Enzymes and Hormones
What's the difference between an enzyme and a hormone?
You can't hear an enzyme!
One Liners
No long setups, no complicated backstories. Just the fastest laughs on the internet.
Class Reunion
I recently went to my 30th class reunion from nursery school. I didn't want to go because I've put on maybe 90 or 100 pounds since then.
Tired?
The amount of sleep required by the average person is about five minutes more.
Things You Don't Like
They say one way to build character is to do things you don't want to do.
Every day I do two things I don't want to do: I get out of bed in the morning and go to bed at night!
The Most Important Thing
Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is.
Fortunately, I love money.
-- Jackie Mason
Perfect Climate
The perfect climate is in bed.
Make a Long Story Short
To make a long story short, well, it helps if the boss walks in!
Definition of an Alarm Clock
alarm clock, n. a device for waking up people who don't have small children
Opera
Opera: where somebody gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, sings.
Hookers
Blind Hookers eh? You've got to hand it to them.
Women and Toys
A woman's breasts are like a child's toys. They are meant for the child - but the husband is the one that usually ends up playing with them.
Bad Driver
If you don't like my driving, stay out of the bus shelters!
Oxygen
Overheard at an exhibit in the science museum:
"It says here that oxygen was discovered over two hundred years ago."
"Wow! What did people breathe before that?"
New Dictionary
Did you hear about the new dictionary for masochists?
It has all the words, but they're not in alphabetical order.
Tips on Pill Taking
Never ever take a sleeping pill and a laxative in the same night.
High Tech Delivery
My sister gave birth in a state-of-the-art delivery room. It was so high tech that the baby came out cordless!
Ghosts
Why don't ghosts make good magicians?
You can see right through them!
Cappuccino Buzz
I had four cappuccinos at one time. I was bouncing off the walls. Good thing they were padded.
Famous Last Words
Famous Last Words
"Oh come on, nobody's died from this in years."
"I saw it on Jackass last night."
"My dad did it when he was a kid."
"Yes, I'm sure that the power is off."
"It'll only hurt for a couple of days."
"See, I'm not afraid of heights."
Famous Last Words
Famous Last Words:
"The gun isn't loaded, ok?"
"Yes, I double checked."
"This fuse should give us plenty of time."
"I don't think he has a gun."
"This is a very safe neighborhood!"
"I am 100% sure of the blast radius."
Door Knob
A blonde is like a door knob, everyone gets a turn!
You're So Stupid You...
You're so stupid that you sold your car for gas money!
Bathroom
One blonde was so dumb she got locked in a bathroom and pissed her self!
Turtles
A blonde is like a turtle. If either one is on their back, they are screwed!