Two Vultures Board an Airplane...
Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
Puns
Sometimes the smartest jokes are the stupidest ones. Prepare for some aggressive wordplay.
Camera
Snow White received a camera as a gift. She happily took many pictures of the Dwarves and their surroundings. When she finished her first batch, she took the film to be developed. After a week or so, she went to get the finished photos. The clerk said the photos were not back from the processor. Snow White was so disappointed that she started to cry. The clerk, trying to console her, said kindly, "Don't worry, someday your prints will come."
What are You Doing?
A man was seen walking through downtown with a desk strapped to his back, a typewriter under one arm, and a wastebasket under the other. He was stopped by a policeman, asked what he was doing, and arrested when he replied, . . . "Impersonating an office, sir!"
Mad Cloud Disease
A couple of weeks ago the clouds over western Washington were moving to the west. Normally they head east, inland over the mountains to central Washington and beyond.
Scientists blamed the switch on mad cloud disease.
A Will
What's the definition of a will?
(It's a dead giveaway).
Poet
A backward poet writes inverse.
Hindu Devotee
A Hindu devotee asked God, represented by the multi-armed Lord Narayana, this question. "My dear Lord," he said. "I understand that you have innumerable inconceivable potencies, but out of all of them the energy of light seems to be the most amazing. Light pervades the spiritual world, it illuminates the material universes, and life is impossible without it."
He continued, "I would like to know how you make it work."
"Oh, that's easy," was the reply. "Many hands make light work."
Stakes
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
"No," he said, "the steaks are too high."
A Pun in One
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez. "How was he killed?" asked one detective.
"With a golf gun." answered the other detective.
"A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?" asked the first detective.
"I don't know, but it sure made a hole in Juan!"
Tooth Fairy
Q: What does the tooth fairy give for half a tooth?
A: Nothing. She wants the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth
The Maine Man
Some friends were on vacation in Maine, and while watching fireworks heard their small son say, "Oh, God!"
The father quickly cautioned his son, "Please don't speak the Lord's name in vain."
The boy nodded but obviously mis-heard, because he asked quietly, "Is it OK if I speak his name back in Minnesota?"
Well Rounded Church
There was a congregation that decided to have four worship services each Sunday. There was one for those new to the faith. Another for those who liked traditional worship. One for those who had lost their faith and would like to get itĂÂ back. And another for those who had a bad experience withĂÂ church and were complaining about it. They have names forĂÂ each of the services: "Finders, Keepers, Losers, Weepers."
Sense
Sometimes people with a lot of cents have little sense.
Why Didn't Cain Please God?
Q: Why didn't Cain please God?
A: Because he just wasn't Able.
Rudolf
The Russians were called "Reds," a long while ago.
So a war general named Rudolf walks into a bakery. The baker starts talking about owning a reindeer. He starts asking questions about it to the general. When the baker gets home, he tells his wife, "Rudolf the Red knows reindeer!"
Bare Arms
Wear tank tops and support your right to bare arms.
Raising the Bar
I hear some rich guy wants to build a tavern at the top of Mount Everest. Talk about raising the bar high!
New Drink
This guy walks into a bar, sits down and asks the bartender,ĂÂ "Got any specials today?"
The bartender replies,ĂÂ "Yes, as aĂÂ matter of fact, we have a new drink that was invented by a gynecologist who is a patron of ours. It's a mixĂÂ of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer and Smirnoff vodka."
The guyĂÂ asks, "Geez, what kind of drink is that?"ĂÂ
ĂÂ
The bartender responds, "We call it a Pabst Smir."
Pencil
Why did the pencil cross the road? It was lead!
Mississipi
Why is Mississippi River unusual?
Because it has four eyes and can't see!
Have a Nice Twip!
What is 4-2?
two.
What is 8-6?
two.
Who wrote Tom Sawyer?
Twain
Now say the answers altogether.
Two two Twain.
Have a nice twip!
Skin and Bones
Why don't skeletons ever play music at church?
Because they don't have any organs!
Marble, Stone, They're All the Same!
What did the statue say to the other after a break-up and make-up?
I'm sorry I took you for granite. (granted)
hahahaha
Golf Ball
A golf ball is a golf ball, no matter how you putt it.