The ultimate premium-curated joke collection
Sometimes the smartest jokes are the stupidest ones. Prepare for some aggressive wordplay.
Two carrots are walking down the street one day when a car suddenly comes flying around the corner and runs one of them over.
At the hospital, the doctor says to the other carrot, "I have good news and bad news. The good news is your friend is going to live. The bad news is he'll be a vegetable for the rest of his life."
What monster was created on April 1?
Pranken-stien
Once upon a time in India, the Bengal tiger was on the brink of extinction, due to a vigorous hunting season. So, Prince Naranjahah ordered that no one shall kill another Bengal. Well, this led to the over abundance in zoos and animal shelters, and one day, the tigers broke loose and started attacking the citizens. The citizens then revolted and overthrew the Prince's rule.
This is the first known instance of the reign being called on account of the game.
I heard they were going to name a highway after Willie Nelson in Texas...
But be Warned: When taking this highway look out for pot holes!
CAT 1- So how'd that milk drinking contest go?
CAT 2- Oh, I won by six laps.
BOB: Hey, I ran into George the other day.
JOE: Oh, really? Was he happy to see you?
BOB: Well, we were in our cars at the time...
A rancher walked up to the window at the post office, where a new clerk was sorting mail.
"Any mail for Mike Howe?" the rancher asked.
The clerk ignored him and the rancher repeated his question in a louder voice. Without looking up, the clerk said, "No, none for your cow and none for your horse, either."
Some common phrases that bees should know:
Are you are hipbee?
How comb?
Hive already finished.
FOREST WARDEN: "Which of you saw this rare tree get cut down?
CAMPER: "Only the chain saw."
Here are some books that should never be written:
Workaholism, by Anita Dayoff
Never Say Goodbye, by C.U. Latta
Crowd Control, by General Panic
Amazing Facts, by G. Willikers
The Last Supper, by M.T. Potts
Fast Food, by Eaton Run
The Bee Hive, by I. Ben Stung
Turn Off The Light, by Les Watts
Cattle Ranching, by Brandon D. Bull
Bullfighting Mistakes, by Gordon Bluddy
BOB- It's Friday the 13th. Do you have any superstitions?
GEORGE- I think it's unlucky to have superstitions.
Eminem/ M & M:
I don't like the rapper, but I like the candy inside the wrapper.
You know you're a redneck when your brand new tv is sitting on your old ones.
What did the clock say to the wristwatch?
"I enjoyed tocking with you, but now you're starting to tick me off."
Vegetable: "Hey, lets get married."
Fruit: "I'm sorry."
Vegetable: "We could secretly get married."
Fruit: "No, we couldn't."
Vegetable: "Why?"
Fruit: "Because we can't elope."
Can't elope = cantelope
Do you know what style of shoes a frog loves most?
Open toad!
Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
This is a list of the worst names to have
Dick Hurtz
Hary Paratesticles
Mike Hunt
Mike Rotch
Anitta Manwhore
Anitta Johnson
Fuk Yao
Ike Anblow
Peter Pecker
I.C. Weiner
I.P. Freely
Seimore Butts
Bo Oobless
Dick Less
Issac Less
Tits McGee (ok, that was off Anchorman)
Ima Hornibusterd
Ima Uglibech
Ima Dick
How much does it cost for a pirate to get his ears pierced?
A buck an ear.
What is more peculiar than watching a catfish?
Watching a goldfish bowl.
A family of moles had been hibernating all winter. One beautiful spring morning, they woke up. The father mole stuck his head out of the hole and looked around. "Mother Mole!" He called back down the hole. "Come up here! I smell honey, fresh made honey!" The mother mole ran up and squeezed in next to him. "That's not honey, that's maple syrup! I smell maple syrup!" The baby mole, still down in the hole, was sulking. "I can't smell anything down here but molasses..."
My mouth has turned into a flower bed. It has tulips.
What do you call a Spanish man with a rubber toe?
Answer: Roberto.
A road crew is making a giant freeway, when they come across a sign and a lever. The sign reads "pull lever and end world". The workers decide not to pull the lever just in case.
One night, a man named Nate is driving home. He does not see the sign, so he gets out of his car, and crosses the road to pull the lever. But, on his way there, he was run over by the car, and was never to be seen again.
The moral of the story?
Better Nate Than Lever!