Warning- very corny!
What do you call a bear who's into gardening?
A Hairy Potter!
Puns
Sometimes the smartest jokes are the stupidest ones. Prepare for some aggressive wordplay.
Hard Work
God: "Whew! I just created a 24-hour period of alternating light and darkness on Earth."
Angel: "What are you going to do now?"
God: "Call it a day."
Ice Skating
When ice skating, never judge a brook by its cover.
Dolphins
A genetic scientist managed to create dolphins that would live to 250 years of age - if they were fed seagulls.
One day the scientist's supply of gulls ran out, so he went out to trap some more. On the way back, he came upon two sleeping lions. Not wanting to wake the big cats, he gingerly stepped over them and was promptly arrested for...
Transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises!
No Pun
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
Tomato Family
There were 3 tomatoes. A momma tomato, a papa tomato, and a baby tomato. The baby tomato started to fall behind and the papa tomato called over to him and said, "Ketchup!"
Test-tube Baby
A test-tube baby has a womb with a view.
Disbarred
If a lawyer can be disbarred can a musician be denoted or a model deposed?
Chess at the hotel
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
After an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
"But why?" they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
Milking a Cow
A farmer was milking his cow. He was just starting to get a good rhythm going when a bug flew into the barn and started circling his head. Suddenly, the bug flew into the cow's ear. The farmer didn't think much about it, until the bug squirted out into his bucket. So the farmer says "Oh, shoot! It went in one ear and out the udder"...
Whats Black and White...
What's black and white and played all over?
Black and White (the computer game)
Racing Cabbage
If a rabbit were racing cabbage, who would win?
The cabbage, because it's a head.
Gandhi
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ....what?
A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
Darth Vader
Q. How did Darth Vader know what Luke Skywalker had for Christmas?
A. He felt his presence!
The Wongs
A Chinese couple got married and were now known as Mr. Wong and Mrs. Wong. However, they didn't know why, but they couldn't have white children. So they went to the doctor to find out what the problem was, and they told him the story and the doctor replied, "Didn't you know?" "Two Wongs don't make a white!"
Davy Crockett
How many ears did Davy Crockett have?
3 - His right ear, his left ear, and his wild front-ear.
About Puns
Next time you start to groan at friend's pun, ask yourself: Am I just being jealous?:
"A pun is the lowest form of humor -- when you don't think of it first."
--Oscar Levant
"Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted."
--Fred Allen
"A person reveals his character by nothing so clearly as the joke he resents."
--G. C. Lichtenberg
Lion Story
A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter.
The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest, and writers cramp.
Planting an Education
What is a plant's favorite school year?
KinderGARDEN!!!
Egg Fun
What did the lunch lady say to the boiled egg?
You're in hot water now!!!
The Wizard
So there's this Wizard who worked in a factory. Everything was satisfactory except that certain miscreants, taking advantage of his good nature, would steal his parking spot.
This continued until he put up the following sign:
"This parking space belongs to the Wizard. ... Violators will be toad."
Peek-A-Boo
The female skier Picabo Street (pronounced Peek-A-Boo)...
The famous Olympic skier Picabo Street is not just an athlete, she is a nurse. She currently works at the Intensive Care Unit of a large metropolitan hospital.
She is not permitted to answer the telephone, however, as it caused simply too much confusion when she would answer the phone and say,
"Picabo, ICU".
Learn To Keep Time
A musician who joined an orchestra on a cruise ship was having difficulty keeping time with the rest of the band.
Finally, the captain said, "Either you learn to keep time or I'll throw you overboard. . . . It's up to you, sync or swim."
The Dreaded Amish Flu...
First, you get a little hoarse.
Then, you get a little buggy.