Definition of an Alarm Clock
alarm clock, n. a device for waking up people who don't have small children
One Liners
No long setups, no complicated backstories. Just the fastest laughs on the internet.
Opera
Opera: where somebody gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, sings.
Hookers
Blind Hookers eh? You've got to hand it to them.
Women and Toys
A woman's breasts are like a child's toys. They are meant for the child - but the husband is the one that usually ends up playing with them.
Bad Driver
If you don't like my driving, stay out of the bus shelters!
Oxygen
Overheard at an exhibit in the science museum:
"It says here that oxygen was discovered over two hundred years ago."
"Wow! What did people breathe before that?"
New Dictionary
Did you hear about the new dictionary for masochists?
It has all the words, but they're not in alphabetical order.
Tips on Pill Taking
Never ever take a sleeping pill and a laxative in the same night.
High Tech Delivery
My sister gave birth in a state-of-the-art delivery room. It was so high tech that the baby came out cordless!
Ghosts
Why don't ghosts make good magicians?
You can see right through them!
Famous Last Words
Famous Last Words
"Oh come on, nobody's died from this in years."
"I saw it on Jackass last night."
"My dad did it when he was a kid."
"Yes, I'm sure that the power is off."
"It'll only hurt for a couple of days."
"See, I'm not afraid of heights."
Famous Last Words
Famous Last Words:
"The gun isn't loaded, ok?"
"Yes, I double checked."
"This fuse should give us plenty of time."
"I don't think he has a gun."
"This is a very safe neighborhood!"
"I am 100% sure of the blast radius."
Door Knob
A blonde is like a door knob, everyone gets a turn!
You're So Stupid You...
You're so stupid that you sold your car for gas money!
Bathroom
One blonde was so dumb she got locked in a bathroom and pissed her self!
Turtles
A blonde is like a turtle. If either one is on their back, they are screwed!
Solar Powered
Your so stupid you invented glow in the dark sun glasses!
Waterproof
You're so dumb you invented water proof tea bags!
TAXI
You're so fat, when you went outside wearing a yellow dress everybody called "TAXI"
Behind Back
You're so fat that everybody has to talk behind your back!
You're so stupid........FAX
You're so stupid that when you send a FAX you put a stamp on it
You're So Poor
You're so poor I went in your front door and came out the back.
Twinkies
I haven't seen anyone run that fast since Twinkies went on sale.
Rollercoaster
Blondes are like a rollercoaster, everyone gets a ride!!!