Antenna
I went to a wedding the other day. Two antennas were getting married. It wasn't much of a wedding ceremony, but it was one heck of a reception!
Puns
Sometimes the smartest jokes are the stupidest ones. Prepare for some aggressive wordplay.
Rain
Joel: "How's the progress on new house that you are building Pete?"
Peter: "Things are really slow at the moment."
Joel: "Yeah, I guess all this rain would be putting a dampener on things..."
Polar Bear
A polar bear walked into a bar and said
"Can I please have a gin and............................................tonic?"
The bartender replied "Sure, but why the large pause?"
"I don't know, I've always had them!"
Diarhea
Did you know diarhea is part of your inheritence?
Ya, it flows in our genes.
Two Buzzards...
Two buzzards were eating a dead clown. One said to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"
Nuns
Several elderly nuns were in their second floor convent one night when a fire broke out.
They took their habits off, tied them together to make a rope, and climbed out the window.
After they were safely on the ground and out of the building, a news reporter came over to one of the nuns and said to her, "Weren't you afraid that the habits could have ripped or broken since they are old?"
The nun replied, "Nah, don't you know old habits are hard to break?"
Computer
How do you praise a computer?
Say "Data Boy"!
Novocain
"Are you sure you don't want some Novocain?" asked the dentist.
"I'm sure," replied the maharishi. "I wish to transcend dental medication."
Mind Over Matter
Mind Over Matter
If you don't mind,
it doesn't matter.
Louvre
Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with
stealing several paintings from the Louvre.
However, after planning the crime, and getting
in and out past incredible security, he was
captured only two blocks away when his Econoline
ran out of gas.
When asked how he could mastermind such a crime
and then make such an obvious error, he replied:
I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh!
Pirate Movie
Did you see that movie about the pirate?
It's rated Arrr!
Kidnapping in the Woods...
Hey, have any of you heard of the kidnapping in the woods?
Yeah, well, it all turns out OK, though, since he woke up...
California
What happens when the smog clears over southern California?
UCLA
In and Out
Mama Skunk had two children named In and Out.
The two were always on the go, but rarely in one place at the same time. Whenever In was in, Out was out. Whenever In was out, Out was in.
One day at dinner time, Out was home, but In was no where to be seen. Mama Skunk sent Out out to bring In in for dinner. Out quickly returned with In and Mama was amazed.
"However did you find In so quickly in all the vast forest?" asked Mama.
"Easy," said Out. "Instinct!"
William Tell
It's a little known fact that William Tell and his son were avid bowlers as well as archery buffs. Unfortunately, all the league records were destroyed in a fire, so it may never be known for whom the Tells bowled.
Dirty Joke
Wanna hear a dirty joke? A boy fell in a mud puddle.
What is This?
When the waitress in a New York City restaurant brought him the soup du jour, the Englishman was a bit dismayed. "Good heavens," he said, "what is this?"
"Why, it's bean soup," she replied.
"I don't care what it has been," he sputtered. "What is it now?"
Museum Curator
The assistant curator of the musuem came to the head curator with a couple of problems. "Sir, the mummy is damp and getting mouldy. And the white mouse in the maze exhibit has developed dry skin."
The head curator thought for a minute, then advised, "Put your mummy where your mouse is."
Two Eskimos
Two Eskimos sitting in their boat were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the boat, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
Juan & Amal
A woman had twins, and gave them up for adoption. One of them went to a family in Egypt and was named Amal. The other went to a family in Spain, and they named him Juan. Years later, Juan sent a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she told her husband that she wished that she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responded, "But they're twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
Tequila
Did you hear about the woman who poured margaritas in her birdbath? Enough tequila mockingbird.
I Would Punch You
I would punch you but I couldn't make you any uglier.
Batty Books 2!
Crime and Punishment by Laura Norda
The Use of Natural Fertilizers; by G.G. Dunnit
The Way to Quick Riches; by Robbin Banks
Holidays in Britain; by A. Pauline Whetha
Contagious Diseases; by Willie Catchit
Driving Through Germany; by Otto Mobile
Broken Window; by Eva Brick
Monsters; by Frank N. Stein
Cliff Tragedy; by Eileen Dover
Even More to come, i promise!!!!
Terrorist Alert
At Heathrow Airport today, an individual, later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a compass, a protractor, and a graphical calculator.
Authorities believe he is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He is being charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.