What' did the bra say to the hat?
You go on ahead, I'll give these two a lift.
Seafood
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
Rise and Shine
A mother complained to a doctor about her daughter's
strange eating habits. "All day long she lies in bed
and eats yeast and car wax. What will happen to her?"
"Don't worry," said the doctor. "Eventually, she'll
rise and shine.
Hairdressers
Q: Why are hairdressers always on time?
A: Because they know all the short cuts!
Sick Bucket
Q: How can you tell when a bucket gets sick?
A: It becomes a little pale.
Numbers
Why was six afraid of seven?
Because seven ate nine!
Moron
There was a big moron and a little moron, sitting on a ledge. The big moron fell off. Why?
Because the little moron was a little more on.
Eyes
Why were the teacher's eyes crossed?
She couldn't control her pupils!
Horse Breeder
This Kentucky horse breeder had a filly that won every race in which she was entered. But as she got older she became very temperamental. He soon found that when he raced her in the evening, she would win handily, but when she raced during the day she would come in dead last. He consulted the top veterinarians and horse psychologists to no avail. He finally had to give up because it had become a real night mare.
The Requirements of This Job
Employer: "In this job we need someone who is responsible."
Applicant: "I'm the one you want. On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."
Phonebook Dilemma
Why are there no phone books in China?
Because there are so many Wing's and Wong's, they are afraid you will Wing the Wong number.
Birth Control
Q. Have you heard about the new 'Mint flavored birth control pill for women that they take immediately before sex?
A. They're called Predicaments
Why did she?
Why did the white girl go have sex with a Mexican?
Because her teacher told her to do an ESE.
Sick Pony
What did the sick pony say to its mother?
I'm a little hoarse.
Grizzly
What do you call a Grizzly with no teeth?
A gummy bear
The Downfall of the World
It is obvious. The downfall of the world is here. It is 2005 and we have lived on this earth for ages. I suppose it is about time for the end.
Proof? You want proof? I have all the proof you will need:
They let Brittney Spears reproduce.
Ohh that poor poor child!!
Shoo Fly
Two male flies are buzzing around, cruising for good looking female flies. One spots a real cutie sitting on a pile of horse manure and dives down toward her. "Pardon me," he says, turning on his best charm, "...but is this stool taken?"